...loathes...

i hate men who say but never do...
i hate men who preached but never practiced...
i hate men who made us hope but dun intend to cushion the fall...
i hate men who lure but dun intend to keep...

i hate kites....
i hate fishing reels...
i hate~
i hate~

i hate men who left and then come back as if nothing happened...
i hate men who re-appear and want to pick things from where they left off...

i hate kites...
i hate reels...
i hate~
i hate~

.wait~

*thinking*

i still hate~

...stoned...

malas~!
penat~!
ngantuk~!
lapar~!

*yawnZ*

hitam bukan cirimu
putih juga bukan cirimu
namun ku melihatmu tanpa cahaya
seperti memudar

cinta aku mencinta
kamu yang aku mahu
namun tak tepat waktu
ku sudah jera dalam percintaan

salam hangat untuk cintamu
aku yang panas dan patah hati
biarlah orang memandang lama
aku tak mahu bercinta lagi

engkau yang dulu pernah ku cinta
namun terlanjur kau bersamanya
dan ku terluka oleh cintanya
kini kau hadir ku sudah jera

better, perhaps, to die in doubt, knowing there's some revelations unfound, than to pursue and possess such a wretched uncertainty...

...a cruel relation...

when a bitch or a dog, at its ripe age, starts to whimper and moan and groan at any time of the day...my mum use to call it that it wants to get 'married' but it cannot...yet...so, my relation is: doesn't humans do the same?

when women and men do not get attached at a certain age, would not they make that same amount of noise too? well, not literal noise...i mean noise...whimpers...heart moans...sad melancholic sharings...sad depression wallowed beneath reality...and when they get attached, the noise just automatically shuts off...totally zilch noise...

i think that is what is happening to my friends...
think of it...

*
everytime you feel alone
i can blame it on you and i do
you got me like a loaded gun
golden sun and the sky so blue
we both know that we want it
and we both know you left me no choice...

you just bring me down
so i'm counting my tears to like it over you

sometimes i watched the world go by
and i wonder what is life
to wake up every single day
a smile on your face
you never try

we both know we get jaded
but we both know we have to face it

if only i could give you up
would i want to let you off from this sole cause

we both know that i'm not over you...

...thinking...

i am tired...rushing through my revision...
feel fat though have not been eating...i can actually see my veins sticking out from my hands...
panas~!!!! the fan is on at speed-3 but i am perspiring like a pig...
drank bottles and bottles of water...well, yesterday itself, i drank 4 litres of water...go figure...

someone sms-ed me calling me dear...
(not u people u dopes!)
...never replied...dun want to give the wrong response....

hot~!!!
panas~!!!
nak mandi lagi~

where is my 30-year-old-lyricist-whom-i-have-a-terrible-crush-on-and-who-is-my-dear's-friend when i need him...
haiyah~!!!

a new term...not haiyah...
it is HAYA~!!!!busha~!!!!
*grinZ*

*prying*

hmmm...
entah eh...
there are many things going on but just cannot concentrate on things yet...

a: after putting the phone down with you yesterday, i went to sleep straight away...
b: then?
a: i had a dream seh...peluk bantal...padahal...
b: padahal pe?
a: i dreamt i was bitten by a large snake...
b: *gasp!* *drop pencil...held notes in hand surprised* *suddenly very dazed* *wat the hell~!!!!?????*

*looking down*
aper seh...
ain't my fault kan?

...sacred...

i deem a proposal as being sacred. but what if the proposal is to and for you, what would you do?
i feel heavy...no-no...am not attached...but i feel heavy...

a: u ask questions, very difficult questions for me to answer. awak bukan calang-calang orang yang saya boleh main dengan sahaja nak menjawab...eventually i have to reveal everything to you...
b: and when are you going to keep all those? u want to shock me and kasi saya heart-attack and make me cry? and when things are very heavily involved, then baru nak bilang...
a: i was merely waiting for u to ask...then i answer....
b: *breathe heavily...turning notes furiously and tapping pencil on table aloud*

funny...funny...it feels heavy...
trailed by a bad past...still learning though...
haunted and chained to a bad past...
i am thinking...still thinking...

dari dikejar dengan basikal...i asked to be chased by walking...
c how...c how...
thinking...

...

tired...
tired...
dang dang dang...
tired...
tired...

my thumb hurts...
dang dang dang...
my head hurts...
and i could not stop crying yesterday....

tell me why...

nay~

u noe it is hard sitting here alone...
sitting here encapsulated alone with all the angst and frustrated buried deep in me...
do you know it is hard...
i am at the brink of giving up...

remembered once that i called someone, and i burst out crying...seeking solace and console...but all i got were breathes of anger and silence...no solace...no console...only steams of anger...judging my call as a redundant call...
the past rewinds...

wait...
i gave up...
life has taken its toll...

...fever...

fevered by the load of yesterdays...
the growls and pants of the past heart's burdens still plague my mind..
it rewinds the past and perturbed me so...
constantly lacerating the already broken heart...
as i stand outside my door and glance upon the far distant...
i begin to wonder whether there is an end to my life's horizon...

life as it is is an oxymoron...
my life is the oxymoron....
the never-ending contradiction...

i am the walking contradiction...

...right back at cha~...

what u do in life will echo into eternity...
what u do now, will be retributed three times fold...
what u think now, will be revealed and most probably unravelled not to you but to your loved ones, be it bad or good...

so...
can u shoulder it?

*sigh*

*slap forehead*

have got no idea why I am doing this in the first place...YOU PEOPLE AH!!!!

Nwae....

Juwaidah
Let's face the music and Juwaidah
*music? oohhh...yeah...*

Aidah
Loves the Aidah you hate
*ah...avid aidah haters would smurk at this*

Juwai
Keep that Juwai complexion
*wat complexion sia~*

Dah
This is the age of the Dah...
*i have an age of me own?*

Look at it this way...Each time you people call me by either these names, the chant of those slogans are mantra-ed somewhere...hahahaha....kewl huh?

selenge~want to die
*slap forehead*

...

depression has manifested into cynicism...
anger has been mutilated into non-chalance...

is that a good or a bad thing?

my once shiny eyes has turned glassy...
and my heart has turned to crystal...

is that a good or a bad thing?

distraction has been spored into the air...
my heart has been lacerated by the sharp ends of yesterdays...

is that a good or a bad thing?

a medicine that i deem sweet...
has turned sour and choking me upon its taste....

is that a good or a bad thing?

sigh...
need a hug...
anyone?

qn!

i have got a qn...or isit...i have got a qn?

getting into a relationship...
kena love ke?
tak bleh suker/infatuated/gemar/fond then get into relationship and then see how things go?
tak bleh ke?

kena love ke????!!!!????
grr...

...

tired....
tired....
tired....
tired....

nauseous...
tired...
groggy...

i need a hug...
anyone?
kish?

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Intelligence
In a survival situation, you:	Act crazy as a diversion
Your hidden talent is:	Endurance
Your gift is:	Athletic ability
In groups, you:	Feel uncomfortable
Your best quality is:	Your sensuality
Your weakness is:	Being predictable
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

...mellow...

there are so many questions left unanswered. I have means and ways to dig my way through into obtaining those answers, but the female ego halts me from proceeding. the conscience whispers," retribution comes back at you 3 times fold..."

a qn:
u fil good...but then the odds are against you. and the largest possibility is: you'll be made use of...so what do you do? investigate? what if things come back at you? so...leave it alone? then, you'll be beckoning the uninvited to stay? so...how?

so many what if's...so many uncertainties...
sigh...

i was told to do this...

You sincerely believe that everything around you is beautiful, even though other people may not notice. (and people always step on mah head~!!!)

You are a determined person and set high goals for your life. (yah-yah-yah...tell me something new~!)

You are always wilful and most of the time, you are a stubborn person. (*giggleZ*)

But you love to work and are quite honest, which makes you good to get along with as a friend or lover. (see...I am an honest person aren't i? Hmmpphhh...)

You are tough, hard-working and responsible. When you are assigned to do something, you will do your best no matter how difficult the job at hand might be. (yeah betol? yeah betol agaknyer...heh...)

You are logical, smart and inventive. (woohoo~!!!)

Sometimes you are too cold and selfish. (dun people always tell me this...grr...)

kudos to me D~...
buwek~!!!

Apa yang mengeruhkan hati dan jiwaku?....
Uncertainties...the blanks...

...pamperS...

as they have said: how u go about doing things in the very beginning sets the momentum for the rest of the project. thus, if u pamper someone so much in the very beginning, the person would expect to be pampered as such through-out the 'project'. " as much has been given, much will be expected..."

so, if u do not pamper at all in the very beginning, the need to be pacified always will not be there. right? right...should be right ah...

i hope it is right...hopefully...entah~

sembarang ah...
sembarang~

...sigh...

record-breaking that i pushed 3 people away...

record breaking that these people choose to propose and i rejected and they just run away. dun understand why they cannot remain as just friends. kena get hook up ke?

making a good base, where u make ur foundations as frens good and stable, cannot remain as frens-base je ke? must go to the next level?

then, being the cynical I, I would slam back at you with the question: you speculated in befriending me as merely frens for now JUST so to build to the next level? Though you are aware of my true intention to just be ONLY frens, you befriended I in the hope that you could get together with me one fine day? Manipulative? Or is that just life?

Sad...three people in a row...in a day...sigh...giler~

takings risks? *smurk* yah d...taken...backfired...taking again...sigh...duno...
we c how ah...we c how...

tired...

...*blur*...

have you ever got urself in a position where you really want to say yes...quite sure...but was hesitant because of your past? sigh...

and then abg-faizal knocked something into me: "why not? since u're comfortable...why not? dun think too much, just do..."

do? or do not? is the qn....

......

every night, there is business to attend to...
things to settle...
deals to clinch...
businessMEN to sit and talk to...
sigh~

the jitters just dun do it anymore...
now i am ultra scared already...
sigh~

...raw deal...

*shrugs*

tired...tired of a raw deal unclinched...tired of the proposal of a raw deal, yet unclinched...tired of dodging and running and following and still unclinched...tired of fiddling with the possibilities of a clinch...and yet would remain unclinched...tired...

just tired of a raw deal turn bad...

.:bring me down:.

and yet another one stamps his intention onto me...a subtle stand: to chase...

sigh...do i look like i am to be many people's object to conquer and have? sigh...i really just want to be friends...

is it important to go out and chill? is it important to have the other person's number? is it important to know that person personally through calls and sms's? why can't we just go the traditional way where we stick to just on the basis of: keeping in contact~ be it through sticky notes??

orang tamak selalu rugi~ selalu rugi~
sigh...

dun scare me...pls...dun~

...blunt...bland?...

I, the blunt, is bland when it comes to the macabre...the unexplained...the plaguing...the mind-stirrer...the sadness...the depression....I , the sharp-tongued, has turned mild when it comes to the related matters as well. i become stumped at the basis of emotional related matters. as they say, once u get the hang of it, things just fall into place...I, the wit, turn dumb-founded when things just turn slightly disarray...

i think loneliness has a hefty value tagged to it...there are those who goes in and out of relationships so fast. I could not understand how they can allow their hearts go through such burden: make their hearts break and pained over and over again...how could they do that? they could afford doing such things. tak sakit ke? tak penat nangis ke? tak penat otak tu fikirkan the other half? tak penat main kenakan-dia-kenakan-aku kinda games...tak penat? fun? tak berat ke?

siapakah merebut seri cinta
waktu aku buka jendela
di keheningan pagi indah
siapa sejambak mawar merah harum di kamar hatimu
hingga diriku disingkirkan

...:::...

.:
Oh mengapa...

kemana hilang janji dan sumpah setia
kemana tumpah selaut harum kasturi
ataukah mungkin kau terulang kembali
asyiknya cinta bagai dulu atau serapuhnya mimpi yang ku lampaui

semakin ingin aku lupakan dan...
semakin bayang wajahmu kan menjelma
di manakah puncanya derita
ku sendiri tidak pasti sayang

siapakah merebut seri cinta
waktu aku buka jendela
di keheningan pagi indah
siapa sejambak mawar merah harum di kamar hatimu
hingga diriku disingkirkan
:.

who? whom? why does my heart pine for him? long for him? my mind circulates about the thoughts of you...did u give me hope? yes...did u sweep me off my feet? yes...did i like what i see? yes... was i swooned? yes... did he fill the criterions that i have of a good partner? yes... did he leave me? yes...

why do i still pine though...
why?
when i am left alone, i miss him...
when i am left alone, and open my msn, i could not help but to hope that he would be there...

a: dun give me hope...hope is a dangerous thing...
b: but it is just as sweet baby...just as sweet...
a: dun break my heart...
b: am not going to...i promise...

but my heart is broken...
*tearing*

*smurk*

*shrugs*
*teleng kepala to the left*
....hmmm...
*teleng kepala to the right*
....hmmm...
*smurk*
*thinking face*

is it so hard to find a good conversationalist? someone who can sit by your side and have a good decent talk...not arguments...nor discussions...just a good neutral conversation...is it so hard?

*tap pen on the table*

i walk around with a heavy heart...very tired also...but then again, have to learn to walk...dragging la...dragging~
people whom i was swooned by...people like aziz...kaz...sigh...gone...
wondered how they can sweep me off my feet with their intellect and then disappear...they come and leave so fast...
*shrugs*

mungkin~

...mellow~...

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