...berbesar hati...

i look around only to observe that there is definite truth to the meaning of 'patience' and the statement 'buat sesuatu dengan ikhlas'. such statements, to be held as principles in life, is tough.

how patient can a person be? how long can a person wait for results?
how sincere can a person tag his actions? how deep can a person express his sincerity when doing something he loves?
how giving can a person be when doing something; doing something for the sake of doing and NOT expecting anything at all in return?
how generous can a person be with his patience and his sincerity when the seduction of wanting to expect is too delicious to reject?

I wonder...

after all these years, it takes 8 years for a certain thing to be obtained. i remember abg wira saying," there is a reason why u people didn't win the first place during citra. though it hurts that you people lost due to some discrepancy that was not corrected during taklimat, nonetheless, i strongly feel that there is a strong underlying reason why u didn't. maybe, God deem you people to SLOWLY climb the ladder of success. Learn things the hard way..." i remember that i was crying on the phone. A win is a win. It never fails to beam me with joy. But that win was heart-wrecking. *sigh* but that statement woke me up.

i sat and reminiscent upon our climb up the mountain. it was a long and tedious climb. i am still bruised here and there. lacerated beyond repair at times. boulders, not mere pebbles, we thrown directly at us from above. we were stepped upon. Sigh...we have met weird characters. Grr...i assure you that we DID MEET weird people along the way. tears shed and all...it was a terrible toll. Not once did i ever have the urge to renounce my status with them. i was pushed to the limits; to the brinks of never return. but, love for the game and the people with me made me stay. yah-yah-yah...i dun outrightly tell these people i 'hate' them. all i do, when i am terribly angry, was to stay silent and made a face. these people have been patient and have earned my respect and love. *yah-yah...u assES! i love you la!*

ain't an easy thing to handle a group of ladies that are coloured with different characters. it makes things even more tedious when they would non-stop pit at each other. well, it makes life more spicy doesn't it? no choice! i chose to stay and brave seas of fire and ice with them, i shall stay until someone pulls, or tears, me away from them. even with that, i would not promise the puller that i would not put up a fight. HARK!

i love you girls terribly. one loss, would cause a waterfall in my heart. *for a person as hard-hearted as I, to make me cry, is ALOT!* but, such a thing is inevitable.

just want to announce to you people, and to those who are blog-hopping and HAPPENED to read this, i am proud to be in the company of the present executive committee and the people i am working with; putting aside the heartpain you people evoke in me though. Hope that we'll continue working in the future.

Lurve ya loads my darling PRINCESSES...

...hati slightly resah...

i see a wall. a wall that was erected just a while ago. that wall was never there before. now, i see the growing thickness of the wall right infront of me. it is shielding the once-happy face that greeted me each time i have contact. the greener pastures over the newly-built wall is now totally out of my reach. *sigh*

i do wonder whether i was the cause of such a built. because, it was never there. why the sudden erection? i am perturbed. i guess, letting out how you feel would cause changes when you were hoping for none? oh well, now that i see a wall, i cannot see the shine in the greener pastures. i am blocked on this side...

...the eyes are the windows to a person's soul...
...and i do not see the shine to your eyes no more...
...why are you blocking me out?...
...*sob!*...

.:talked:.

.:
yes seishi...or dodi...or simply D...i have talked. quite a long talk though. caught me off-guard. didn't quarrel. had times when the voices were raised, but, manage to calm down and simply continued talking. got onto the 'battlefield' unprepared though. didn't have points to support why i felt that way. hmmm...

I: *sigh* takpelah..*sigh*...nvm la...*sigh* just leave the conversation la. takyah bebual. take it as if i did a stupid comment k. this conversation is directionless....
D: yah-yah-yah...go on la and stop the conversation stengah jalan. make me feel guilty. u want me to let u remain feeling kecik-hati and continue hurting? NO!
I: no-no...pls dun fil guilty. it's my fault. and definitely NO. I don't want you to feel guilty...
D: Dah bagus lah tu. U degil...saya degil. dua-dua degil nau'zubillah. Camner? *murmur to himself* wat to do? a reflection...alter-ego...samer!
I: *sigh* dah kena lah tu...buku dengan ruas...how?
D: entah...degil! dua-dua taknak mengalah...how?
I: *chuckles* entah...
.:

*shrugs*
could not remain angry with him for long. entah! was not angry in the first place. just kecik-hati. he was surprised that he was able to hurt me that way. he does not want me to remain hurt any longer. he said something that caught me very surprised giler: he equalised me to the rest of the ladies, who were in his life, and left. Grr...basket...aper sak!

.:
I: yak skit ari yak awak marah saya tu. do u know that i was crying while u marah me?
D: i tak tau...
I: ah...now u noe. awak tak pernah marah saya u noe...
D: yah...
I: abeh tetiba kena marah macam gitu. saya kecik hati nah~
D: *silence*
I: padahal saya tipon nak mintak solace...sandaran..abeh kena marah...awak tak pernahnya marah saya...
D: i'm sorri...
.:

nvm...takpelah...*sigh* bukan kecik hati nie. da slightly malas. ish!

.:uweEEEEEEEEEEEeek:.

.:
You're my HoneyBunch, SugarPlum Pumpy-Umpy-Umpkin
You're my SweetiePie
You're CuppyCake GumDrop Snoogum-Boogums
You're the Apple of my eye
& i love you so
& i want you to know
That i'll always be right here
& i love to sing sweet songs to you
Because you are so dear
.:

...a diamond is just a piece of coal that does not crack under pressure...

i cannot believe it. that harmless baby-ish song up there made me tear!!!! It made tears roll down me cheeks and touch me heart and actually cause the heart to break into zillon pieces. ish...is dat good or bad?

*weak smiles*

~love me tender~

I am sitting infront of the computer. Eyes half-closed. Head is spinning. The stomach is growling for food. BUT! The heart is restless. The heart pines for something. Somehow, I know what. Well, more definite is: I know the heart pines for WHO~ *sigh* I miss him...terribly...*got to shake this out of my system!!!*

I am going through cold-turkey. Perturbants are fully-developed in my mind and it drags the heart along the gravel path of recovery. OUCH! I am scorpioned. OUCH! And yet...I miss him...terribly...

I miss him D~! He is so near, yet so far. Have to let him 'go' once again~ Sigh! How could someone disappear and re-appear and disappear and re-appear over and over again. He's cruel!

Each time I want to lay things, even before I could do it, he disappears...*sigh*

*sobZ*
...i am tired...

.:a review:.

I am always plagued aren't i? My mind is always scorpioned with thoughts of yesterdays, todays and the futures. I do think too much for my own good I think.*shrugs*

Someone, a person whom I have just met and cliqued, told me something very enlightening today: "...you will know the person's intention upon instinct. Once a one on one experience has been gone through, it is undeniable that you will not know. You will know...Somehow you will know if he is the one or he is not...Somehow you will know that he means more or...merely using you to fill his void..."

I see many stuffs happening. Many people are governed by bare animalistic behaviors that I reckoned was gone. Well, how naive could I be. Funny that I labeled many of my 'friendships' as being a 'love-hate-relationship'. I know the weight of my definition upon application. But, do people realizes or even bother to know why I labeled it as such? *shrugs* It is okie. Shall leave it as that. People are just not able to digest whatever I am going to spray onto them, if they were to take the step in asking. Sometimes, they do not even realised that they have done such things. An argument of the subconscience; lucrative...volatile...Something that is simply there but just cannot be grasped. That infuriates me though, to play with the volatile.

Someone labeled me as 'vindictive'(revengeful, spiteful). "...I am bad, on the outer. I show my bad side to the people. As for you, you keep it in. You mind play your worst! You revenged, not on impulse or instantaneous though. You plan, step by step, and manipulate and twist and turn. No matter the time for the eventual practicality of the revenge, you will have it done. And the outcome is usually the most painful. You know what, why, when and how your revenge would be at the end of the day. You give a new definition to the werd BAD..."

True enough. I am spiteful. I am revengeful. Overall, I AM vindictive. I chose to be this way. Nopes, I have never done my revenges on impulse though I am extremely seduced and tempted to do so. Believe me, when you play things patiently and correctly, you will taste the fruits of labour so sweet that it is succulent enough to keep you full for a very long, long time. I love chess! AhakZ!

As I have said, do not step on my toes as I will lacerate yours. Do not step on my head as I messed your inners instead. Do not break my heart as I will tear yours and make you wish that you should not know me in the first place. This is not a threat. No woriZ. Just a subtle warn to those who wants to venture into knowing Medusa in depth...

I love my friends. Trust me, i Do...Even they had tastes of my revenge. Shall not tell them when and how...*muahZ* Lurve ya peeps aight!...

*aku tahu aku telah gugur
aku tahu gugurku bertempur
aku tahu jasadku terkubur
di medan ini nyawa bagaikan bercatur
aku tahu akulah bahan pengukur*

.:dear enab:.

It is me again 'dear enab'. I am again filled with uncertainties and perturbants. I sit and analyse whatever that is happening around me and I am, nonetheless, ultra restless. Time is taking its toll and I am getting lethargic...

Why is it 'dear enab', each time i pray for the right way be pathed for me and the right signs be shown, he is put right in my face? Why? Why is it, each time I tear and pine for another, he is displayed right in front me?

Things happen for a reason, doesn't it 'dear enab'? Then why does mine goes in cyclical repetitions? The present is a direct reflection of the past...and I hunched that the future is stringed by the same binds of yesterday.

Dear enab...can you please tell me why am I going crazy with the realism of matters. My beloved daddy use to say "dun expect. do things without obligations, thus, you would not be disappointed when things do not happen your way". I do not expect but I feel disappointed. A measure that I am human and have feelings?

Dear enab...give me reasons to believe that I am sane, standing stable on the grounds of pure reality, and not on the unstable ledge of sixth inch fantasy,hanging on to the only thread of sanity, before i am plunged into the abyss...

Dear enab...I am restless...still am...something not good is brewing...Sigh...help...*tearing*

...me again!...

i am restless. had a talk with dodi on msn. she knocked me head again. she got me in a rather rationale mood, so i was kind of level-headed. though tears were falling when i was msn-ing dodi, my mind was clear enough to think things through properly. was not hitting dodi with my principles though. we were discussing. YES! we REALLI discussing as 2 matured adults. i hope dodi feels the same.

sometimes, all through your life, your actions have been governed by most of your instincts and your 'sixth' sense, inevitably the future would easily be compassed by your inners. well, i have a great feeling that i am, again, going to lose. alah...not only about one particular person. just speaking in general.

academic...alhamdulillah, still am going through the battle zone. damn! even Alexandra the Great did not take such a long time to war his way through to India. eh! he actually did...Macedonia became rule of the 'world' before he steps onto 40 years of age...Ish...fated to be chained to the world academically huh? grr... apart from that,...hmm..., a failure? nah...not a failure, that is so degrading. just a mere child in an adult world...got a lot more things to do and learn...sigh...

hold my hand and lead me to the rights...
as i am only a child immersed in an adult world...

...menjerit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

i have successfully changed the colors on my blardy blog! and it is way better than the first one. ahakZ! now i have to learn how to download pictures and blah-blah to this blardy thing! ahakZ! nah...it is okie...have a lot of time to do all these...
ahakZ!

...i wonder...

i have questions to ask. questions that i deem as important.or i guess it is easier to deem it as intriguing. some questions that would always plagued and perturb me.

things like:
do i think too much?
am i pulling away too fast?
do i walk away too fast?
is my patience running too thin these days?

but where do i get the answers to these....?

i am tired...very tired...sleepy...tired...school is taking its toll on me...

...auUUUUUUUUUUum...

^^^
CANCER
Your loyalty and attachments to people make you a friend worth his or her weight in gold. However, see that you do not expect too much out of friendship. Always ready to give, you are likely to be bitterly disappointed when friends do not live up to your own image of them. However, you will seldom cut your friendship ties and do much more for friends than they did for you. A good, solid friend!

^^^

Everybody’s talking
But they don’t say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don’t want the sympathy
Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
Buy why’d you have to go and make a mess like that
Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don’t need your number
There’s nothing left to say
Except I never though it’d hurt this much to be sane
My friends are outside waiting
I’ve gotta go

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I don’ know these hardships
We both know that you can’t say that
Rest assure
For all the time I loved you so…

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

...to whom much is given, much would be expected...

...ephiphany...

dodi did something today: slapped me to reality... I did not realise that i seem to allow my subconscience govern my actions more than my conscience. sheesh...sigh!

*geleng kepala*
i am trying very hard to distract the mind...immersing myself in loads of work...have to get cracking...i am panicking like a crazy woman already....

*geleng kepala*
cried a few days ago...was angry at someone...kecik-hati actually. never mind...never mind. keep things under wraps is much better...better that way...easier that way...beat the hassle of all the emotional redundants...and burdens...biar!

*geleng kepala*
argh! why must dodi do this to me ah? now she has gotten me to thinking...thankz...

...i am tired...

***
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to
Believing in everything
***

...pinch me...

3 days! what is three days allowance to allow the final effects of the news? what is 3 days of finally attaining the ultimate award for US in relative to my life in its world for 10 freaking long years? 10 years...10 years of stabs, tears, laughs, joys, sads...(trust me. bein a girl in that world, it IS dirty...grr...)

the teeth-bearings, the claw stabbings, the pulling hairs, the showers of sarcasm, the melting of egoS and the boosts of egoS...ten long freaking years of being immersed in the political excretion that THAT world inhibits, I have survived it! It was a relieve that all hardwork was paid off eventually...*alhamdulillah* but, i do not erase the fact that I am still dazed...

dazed that we have more support from people that we feel we do not deserve to get it from. People like Zaidy...truly, we fil undeserved. Well, I feel undeserved! a small fry getting the support from the giant of that world...undeserved...*luk down* i fil undeserved.

though i feel extremely flattered and truly honored by the support, i still feel undeserved. thank you again for your support. the back-stage support that many giants have given. the pushes and the stand-bys that you people have given US. My personal pillar...Ina's personal pillar...Siti's personal pillar and Su's personal pillar...you people have done more than you think you did. What we needed was moral support, a listening ear and a place for solace each time we cry, and you people gave that...You people were there unconditionally...

To Zaidy Nandir, Shariff Sah, Junaidi Zumzuri, Nur Faizal and Didi(Su's! I have no idea of his full name...*chuckleZ*), i thank you for being there...I thank you from the depths of my heart...*hugZ*

...somebody shake me...

***
this is my life
it's not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me 'cause i must be sleeping...

now that we're here, it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes, one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here, it's so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me 'cause i must be sleeping

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me...
***

i am still in a daze...a winning streak. there must be an end? i am afraid of the full-stop. am not ready for that yet. but, does that lie in our hands? we can work for it, but inevitably, the results lie on the scrolls of destiny, don't u tink? sigh...work hard...work as one...with full sincerity...nawaitu mau ikhlas...mau lebih...

i am cynical. in life there are both the twists of the good and the bad. it comes in a package: wen good comes, at the next corner, the bad appears when we least expect it. my question is: wen is streak going to end? not that i am wishing for it. i am not, believe me. i do not like to be under the spotlight though. it's hot! and i am sweating already.

the aim now is no longer to try to climb the mountain as we have succeeded in reaching the middle. the issue now is to maintain in pitching our tent, up there, where the air is thin and the pressure's great. are our supplies enough to sustain us?

i envision us going through the door onto the second level. my aim is to finally reach the third level and equalize us to the GREATS. i am working hard for that. but then again, i do not want to put a stop to anything even if that is fulfilled. i want to go on and achieve more, but i cannot do it alone.

i see many people i love would be taken away from me soon...soon... *sigh* nevermind...in life, wen culture is not accompanied with monetary incentives, people deem it as useless. never mind...typical! *roll eyes* sembarang...my say dun have weight anymore. mite as well keep quiet. better that way...

^^^
do u know the feeling:u never know how deep u miss someone until you actually see that person? well, i miss someone terribly. the mind's thoughts seem to circulate around him lately. the mind's eyes sees him only. funny~ funny~ *geleng kepala*

to lose myself in the phase of unrequited love is better than to have a fren lost due to non-everlasting love...i dun say or express anything. 5 years may seem nothing to some, but it means alot to me. i cannot see myself bearing the possibility of losing him...

wat i see:
sad but i dun quite see anything. i see him sealing the possibility. i see nothing. not even a gist. i am not an option. i dun see anything in his eyes. either he is an extremely good actor or there is really nothing in the first place. i am quite confident that it is the latter.

despite what people have said about him, to me, i do believe that there is nothing that would ever blossom between me and him. yah-yah-yah...people mite be injecting the 'manalah ko tau'-talk to me. but hey, u'll noe if the person is the one or not. u'll noe. though my heart feels right about him, i dun think his heart feels right about me.

kalo dier nak, dah memang jadi dah. he disappeared before. and i know he can do it again. i am not the one. =) so, to those who are quite confident that there might be something, i do apologise for your redundant anticipation. *geleng kepala* i am sad too to announce that there is nothing...

nothing's said and i am merely assuming. but by the evidence of body-language, believe u me, i am merely day-dreaming of attaining what is impossible...*tear dropped*

he does not know how much sayang there is from me to him...
he does not know how much i want him here permanently...
he does not know and i do not intend to let him know...
as i'll severe the present ties if i ever whisper a breath of it to him...
thus, i keep silent...

...y does he treat me so hostile?...

***
we won again. Got an entitlement now. *alhamdulillah* rezki murah. *smileZ* tak sangka betul! Though, the possibility has been evoked by someone, i still do not believe it. Well, now, history has been written: yet another win to our names. *alhamdulillah* I am still dazed. Do not blame me if I am still reminiscing upon it for the next few weeks or so...Wins always have this slow sinking-effect upon me.
***

i still wonder, how two people who are SO close when they are alone, BUT infront of others, they are,as if, just mere acquaintances? How could you bring the level down so fast? I find that cruel...

Double standards? Hmm...*shrugs*

It warms my heart to hear him croon on stage.*it would never beat hearing him sing @0430 on the phone. Hark!* i was so proud of him. *shrugs* never mind...just proud...*smileZ*

^^^
i have a crush on someone. finds him very charismatic. ultra intriguing. alluring~!...

Clue: a loyal supporter. he was extremely stressed when the results of the 'category' was about to be announced. guess...Guess...GUESS AH!!!

*laffZ* flattered...extremely flattered...thank you (if you are reading this). Sometimes, by doing nothing, you have done everything. You have done more than you think you did. Thank you. *smileZ-hugZ-peck*
^^^

how could someone be SO dense...takpelah...shall stick to my stand: if things are meant to be, the deemed-impossible would eventually snake its way to fate...no matter how far you run, the roads would, one day, meet...

wat i need is the strength to remain patient...give me the strength...grant me the patience...

*yawn*

...tamaly ma'ak...

i had another epiphany early in the morning today. i am actually ready for somebody to come around. if it is meant to be with that particular person, i would say yes. i am serious about this. but what i am afraid of is:rejection.

true that rejection is part and parcel of life. either pros or cons. but then again, i dun want to go through that again. but, somehow, deep in me heart, i am ready to say yes to this person....IF it happens that is...

au revoir...

*to contemplate means to hesitate...to hesitate is to be reluctant...
to reluctant is to procrastinate...and it means to never say yes...*

...

just another blogging moment...

1) dapat dengar suara-sek-pagi orang tu lagi. *drool* this is bad! never mind. Can I just have a crush on JUST the voice? On the voice ajer...can? pweash ah pweash....
2) someone got 'sodomised' this morning. was blardy induced to excrete. pity her. *sigh* bear with it k.soon it will be over. *comforting smile*
3) to luk pwetty or to luk rugged? Hmm...it totally depends on how i would feel on saturday morning. Grr...
4) someone left for phuket this morning to go diving in thai waters. disappeared for a quite awhile; never reply to any of my msgs. y'dy, msged to tell me he's going phuket. then, the subsequent replies all 'sounded' hostile. wassup with that? *sigh* i actually miss him terribly when he was 'gone'. my mind could not stop thinking of him. sedih kan? entah...he makes me laugh...dats y...dangerous to have a man who makes you laugh as he is the one who would make you cry so true...so unbelievably true...
5) an irritating prick, a chatter, has been keeping in contact with me. yah-yah-yah, pucuk-pangkal, hp number aku yang kasi. hey! how would i know that the person would be THAT irritating (reminder:i dun quite get irritated easily. So, for him to get me THIS irritated, he is the pinnacle i tell u!)Blardy ass who has a speech impairment. Dun like answering his calls but his number is private. But do not be mistaken. I am not turned-off by his speech capabilities though. He is just irritating. Rilek ah jack. Nak kenal-kenal pun, agak-agak ah...mana peh handsome ah...Darn! you people who wants to call me, please un-do your call settings...please...
6) why am i going to the award presentation on saturday nie? *grunt* waste of time...UPSETTING!
7) weird! keep asking me what i am wearing to the ceremony. dah nak masuk 5 kali dah...does it matter? nak pakai samer eh? tak cakap pong!
8) my stomach hurts. well, that area hurts. bisa je. duno why...for the past 3 days, everytime my stomach grumbles, it would hurt. my legs were about to give way y'dy. very lemah. yah-yah-yah...pasal tak makan(eventually i did.@jurong point.BAN MIAN!!!). but, i was not hungry. now nauseous. weird huh? masuk angin? ler...berapa banyak kali masuk angin? weight naik:68kg(y'dy)...but frame is getting smaller. is there anything wrong here? *blur* but then again, wen i weigh myself like today, i'm 65.5kg. pelik kan? entah la. i noe i am technically killing myself. but, i just dun have the zest to eat, now that i am in school. asyik ingat nak belajar je. entahlah...

***
saya: awak nak saya pakai aper? awak sebenarnya nak tengok saya pakai aper?
dia: *a terribly long pause* saya sembarang...
saya: aik...sembarang?
dia: ah...sendiri mau ingat...*another long pause*...asalkan malay traditional costume...saya sembarang...
saya: *blur* ok...

***

apasal la dia gila? pakkal la suara pagi dia sek...if not, aku tak layan terus. AhakZ! gila kan? hehehe...i am crapping. never mind.

...sehelai kain sari yang sudah dipakai...
*tak bleh pakai sari...it is MALAY traditional costume*

...i am afraid to say...

There are many athings that we, individuals, prefer to keep within. There are many factors that could cause such a phenomenon. Usually, such redundant repression is evoked by the possibilities of undesired consequences that could be aroused by such an impulse. (But then again, there is the concept of strike while the iron is hot or grab the opportunity once it comes aknocking or when chances do not come a-looking, you go a-seeking. We are taught with such paradoxes...) Thus, the individual is not able to see themselves shouldering such an after-effect. Concluding, they forego the impulsiveness and stay within their comfort zone instead.

What if, you discover, that there is made available a method that could 'lure' the hidden to be 'displayed' without the us least expecting it to be revealed? Would you exploit such a method to your advantage? Would you sell it? Would you try to seal it, keep it within you, and let it just die when you die? Ah...

I have come across such a concept. Well, it is an old concept, really. It is just that it is being practiced and recognized only in the world of psychoanalysis (yah-yah-yah...I am a psycho. Go figure). It is known as the Freudian Slip. Some of you may have heard it or, even better, unrealisingly been practicing it through-out your lives.

Humans are governed with their conscious and the unconscious. The conscious is made up of at most 10% of what, how and when we go about doing things. The unconscious usually reveals most of why we go about doing certain things. For eg; you are trying to lie your way through something. And at your most unawares, and at the end of the conversation, your mum asks you where you are exactly going, and you accidentally spill the bean. Ah...that is your unconscious talking. (try to understand the concept here)

OR

Have you ever come across a scene where you ask a question (out of nowhere) to someone who is daydreaming, and he gave you the answer that you have always wanted to hear? But, when he realised his 'mistake', he corrects himself and give the corrected-filtered-version of an answer to the question? In that, the former is the real answer. The latter is answered when the conscious is talking. Thus, whatever is revealed in the former is the true answer. It is what is hidden in him (or you people prefer 'her'. Change the gender in accordance to your reference yah). Ah...

Concluding, please do not go around and ask questions to people who are unaware. People might think you are one loony. Just something to share with you people. I have gone through many such cases, which caught many people unawares. *smiles*

....to whom much is given, much will be expected...

...yah...yah...yah...

~~~
I am a schizotypal^*roll eyes* tell me something that I duno aledi... *grunt*^...
I am a fuck as well^*roll eyes twice* give me sumthing new to have an orgasm to... *groan*^...

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.
I am a subtle flavour, quiet*I AM?!*and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain.^*smiles* this i like...*grinZ*^

OR

Buzz buzz, I am Coffee flavoured.

I am popular in the workplace, even though I am often bitter. I am energetic to the point of being frenetic; buzz buzz, out of my way. I tend to overwork myself and need periods of recovery time. *take ur pick*

Wait Seminit...Why am I doing these tests in the first place? I do not need a set of questions to categorize me as a person...I am an individual...AhakZ! A crazy one that is...*laffZ*
~~~

*back to my original intention*
Was just thinking of stuffs, and reached a sudden epiphany...
While it doth study to have what it would,
It doth forget to do the thing it should,
And when it hath the thing it hunteth most,
`Tis as towns with fire,
So won, so lost... - William Shakespeare

Are not things evolved around that line? That in life there is always a lost and a win? (like this month, my handphone bills are definitely going to be a WIN! People get attached, well, my loss. But,a WIN cos these people dun msg me as much. Well, they have other people to 'report-strength' to. Thus, my bill's slumped! *weak-smiles*)

Reached another epiphany too...
Nothing (we) have is truly (ours)...

Let's think of this. Our life ain't wholely ours in the first place. Crudely, we are living on borrowed time. Our beings are lent to us to be taken care of and, hopefully, be given back as clean as its initial state. *roll eyes* It is a little difficult to give back the owner its initial state though. *grinZ* Ok-ok...Think of it. If our life is not truly ours and thus, everything that we have to earn is then not ours to be owned, then everything is technically being borrowed right? OMIGAWD! We are parasites I tell you; forever going around and borrowing. *grunt* However, there are many who goes around trumpeting that they own the world. Sheesh...Mad!

Anyway, just reached these epiphanies a while ago. Just want to put it down.

...to whom much is given, much would be expected...

...

^^^
*just a tickled moment*
my beshfriend's tummy is rounded aledi. hehehe...nah! she ain't pregnant. She's just BULAT! *ahakZ* been a long time since i have seen her. *smiles* meant to see, will see her. *smiles*

*another tickled moment*
the purple-sadako has no place to compren? alah cian dia. I can be a solace for you. *smiles* I am here anytime you need me. You know where to find me. *smiles* I have a complaining-umbrella. He's rounded too. Lives very near me also. *smiles* But, he ain't permanent. *smiles* But, he's a listening ear for now. *smiles* U wana share an umbrella? I am sure he is BIG and ROUNDED enuf...*smiles*

*a melancholic moment*
the suspected-appendicts-OUTpatient is still sick? *sigh* no comments. Use the new 'umbrella' for leaning k. *smiles* watch what u eat. Dun be stubborn. What you have been eating all these years is the cause of the new-ailment you have now. You think before you do anything k. Dun be stubborn. Dun retaliate. Just keep having 3-times-a-day balanced meals and keep eating your medicine, insya-Allah, you'll be okie. *smiles*

^^^

I dun feel like meeting anyone. I dun feel like talking to anyone. I dun feel like discussing about anyone. Just staying in my shell and keeping quiet. What is the use of contacting anyone when people rarely contact me? In addition, people are busy with their other important commitments that are more worthwhile; work, families, boifren's family,the dating game, etc etc etc. I am the least of their worries. *smiles*

Well, at least I am hoping that I am the least of their worries. Nah...I am doing okie. Just being the quiet me. Someone use to tell me,"...being attached does not mean we dun spend time with our friends..." True...*smiles* prefer to stay away. Or what another person had told me,"...dun disappear. Just stay silent. They have their own obligations. They need sumthing, they would come and find you. Just be and act normal. " *smiles* Acting normally here...

***
Him: selamat hari raya haji kambing-kambing kawan ku...
Her: sapa ni?
Him: iyerlah tu. ****** la. Nombor hp aku kau delete kepe. Kalo taknak contact aku lagi, bleh bilang aku pe.
Her: Ok.

***

Never gave a concluding answer. Just ended it with an 'ok'. *sigh* Up to the individual on how to decipher such a reply. *smiles* No obligations...When there is no obligations, there is no expectations...*smiles*...

Biar...
Sekadar taknak menyusahkan orang je...
Life is too short to prove to be a burden on other people's shoulders...
*smiles*

Hasta manana...

...perspective...

^^^
*just a temporary gloating moment*
my beshfriend's weight is...*drum-rolls*...is 59kg! AhakZ! Six more kg ina, and we are of the same weight...Come on! *grinz*...never mind. Slowly la...u get your health back on track and then cut down k?
^^^

*analysing being in different shoes*

Him:
I do not see the problem of having another lady maintaining me even when I already have the 'permanent' companionship of another. I know where I stand and the purpose of each 'relationship' that I am currently 'juggling'. As long as I am true to the permanent and I remain platonic to the other, I really do not see harm in sustaining and maintaining whatever I have right now. I am doing pretty well in keeping both gerls from getting at loggerheads with each other. So where is the harm in continuing the present situation?

*blur*
I am not displaying myself as a chauvinist or a highly-maintenance man, but, without a doubt, having the companionship of two ever-so-willing ladies who are by my side and pacifying whatever I need, why would I want to let go of this? I have come to 'sayang' both of them, so, to whom do i let go? *scratch-scratch head* let time tell? Ah...let time tell....

Her:
He is attached. Why would I want to stay any longer in this? Does she knows of my existence in the first place? It was clearly stated that there is no ulterior motives accompanying his actions and he claims that she is okie with it. But how okie would she be knowing that her guy is going out with another girl? How safe can she feel knowing that her guy is bound to hang out with another girl? There is no underlying motives, but, how secure can she be? I am a woman myself, and I would not trust my guy with another girl. Yah-yah-yah...I cannot equalise her to me...but...does not all women work on the same generals?

*thinking back*
I am just a friend...Aren't i? But let us look at things at this angle: why would a guy want to contact and befriend a girl that he just met? I do not believe that things are JUST that simple: just want to be friends. I am cynical...so help me on this...How? The over-friendliness...He does not try too hard though...The offers to hang-out...He does not push it when I reject though...The contacting...He does not sms often though...How? Should I judge him or not?

Me:
Being cynical as I, I tend to look at things more of the negative than on the positive. I believe that men do things to soothe their overwhelming loneliness. Women do the same. No doubt, in life, people makes use of another for the sake of their own well-being.Hey! That's the way life goes. Too bad!

It is true that I think too much. Most of the time, I think of the consequences of certain actions that could sequence in a certain consequence. True that I might be wrong. I ain't no saint. I ain't no fortune teller anyways. But, you can prevent alot of madness from occuring or recurring if you are more careful with your actions. Because of this,I stay away from alot of people. It is unhealthy to stay away from people. But, if eruptions of hysteria are bound to occur by my presence, I might as well stay away and save people from the shit that I am bound to bring. Grr...I do not want to live through my life knowing that I was part of a shit that I do not actually want to happen. *smiles* LIfe is too short to shoulder such mediocre...

Just be wary of people who are over-friendly. Though the true intentions were laid beforehand. I believe that perspectives are bound to change with time, situations and circumstances. Like what my mother always say to me: "...hati orang, mana kau tahu. Hati orang tu boleh berubah dengan sekelip mata...Jangan layan sangat...Kalo dorang nak, biar masuk minang..." *smiles*

...perturbant...

"...the eyes are the gateways to the soul..."
Someone used to tell me that all the time. He would stare me in the eye everytime we conversed. Might be due to him not being able to trust me, thus, looking through my eyes would give him the proof that I was being truly honest at that point of time during that conversation. Might be due to him just wanting to feel more intimate, by, looking me in the eye to give me the security that he was keen, on I, in continuing the conversation. Either the reasons, he is gone now...and I miss him...

"...sendiri mau ingat..."
Someone used to tell me this too. He never fails to make me laugh like crazy. The only person who could jibber and speak not more than a werd, yet, making me laugh my inners out. Funny ain't it? Hark! Weird as it might be, he's gone...and I...remembers and appreciates that our paths crossed...more than three times in this lifetime...

"...saya setakat boleh mendengar je...no komens..."
Someone's favourite line. A good line nevertheless. Funny that there are zillion uncertainties surrounding this person. "...too good to be true..." yah-yah-yah...How true! How easily people were being eluded with the fine thin line separating companionship, comfort and love with mistaken unrequited 'love'. I do admit that such a thing is addictive. Who would not be addicted to a placebo for the infinitely existing sickness that we always call loneliness?

As what you deem cigarettes...as what you deem alcohol...as what you deem sex...as what you deem media...as what you deem books...companionship can be as addictive. "...dun play with my heart..." be careful with people's hearts.

"...women can learn to love. That, i admit, is a virtue. As for men, they cannot learn. They fall. However, if they try to learn, they would usually end up not loving. Unfortunate for women...fortunate for men...because they usually get whatever or whoever they love..."
Sad. Of cos, I should not use one man's words as a stand, but he makes sense. Uncertainties arose when man contemplates and procrastinate. Thus, arousing more unsureness. Thus, I believe that I am never in any of those man's choice of permanent companion at all. Just a temporary shelter for them. Well, as per normal, I am an umbrella for the hard rain that falls on them.

People come and people go. Maybe I am careless with my own heart as I embrace whoever comes and allow them to hurt my heart as I , am ever so willing, open it to them. Well, no qualms to me. I give when I feel at my utmost sincere. Being human, I do feel hurt. But I know that I have no right to ask anything of another. I give all that was within my capacity. If they hesitate to give me their most sincere, then so be it.

I do not control their coming. Neither do I control their leave. However, that does not mean I cannot pine for their coming and grieve for their leave...

...to whom much is given, much will be expected...

...life's for rent...

***
I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world ALONE and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
***

Whilst I balance on life's unstable taut...
I meticuluously protect my heart...
Unfortunate that externals are careless with thine...

...aper-aper...

wateva~

sometimes, offers are extremely seductive and there is actually no way to refuse it. Once confiding in people, you'll expect those people to be supportive as the offer seems to be a once-in-a-lifetime thingy. But, the question has always been: can you commit or bring yourself to commit to such an activity? You cannot and would not! Thus, waste of words.

Think...Think proper and beget proper things...Think when you're seduced and EXPECT people to be supportive of tings that would not favour you in any ways, instead, you'll get bogged down and be excreted more than ever, then the support expected is utter redundant. Yah-yah-yah...being as what you are, you'll procrastinate the answer and make people hope that you'll accept when you already know you would not...Please la...Dun mislead people...Think...

Well...wateva...

dah malas...

...rindu...

rindu mengetuk bingkai jendela jiwa
padamu ya maulana padamu ya saiyidina
padamu yang bergelar singa
rindu berpaut salang diutus rasa
rindukan peribadimu yang bersinar atas jemala...

***

I am playing with fire again. I sense the the unwanted brew of a bonfire to a potential ravaging fire...I see bad things ahead...But still i indulge...

***

...oblivious...

Aku rindu. The mind just cannot keep itself from the thoughts of him. It is scary that when u speak of the person, either he calls or messages. It is scary. It, nonetheless, warms the heart to know u are constanly remembered...

I am missing him...but does he miss me?

***
awak: u noe wat...saya nak gi kl tau...
saya: argh! awak nak tinggalkan saya?
awak: hahaha...jangan cakap macam gitu. saya gie dengan family...
saya: owaits...

***

^blur^ wat was that? ok-ok...sharing of information. Friends must share info. kan? kan? kan?...ok...care bears countdown...5...4...3...2...1...care bears SHARE!!!!! *tunjuk perut!*

---

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rule of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go

every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go

---

& i elude myself into believing the fantastical could bring me infinite happiness
as per norm, reality ravages my delirious needs...
i turn hysterical....