...twisted tales from the twisted macabre of my heart...

it is hard to coax the aching heart. it is hard to stop it from crying whenever it yearns of a presence. it is hard to stop thinking of someone that you like but who is not there. it is hard...though how hard it is, one have got to drag herself along the concrete road no matter how exhausted she is and move...

i am dragging...just dragging along...i am battered and worn...and withered...i am dragging along the granite ground, lacerating myself against it...

when i like something or someone, i always don't have the chance to call it mine. Sigh...they always go away without a word...i pine and yearn for it though...sad i always do not get what i want...sigh...when i really-really want it, it just disappears even before i could savour its presence...

i am pining...

...*teleng head*...

something is bothering me...could not quite put a finger to it though...
*scratch head*
what ah?

help?

*we tend to seek specks of sanity amidst fragments of yesterday*

true kan?
and i am still swallowed by tsunami of yesterdayS...*roll eyes*

^thanks to Dy, now i am addicted to his blog-song *slap forehead*^

try - nelly furtado

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds, the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In love
We are free in our love

Try

...though i've tried...

the waves of time wash upon my shores...trying to spiral up the landscape of my steep beach slope, and slowly it rolls down back into the fantastical sea. I am seated on the edge where the fine line of separation between my fantasy and my reality lies...and i just stare upon the horizons that seems to break the light of day...it breaks my heart to see that light could be so beautiful...a horizon is formed and it lies between the end of day and the beginning of night...the blend of night and day colours would warm any cold-hearted person who is willing to sit and immerse herself into nature...

we all begin with good intent
when love is raw and young
we believe that we could change ourselves
the past can be undone
but we carry on our back the burdens time always reveal
in the lonely light of morning
in the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
i've held so dear

infront of my fantastical line belies a figure i wanted so dear....i wish i could run to him and hold him near...and rub my face in his chest and keep him up close, keeping myself warm and loved. but each time, i am near to him, he'd run and here in my heart, the hurt is tingled over and over again. as i turned away from the fantastical movie that is playing infront of me, the doors of reality opens with a screech so loud that i am forced to turn...and there stood several figures that i do not recognize. though reluctant as i am, i'm intrigued by what they bring me. as i slowly approach these fine merchants who hold packages lavishly wrapped in gold, silver and diamonds, i cannot help but to turn every now and then to the fantastical figure that i am about to back-face; afraid that i would lose sight of him any minute...too precious to even get distracted for even a minor second...

the figure is there...elusive...illusive...but the figure is there...if only i can touch it and make it mine...my heart screams for his existence...i want to be there, wrapped in his arms where i could rub my nose in his chest and fill my lungs with his natural scents...where i could feel loved all the time, and time just passes...between u and i...he offers me nothing of what the merchants bring me but my heart screams of him...to go to him...lust? a want? a need? i do not know...but what i am aware is the figure beckons me to wait and find out what he has to offer...volatile though...

sigh...
u're there but u're not there...
why?

..::sex please::..

in a relationship, it is normal (correct me if i am wrong) to say that it comprises both of the physical and emotional. the sustenance of a person by another person emotionally and physically is both a typical human and animalistic behavior. it is only right to maintain each other that way. then, they would deem it a relationship wouldn't it?

Thus (correct me if i am wrong), it is normal for a healthy relationship to have the emotional ratio to be more than the physical ratio, right? So (correct me if i am wrong), it is not right for another to expect that the relationship to have more physical tinges than emotional tinges right? then, the relationship would be highly dependent on the physical than the emotional kan? Concluding, it is unhealthy kan?

Thus, my perturbant is: why can't older intellectual man settle for anything less? true that they might have tasted more than a normal boy-gerl relationship and might have explored the sex-world with their X-halves. thus, my question is: aren't they willing to settle for anything less? even if they have possibly found something that would give them more happiness than their X-halves, they are not willing to lower their standards and settle for something simpler? OR am i governed by naivety to even harbour the traditional thought that a relationship should have concrete fundamentals built upon emotional attachment first and THEN (duno how many long timeS later) the physical would slowly flower. Kan? To all my dearies who has been attached or are attached, enlighten me on this...please...

*shrugs* this is just a thought that was aroused by an experience a few days ago. weird that these people exist. highly attracted by their intellect and, possibly, maturity. *shrugs* cool, in a sense, that i am revealed to such a reality. know such a reality exists but never had the experience to see it face to face. Hark~ was slapped by it twice by two men whom I was intrigued by their 'intellect' and 'maturity'. *laffZ*...

Oh well...life?...ah...life...

D...would try to not think as much yah...i try...
dun be disappointed. dun nid you to feel disappointed...
nid your support more than u feeling disappointed...*smiles*

...thinking...

*shrugs*

too tired to even think...
sembarang ah...

...ur silence is my perturbant...

a simple line but has numerous invocations. Several meanings to it...so, how do i answer when a person asked," is dat nick meant for me?" do i answer using the half truth? or, do i answer in the pretence that what the person want to hear could be the truth?

Sigh...

...hmm...

imagine this....

i am seated infront of my computer...typing whatever comes along into my mind...and my head is teleng to the left side. I have so many things to type...so many things to think about...but i...am just...taking it nonchalantly...at least trying to take it non-chalantly...

denial?
i think it is more to being very tired....

*shrugs* i wori myself sometimes. was crying myself badly a few days back and had to force myself to stop cos it hurt so bad...i felt my heart almost stop...can't hope for people to understand because they are not me. they can try to emphatise...but, they would not be able to see it wholely the way i see it... *smiles*

never mind...just trying to chill and filter the stuff from me... :)

heard this from somewhere...: " marriage is like a gamble, until there is proof that i can win all, then i would not settle for marriage at all..." *smiles*

i'd modify it to my context to: " a relationship is like a gamble...until there is proof that i can win all, then i would not settle for a relationship at all..." *smiles* wat are the odds of that happening? zilch...well...*smiles*

...erase...

and i erase you from my handphone...though painful, the number that i seek to appear has finally been deleted. the possibility of having any contact with you has thus been erased. your smile that captivated me so...and your charm that has swoon me over the nines has been forcefully eliminated...Though hard to do so, i forced myself...

i shut my eyes hard when i deleted ur number...and i grit my teeth when i deleted any possible contacts...it hurts...for someone who has managed to 'convince' me to say yes after all these years, i find it hard to just let it go...but since you left, i have to do as such...i am not worthy...

i have taken off the ring...well...not worth of such an entitlement...thus i shall disregard of having an attachment in the first place...

D...it's not sarip....

just to make my beshfwen hepi~

coffee = kedai kopi belakang rumah aku peh kopi sedap~!
yellow = my upcoming superfour!!!
pillow = my tweety bird pillow~
britney = can't sing~
J.Lo = cheap?
pink = i wore pink to diving yesterday~ argh!
Josh Hartnett = blackhawkdown~ *droolZ!*
Tom Welling = my husband...aye-aye...
popcorn = fat!!!!!
lamer = lama or LAME-r?
Raymond = Everybody LURVES Raymond...
Utt = overrated ass...who cannot seem to talk proper...
party = er....
S.H.E = huh?
memories = hurt...but they are what build you...
sushi = long-long time never eat...
neo-prints = cute~!
Sorry = seems to be the hardest word...
enemy = plenty~!!!!
dog = all guys!!!
country = somewhere NON-Singapore...
love = never would be in my genre...
bf/gf's ex = bitches!
liars = i loathe!
Sean Paul = a person who happens to bring back the old in modern times and was deem as a 'diva'. Padahal, he is just re-doing what was done before...copycat~!
WWE = dah tak tengok dah...
jealousy = malas~
bed = covered in tweetu birds...and hasmy lovely helmets on its upper deck...and under the fan...love-love~!!!
clubbing = any khakis?
Dark Angel = nice concept, stupid story...
thanksgiving = sumthing normal...
aloha = Hola~!
Marche = good place to be romantic with ur loved ones...banana caramel waffle with vanilla brownie ice-cream...
smooches = gone....

...drop me into the abyss of nothingness...

drop me into the abyss...
where i want to be swallowed by the darkness and nothingness...
plunge me deeper into depression...
flight me into vacuum...

pls...make me disappear d...pls...

.:...my heart hurts...literally...:.

how could a brief touch prove so potent to the heart and leave me searching for undired relief of my rest. why? a brief touch...as the saying goes, it takes a minute to fall in love with someone...i am still puzzled over that line...i am broken again...D~ help~

i am wondering why such a brief moment could bring about such burden onto me? such a weight upon my heart? and such dazedness to my mind? it is just a stupid 'yes'...and things have to go this way....why? why d~ why? why? why? why????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? *look down and crying*

I am infront of my keyboard here and crying my hearts out....feeling so vulnerahle...why d?~ it hurts....
astarghfirullah...i am crying again~ over a brief moment...

i do not want this pain anymore d....now i recall why i ran away from it all in the first place. the hurt of losing someone...the burden of carrying the possibility of not having that someone in ur life anymore. the heavy boulder to have that the someone might not be yours....the infinite worries u have of the person...the silent treatment that could burden me with...why? i ran away from it all...i survived...and why did i return to indulge myself in such pain? cause i forgot how it feels? cos i wanted to have a taste of it all again? masoschistic? sadistic? tell me~ WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF AGAIN~!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

*trying very hard to calm myself down from the torrents of tears*
i am coaxing myself...and am very pissed that such a reality is thrown in my face yet again...yah-yah...i chose the wrong guy....thought the age would owe me an explanation...on the contrary, it gave me more silence...

i stare upon my handphone, expecting a call or a msg...but u noe wat, nothing came. i am expecting something out of nothing? i think. i am that dumb ah d. *nod-nod* a dumb blonde i labeled myself to be~ i finally have fully fulfilled that criterion aye. *syabas* *laughing cynically* astargfirullah...I AM SO FUCKING PISSED AT MYSELF!!!!!!

all these feelings are redundant ah d? well, i made a mistake...berani buat, berani tanggung i guess. such emotional burden aggravated by non-answered questions due to redundant silence is heavy on me...i find it difficult to walk with my nose high again d~ i feel so ashamed~!!! i put myself down too hard ah d? it was just a brief moment u noe d...brief~ tell me how a brief moment could land me in this position? crying my hearts out when the person is not here? astargfirullah....

astargfirullah....
astargfirullah....

i can so judge...i can so put myself down there at the lower end of the ladder and judge~ but here i am, wallowing myself in tears, trying my best to be as diplomatic and as fair as i could in trying to move away from whatever has happened...i see it worthless in judging and seeking answers when i am at wit's end...but still i am crying...i can so judge d...i am breaking down~!!!! *crying*

wat did i do d? wat did i do wrong? wat did i do to deserve this? i expect a man of his age to have the guts to sit and talk things out rather than to be a 'leave'...sigh...i took a plunge...and i plunge into nothingness when i thought a ledge was there to hold me and eventually bring me up to safer grounds. i prove to be naive aye...salivated by what i thought was 'intellect'. i am so gullible...never mind...i am only human...eaten by gullibility, expectations and naivety...i am just a drop in the sea...nothing in relative to the open sea...

i feel literal pain...i forgot how it felt like...but, it is back...*weak smiles*...the thumping of the heart against the chest, trying to free itself from the natural constraints...argh!!!! set me free!!! it is fucking painful i tell you~!!!

sitting down here, looking at your photos and longing for you to come back...
yearning for your presence...
funny, i am holding on to a string that was already cut...
nought's had, all's spent~

.:been a long time:.

it has been a long time that i sleep with a heavy heart, thinking of where and what another person is doing: whether he is fine...whether he is okie...whether he is doing well in his life. it has been a long time that i wake in the middle of the heart, breatheless and my heart pounding recognizing the possibility of losing someone is very near. though, this was not as heavy as the past, but the tinges are there. i do not like the feel of it at all...

life has a cynical way of slapping reality into my face. when i am brave enough to turn and face the bull by its horns, reality gives me a full slap on the face and says," go back that way...that is the way you are supposed to walk." so, i turn, feeling dejected and forlorn. but then again, the ongoing road whispers to me," you definitely do not belong here. go somewhere else to find your alms..." and the inevitable question lingers on my mind: where do i seek solace?

i am told that i am in denial. i agree to a certain extent. but, how deep in denial am i when i do not get assurance of something that i deem good? i jumped into things? yes, i did. i took a risk...a very big risk. but it blew in my face. humans have a very animalistic way of solving matters: they pack and leave when things are not in their favour. the saying of "berani buat, berani tanggung" does not hold any dignity in people's eyes anymore. i took a plunge into someone's pool and risk myself in fishing for a fish that i do not recognize. but i am extremely aware if that fish ain't for me to eat and when that pool is trying to regurgitate me.

it is sad that someone as matured as U would resort to just leaving. silence does not make matters better. it makes things worst. it fills my entity with an infinite chain of questions that i definitely do not have answers to. well, as they would simply put it: a deed deserved.

i have tasted the overwhelming feel of emotional attachment and then sudden detachment. i have tasted the remorse of leaving two men whom i have come to love. i have tasted the pain of knowing that someone i love is with another. i have tasted many, and yet not tasted the feel of having someone that i can call my own. when the time has come, when i thought the calling was here, the blair of of horns were stopped midway. i am left alone again...*smiles*

nah...it is okie i guess. i have built myself from scratch...and be the way i am now...and i shall try to stand again..wat is the big deal? *weak smiles* am not in denial d....reallie...you weigh the situation... you open your eyes and see...
see what i see d...pls...*crying* *shaking*

...lethargic...

i get very tired easily nowadays. just wana sleep. but when i sleep, i do not sleep well. it is like lingering in another dimension, more awake than i was before. so, if my realm of rest is shrouded by wakeness, is my realm of wake regarded as sleep? so...when i do really sleep? nought~

my body screams for rest...my mind lingers upon the seductions of my bed's beckons~...my eyelids seem to have tonnes hanging upon its edge...and my heart is restless...my shoulders ache from burdens of impulsive rash decision making...hark~ this is what people would say: reap what you sow...and i am reaping from the unripened sow of my fields...

give me solace~!!!!!!!!

...3...

3 tries d...
Agama: give that someone three chances for him to redeem his mistake.
Social: three chances suffices him to repent and rectify the problem in the beginning...

I have tried three times d...Messaged. I do not cling, you know that. Thus, I msg subtly every morning. Once a day, ONLY! Yet, no reply. I noe when I am being ignored...and thus, as painful as a non-expected revelation is, I am now being ignored!!! Assume too much aye? Well, this part I do know: when things just do not go the way we deem it to be, it is better for people to leave. I shall not judge and put myself down low...I shall stay quiet...No entitlements, no obligations...no expectations...no planning...

I am going to lead my life as it was before I met U...zilch...nothing...
No more rings on my finger dear...

i am still dazed...never mind...
i am ignored...
if a mere sms is not being replied, what makes u so sure, my calls would be answered? Hark! Go figure...
A person who packs and leave?
U made me do it the silent way....

*this love has taken its toll on me*

...U...

u make me think...alot...straightforward? a little on the inhuman side? i am perturbed...
at one time, he is human...then he becomes that again...
sigh...

a week?
give it a week...
maybe there is nothing to begin with...
words are mere words remember?
people can go back on their words...

"why was i talking to a different you yesterday? and now that i see you, you are back to square one? give it a day? give you time? then it becomes a 2nd day...then 3rd day...and then it goes on and on and on...why can't you just do it?"

i am dazed~
very sleepy d...very sleepy....

...epiphanies...

"you talk too much..."
"you think too much..."
"you complain too much..."
"you are too hard on yourself.."
"why can't you just take the plunge and forget about it the next day?"
"life is hard enough, cut some slack."
"some things are meant to happen, you cannot reproach urself from it from happening..."
"you ask too many questions."
"you plan too much, should just go with the flow."
"u wana take the lead?"
"aren't i taking the lead?"
"when u dun want something, is dat how you are going to go about doing things? fight?"
"when someone comes along and see us, are you going to leave me like dat? push me away?"
"are you the 'leave'-type?...you are the 'leave'-type..."
"there you go again...you have to ask, right? you have to ask..."
"you are doing it already, then you stop mid-way and then you begin to reproach urself...why? can you don't do this?"
"it is either a 'yes' or a 'no'...no in-betweenZ...yes?! or no?!..."
"life is as simple as u make it out to be...you don't have to think too much and in the end get urself even more confused than ever..."
"don't you realise you are selfish. u get what you want, i dun get wat i want. not fair..."

sigh...
you learn something new about yourself everyday huh?
dats a whole bunch of things up there...
i'm dazed...

thinking...

wat makes people give numbers to certain people and reject the rest of the lot? looks? chemistry? good conversation? or just the feeling of 'wat the heck...just give lor...'?

hmm...encountered 4 incidents of this.

A: it is the 'wat the heck'-situation. a gamble. i am not quite to be known as the 'risk-taker' when it comes to this. funny that i just gave the number...
B: had a good conversation. i thought we had a good conversation. HArk! a monster he turned out to be. an exact replica of mamakopet~ PANGKAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C: a good man. chinese-looking (*droolZ*)...dunnoe...(*shrugZ*)
E: a good-looking man...well, what can i say? I have grown superficial? AhakZ!

To the F,G,H,I,J and blah-blah...*shrugs*...there are available slots all the way to Z. AhakZ!

*trust me...ain't enjoying this...my hp bill is rising....that part i hate...*

wait the slot-D has been filled...and i am waiting for my D...the old beaten box...sigh~

...brood...

how is it possible to want companionship without the tag of commitment? is it possible for one to be seated on the pedestal of being single but have the luxuries of being with people he/she love around her when she needs them?

the virtue of being able to be alone is a hard practice to master. it gets lonely sometimes. as one gets older, they are shrouded with the responsibilities of tomorrow. unfortunately, it cannot be shirked. scary sometimes. so many things to do, so little time to get it done actually. scary.

as i sit and reminiscent upon the yesteryears, i deem my life as being ultra colourful. it has numerous tinges of many emotions attached to it. the vibrant memoirs etched to my heart never fails to warm me in times of the cold hard lonely winters in my seasonal moods. hark! funny that I cannot quite put a finger to something that seems to be missing from my life. I guess the tag of committing to one...

the idea seduces me. the presentation makes me drool. the package that is ribboned with velvety red smooth silk and wrapped with silver cloth that is laced with white ribbons with bows of pink blossoms attracts me even more. but then again, what if it is not the right package for me to own? what would appear before me once i unwrapped the gift that i have fallen head over heels over? would my swooned heart yearn for the disappearance of the package immediately? just ain't right isn't it?

there seems in front me, lays numerous packages. there are the baby blue wraps with dark blue velvety flowers enwrapped with silver ribbons. there are the red gifts laced with lilac cloth and bowed with a gold rosey flowers at the top right-hand corner. there are those cute little golden packages that is sprayed with the smells of fresh flowers...eluding me into thinking that i am in a field full of freshly bloomed flowers...funny that all these lavish gifts appear infront of me, but i yearn for just an old box that is old and beat. I know what I want and it lies in that box. however, i see the box laying far away from my reach...if i could only reach it *hands out-stretched*

i want that package but i don't dare say a thing. i really truly believe in the saying :' if it is meant to be, things would snake into place eventually...' i leave it all to fate...

*have been upgraded to an entitlement of 'D'...is that a good or a bad thing?....i am perturbed...*

his non-chalant ways are my perturbants...

....

*what we do in life will echo into eternity*
i ponder upon the rights of today, if they are meant to be permanent?
i wonder upon the existence of ties today, if they are meant to be permanent?
i see upon myself shrouded by the thoughts of impossibility, yearning for the forbidden fruit that would eliminate all existence of ties. but then again, the fruit is so seductively succulent. if i could just try to reach it...

have you ever drop a pin in an extremely silent room and you would hear its echoes infinitely dropping into the night? how a small pin could lay upon the stable sonic environment vibrating against its rings?

*sigh*
i remembered suddenly upon a saying a very good fren of mine used to tell me," God has a mysterious method in passing messages to his people. If it is not good for you, no matter how much you want it, you will never get it..."

*enough...that is enough for now*
*sigh*

...that's enough for now...

again, i am sitting here infront of the computer with tears in my eyes. why? i hardly know why. i want to sit down in a corner, bring my knees up to my chest...put my head in between my knees and cry like crazy...my heart misses him terribly...

*absence makes the heart grows fonder*
*so near yet so far*
*sometimes, the best conversation is to not say anything at all*
*i feel lonely even when u are so near me*
a movie has this effect on me. It touched me. *roll eyes* sappy huh? yah...i guess...revelations during a movie. A brit movie though. *roll eyes again* was against Brit movies. look at me now. I am sobbing from the after-effects of the movie...a Brit movie some more...

.:
A: these are all pictures of me...
B: *scared look*
A: but u never liked me...u never talked to me...
B:*urgent...scared*
A: how can that be possible...u never liked me...
B: *fumble*...it was...er...a...self-preservation...
A: how....er....*dumb-founded*
.:

*sigh*...*look down*...*tears welling*...*tears dropped*...
i cannot afford to do anything...i cannot...*sigh*

*i miss him*
*tears dropped*
*wiped eyes*
*sigh*
*look down*

*enough...that's enough for now*

...soothe my aching heart that is shrouded with yearns of miss...
...soothe my aching heart that is filled with thoughts of you...
...comfort me with your permanence...
...i cry for grievances of unachieved ambitions...

...come near...come far...

i miss someone terribly. he sat by my side...there so near...yet so far...i miss him terribly...

watch love actually UNCUT...u'll understand...

"tell him it's the carols..."

"...my wasted heart loves you..."

"enough...that's enough for now..."

*crying*

...the grievances of today...

watched a good movie today. well, as we get older, i guess we pick movies alongside our expectations of it being good and maybe of reflecting elements to the things that are going on in our lives. true?

some things notched its edge on me just now and i begin to think about many athings. well, things about life. wait seminit, when have i actually NOT think!~? hmm...anyways, remember that in an earlier entry, i question about people not coming at all? Now, they come and i truly wonder whether I want all these attention? Okie-okie...let say I bask freely in the attention given, what is the catch? Do all these things come for free? Can I not be charged?

I begin to wonder whether I can handle the thought of being with someone. I speculated in my mind whether I could embrace graciously the possibility of being with someone. Unfortunately, after thinking things through, the answer is: No! I have not have enough fun yet...I guess the right person would eventually come along and would automatically make you want to stop having fun and finally get seriously committed. I have not found that one.

As what someone had told me," wait...give it time.." I could not agree more. But, I find it funny that my heart yearns for another. Truly, it does. That I find very weird...I find him extremely intriguing...But he disappears...Sigh...never mind. Angin? Entah...

Now I have come to believe that, dalam diri saya nie, I actually do not want to get bogged down by commitment. Though the thought of having to go through it seduces me, I actually do not want to really indulge myself in it...

Let me bask more in the limelight ah...pwease....pwease...I am not trying to play with fire though...believe me...i dun...Just let me have a little bit more fun k d?

*muahZ*

...hear me...hear me not...

There was someone who came up to me and asked," why do we treat the people we love badly? why do we always spray words of hate to them? BUT as for those we do not know, we treat them with utmost respect and speak with words so beautiful that flowers could bloom upon its showers? Shouldn't we treat the people we love as such and treat the people we do not know with bad manners? "

True. Very true. I guess once we get ultra comfortable with someone, we tend to show our true colours to them huh? We take for granted that they would be there. They would stay rooted by our sides. Has it ever occur to you that everyone's slot by our side is merely temporal? They would move on to another person and stay rooted by their sides instead. All these would happen due to circumstances though. Well, I see many of those rooted by my side staying rooted by another person. Well, I do not mind. Look on the positive tone (well, taking solace over a negative note actually) is that I do not have to quite worry about that person as much. At least, not as much ah.

Hmm...I find it funny. The less touch we have with someone, we are deemed as 'not caring or loving them' or 'going against them'. If the touches are overwhelming, we are labeled as 'clingy' or 'over-dependent' or merely 'squeezing the emotional span of someone'. *hint-hint* *shrugs* I guess life is as such. People are insatiable. Could never get enough. Tak bersyukur? Hmm...It is only human to want more than what they presently have.

Sigh...What can I say? One can never please everyone. Funny that people have their emotional pillars to outlet their angst and woes. As for me, I do not. I keep quiet. Even that, I get bogged down. ' the pen is mightier than the sword...' true...the ever so true statement. But, do analyse a certain statement openly.

A statement can mean so much. But it can be concluded myopically due to the circumstances that the person,who was reading, is in. Well, no obligations. Up to the individual on how to decipher such words. If you feel pinpointed, blamed and ostracised, why not you question yourself 'why'? Think of it this way: people you love WILL shoot you if we see anything wrong. So far, silence has been the pen for communication. So, do you see any fingers pointing? Or in actual fact, you WANT to SEE fingers pointing? It is easier to be put down below as you can work your way up and prove people wong huh? Nonetheless, a statement can be very neutral. However, the statement can prove to be venomous if you were to shower it with potents of poison. Think...

Oh well, life is too short to think of other's stand huh? Life does not evolve around you...but then again, if you do not make your life your objective to live, then what is? Selfish? Nah...it is only human to think of yourself first before others. Hark! There are people out there who do think of others before self. Anyways, no obligations...you take care yah...

*smiles*
*sembarang*

neutrality has been tarnished due to the venomous outline of your constraining circumstances...
i understand...
as long as I understand, that suffices for both of us...
there is no need for you to understand...

*smiles*

...i am the night...

been a long time since i have blogged. not that i am lazy to do so, it is just that I dun have the time to do so. too many things and yet so little time. sigh...that is life i guess...

have fallen victim to the same ailment yet again. *when will it ever end?* entah eh.

there are so many things to say. but, i cannot seem to pen it down. just could not put a finger to what is intriguing my mind. leme folder the thoughts and sequence all for you...i hope...

1....




2....




3....

darn! i cannot seem to pen it down...sigh...
cannot seem to think straight. quite tired to do anything though.sigh~

i am actually proud of this!!!

Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

wtf!!! wtf!!!

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i didn't cheat!!!
but...wat the f!!!!
hahaha...i am addicted to all these MEREPZ!

.:...:.

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

.:...:.

You are the playful pin-up! Do you know how to be
serious?


What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

~...~

pengalaman mengajarku
jangan mudah meluahkan isi hatiku
tapi bila dia melamar ku
senyuman ayumu hati ku luas terbuka
yang ku idamkan mu selama
yang ku genggam terpisah

aku pernah jatuh cinta
kerana cinta diri ku merana
aku pernah bahagia
kata manisnya buatku terpedaya
biarkan ku temankan pilu
haruskah cinta kejam padaku

kini mula ku terasakan
degupan hatiku mula rasa gelisah
kehadiranmu ku mengharapkan
akan menghilangkan kegelapan di hidupku
kau yang seharusnya pertama agar terakhir selamanya

aku pernah jatuh cinta
kerana cinta diri ku merana
aku pernah bahagia
kata manisnya buatku terpedaya
biarku lupa kisah yang lalu
akan ku gubah hidup yang baru

pernah ku pernah...
aku pernah jatuh cinta
kerana cinta diriku merana
biarku lupakan kisah yang lalu
akan ku gubah oh hidup yang baru
kasih yang lama mengajar aku
agar bahagia hidup bersamamu...

wtf!!!!!

Lion King!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

do i look like lion king material?
i want to compren!!!!!

.:sambungan:.

alas...i get to see U. alas, i get to see U in person. i thought U were gone for good. well, after such rough exchanges of sms, who would expect U to return and still keep in contact. U msged when i least expect your presence. at last, i see U...

went with no expectations. funny that i had butterflies in my stomach. guess because i like U. *sigh* well, things/people i like are those that are to disappear soon enough. Hark! at least i am no longer biting my fingers in anticipation and frustration, i see U already.

can, at last, sleep peacefully...
NiteyZ my Big DODO...

.:feel used:.

there a unanimous consensus in the society, regarding a certain issue, that was dismissed as being very small. i think such dismissal is normal due to the fact that no one seem to feel its pinch. funny...i always feel the pinch...

*people makes use of one another, in one way or another*
true, very true.

*move away from that person once you feel used*
my qn is: what if you started to feel used ONLY when they left? i dislike the mindset that people touch and go. don't they ever realise the impact that person could and would have on the person you left? or are they wringing them emotionally for their own benefit that they refuse to see the possible impact that they could have imprinted to others? or, they have a totally different intention, when leeching on the 'going-to-be-left-party', and they don't see that they could possibly impose on others?

if the stand is the latter, then my argument is: are u fucking dense? doing things at your own pace and intention is good. hey, at least we are assured that you are goal-oriented and extremely focused. however, on the negative note, you are blardy ignorant. or, naive!!! sesuka datang, abeh sesuka pergi. never know the salivated trails of yearn that you have caused me to have once you left! argh!!!!

this entry might seem to be filled with all 'interests' concerning only me. and it seem to be portraying that life MUST surround me. It seem to display the operative first person word: I. Hark! On the contrary, I am not. Don't tell me I am the only one who seem to fell this way! I do not expect that people come and stay etched in my life permanently. But, I do not expect them to leave also. How and what do I define as 'leaving'? 'Leaving' is to go silent on a very long duration after always leeching on you everyday for a very long time. It is like, the sudden snap of a kite's string.

Maybe, it was wrong of me to get emotionally attached to those who come. But hey, if you do not give your fullest to whatever friendship you have with them, aren't you comprimising the friendship's fullest sincerity? Hark! Argh! I am starting to babble. The flow of thoughts has seem to run disarray. *grunt* Shall continue when my thoughts are incoherence.

*sigh*

.:thinking:.

i think too much for my own good. sigh...i see people by my side being pulled away. either that or, they move away. i cried again yesterday...sigh...just am very tired i tell you. the eyes are still swollen over yesterday's torrents. now, the heart heave with a weight that seem to be ultra overwhelming for it to even hold. it's heavy...

i still feel like crying. but too tired to even shed anymore tears...sigh...

sigh~...takpelah...

i read this line somewhere:
" am i suppose to die the way i live...in seclusion?"

*sigh*

....

You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.

"And The Angel rose as holy protector for
all that was created. She fought with honor
and valor to serve the good of the world. But
the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and
end to purity."

Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael
(Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue,
the number 2, and the element of wind.
Her sign is the zenith sun.

As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your
word. You generally keep your promises and
give everything you do your best. Although
some people see you as overbearing sometimes,
you know that you have to stay true to yourself
and do what's right. Angels are the best
friends to have because they are brutally
honest.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

....I am a queen!!!!....

You are Elizabeth I. Need I say more? You are
majestic and strong. Even though you play
games with people, you stand by what you
believe in. Elizabeth never married, yet
fooled the court into thinking she was
considering. That's what I meant. Friends
mean a lot to you and so do the arts. You
understand what it is like outside of where you
are. You live life to it's fullest. Please
rate my quiz. I cant say I dont wish to sound
desperate, because I am. So that doesnt help
much.


What famous female ruler are you? (written for the girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

hehehe

Don't get blood splatters on you when you shoot
your victim. Your methods are a bit uncouth but
your finesse and sense of style is impeccable.
With a bit of guidance you could live among us
in the world of vampires.



How would you Murder?
brought to you by Quizilla

i am dory!!!!

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

...though i tried...

this song again...
i have allowed torrents of tears down my cheeks today...

.:
heaven bend to take my hand
and lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight
truth be told i tried my best
but somewhere along the way
i got caught up in all there was to offer
but the cost was so much more than i could bear

though i've tried i've fallen
i have sunk so low
i messed up
better i should know
so don't come round here and
tell me i told you so

we all begin with good intent
when love is raw and young
we believe that we could change ourselves
the past can be undone
but we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
in the lonely light of morning
in the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
i've held so dear

heaven bend to take my hand
i've nowhere left to turn
i'm lost to these i thought were friends
to everyone i know
oh they turn their hands embarassed
pretend tyhat they don't see
that it's one misstep one slip before you know it
and there doesn't seem a ways to be redeemed
:.

*sigh*
*crying*

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

.:pupus:.

i am sleepy...have been having enough sleep...but still fil sleepy...argh! what is going on!!?!?!?!?

Anyways, i fil ya baby...about the pupus thingy...sigh...

i tink everyone around me is pupus-ing dun you think?
sigh!

such a sweet face...*sigh*...i fil fucking inferior xia!!!! what the hell!?!?!?!

never mind...so much for sniffles...i am vulgariting!!!!

fuck! still fil inferior...*looks down* *mumble softly* fuck~ inferior banget!

...thinking...

a good guy. too good to be true...air muka bersih and putih...decent. ultra decent...sigh...i fil inferior...

*look down* sigh *sniff*