...sleepy...

headache....
argh~!!!!
keep having the urat on my neck getting tensioned...
why ah?

...

weary...
tired...
malas...
giler...

i am all of the above...

lyrics....
songs...
beats...
attendance...

same cycle again?

wana step over to the next round...
can?
pweash...

...talk...

can we talk?
can we not resort to unorthodox methods in you intervening?
can we sit side by side and talk?
can you hit me with things in person?
can we talk?

i assume you do have/know ways on how to contact me personally...
well, i might be wrong though and i apologise if i am...

can we talk and settle any bad feelings you have against/for/because of me?

can we...?

*SmileZ*

...*yawnZ*...

*groggy*
ngantuk giler~!!!
gara-gara gara-gara...
heh...

hmm..

i guess u still dont want to admit defeat. well 2 can play this game. good luck.

btw, my new blog is macabre-perturbed.

this is my personal one. *smiles*

...helpless...

i use to have a dream...where i would bask under the sun while sitting on a stone...as the wind would softly blow against my face...with the hum of nature surrounding me...the pasture is pastel...soft to the colours of sand and sea...the serenity is luscious...with only the wash of waves upon the the sands and the trickles of slight drizzle to maintain the present temperature...i was clad in a simple sundress and just basking in the sun...just basking...alone...

i have a dream so nice and sweet...tinged with peace...why is it my life is filled with turmoil and complexities? someone told me before that life is made out the way you want it to be...sigh...

someone dear hit me with a statement,"kalo dia nak, dia nanti carik kau..." i guess i have hung the white flag yesterday...i am tired...

my heart can only take so much...my mind can only take so much...i am made with limited capacity for storage...help me please...i stare at the pictures i found so pleasant...and my heart aches that it was short-lived...sigh~ just because i am a gerl...just because she is distrustful...just because...nvm...ain't my rezki to start with...

then why am i met with such people?
i am lured with such a succulent bait only to be left salivating upon its loss?
sigh...

sigh...
if another person's gf call me again, i am going to swear off my hp...
sigh...

...spied...

leaving the blog stagnant to close to 3 weeks? hmm...quite an achievement i guess...condemned due to my thoughts? stamped to the ground due to my views?...hmmm...to each his own...everything is relative i guess...having faith in itself is already a benchmark of being aware that there is always someone who is either greater or lesser than you are...to even be hallucinated with the illusion that one stand best is an indication of either faith has gone haywire or one is wallowed in blasphemy...i may be wrong though...*smiles*

words can only express so much. the rest are left to be judged by the people who heard or read it...a certain picture can be deciphered a thousand different ways by a mere few who studies it at the same time. so what makes one thinks that your perception of a certain statement is equivalent to the message the writer was trying to send out to public? hmmm...hearsay...persay...literature, in itself, is open to a hundred different views provided that the person deciphering it could explain his/her stand...i may be wrong though...*smiles*

a governing entity? Hark~! authoratative? Hark~! when man does the same thing, he is saluted as being someone who is able to put things in control. when a lady does the same thing, she is labeled as being eluded by being self-absorbed and dictator-like. Funny~ well...i may be wrong though...*smiles*

everyone is weak. a matter of how one goes around the weakness and makes the best of the situation that one is in. but, a pity, if a person makes an analysis when, probably, the person has a personal agenda against the writer...sigh~ wat can i say...a personal attack? hmm...i may be wrong though...*smiles*

anyways, i'm back? i am back i guess...color my blog if u must or will...it is open to criticisms...if that makes you happy, go on doing it then...

thank you for your colourful criticisms...
thank you for being affected...
thank you for judging me...
thank you for displaying my passwords...
thank you for making the effort...
thank you...
whoever you are...

*SmileZ*

another bubble burst...
and i am crying again...
someone's gf called me today...sigh...my heart dropped...

when i stepped on the sejadah and put my forehead against the tip of it, i seek guidance from HIM, to lead me to the right path and to show me what is right...and i am shown such...my bubble burst and there goes my heart too...

good people finished last? i am always last~ help~! i am crying my hearts out again~!!! my heart can only take so much...D~ help!!! *crying*

why?
*look down*
*head throbbing*
*crying*
*tears flowing*

Bila emosi mengalahkan logika, terbuktikan banyakan ruginya. Benarkan?

why do i shudder at the thought of sitting infront of you? why do i shudder at the idea of sitting near you knowing that the warmth of your skin could be felt near me? why do i flutter at the thought of your eyes staring into mine? why do i even shiver at the thought of you being near me and talking to me in a conversation?

and why do i fear when i am aware of a chance of all that is to be fulfilled? and why do i fear of the possibility that all those would be near? and why does my heart race at the thoughts of you?

why does my heart and mind replay the dramas of yesterday? why do i question the very essence that made all contacts possible? why do i question at the strike of many things that has happened during the trip? i went on the trip with the intention to free-load my burden off somewhere...the abyss of no-return...but, why do i return to singapore with another baggage that i accidentally carried home...

and now that i am on my homeground, why do i shy at the presence of you? why do i just look at you with silence, even i, am besieged by such a trigger? i hide behind and rather be entrapped by the crowd...let me study you and be awed by you...rather than you be awed by I...let me swallowed and embraced by my infatuation of you rather than i be aware that it was never reciprocated. your actions defy words...i see something in your eyes...i see something there...but i also see rigidity...i also see you withholding something...i see you holding back...

i was mixed with either to cry or smile at the sight of you. undoubtedly, my heart was elated by your smile...i saw softness in your eyes...but i was also crying, knowing that there would never be a pursue...the chemistry ends there...when we parted infront of golden mile...how could such a good thing end so fast? and now i question why does God bait me with such a succulent lure when he intends to have me salivate for a lifetime due to a lost cause...

why?

and they say i should be contented by the fact that the paths had crossed once...and i would rebutt with the question of purpose...why? what do i have to learn from all these? all i am aware of are the tears that is driving me half-mad and ranting every night...why? the name whispers in my ears...i am obsessed? no...an eclipse comes every once in a while...but to come across a person who sparks the chemistry in you and just fall into the same zone of comforts and level of frequency is a rare-find. sometimes, they never meet such people at all...and i have...and i am sad...cos he is not here to stay...sigh~

what can i do?
men prefer to chase than to be chased...
i shall leave my fate to the dice of uncertainty...
have faith?
faith left me at the doorstep and slammed me with bad luck a long time ago...
i am crippled...

things happened for a reason dun they? and i do not quite comprehend how i am met with such wonderful guys and not meant to be by their side at all? i do not understand how the both of us could have such overwhelming amount of chemistry and yet not end up together?

zul-ikhmal? sigh...kenapalah our paths are crossed and my heart is slightly condoned to your direction...why does my heart soften at the sight of you? infatuation? crush? why do i keep quiet at the very presence of you...and the end of the trip, i harboured silent tears in me?

advances? sigh...i was not advancing towards anything... why? my heart dropped when things went astray...when people started teasing...why? i saw ur eyes staring at me, studying me when they used the 'urut-fact' as a tease...i saw ur eyes moved my way when i walked away in a huff...i saw...i could not say anything...i could only do so much...and the rest would be in your hands...i am sad...

my heart can only take so much...the world is so small...and yet too big to be explored...and my heart is only of a certain capacity...and it can only take so much heartbreaks and hurt...why does God always razed the heart with such unreached reality and hope? why does he always put me in the field and make me meet all these people with such good stature?

why is my heart always being put out there...things happened for a reason and i am again looking for a concrete reason to make me understand why things happened the way it did...

while women can close an eye when men folly...men cannot find in their heart to forgive when a woman err. funny ain't it? we are being chucked aside the moment, the immediate moment, the expectations are note even infinitesimally seems to be reached. sigh~ funny...funny....

i am tired...
going travelling soon...

my mind lingers upon thoughts of him...funny...since the beginning of anak melayu...i keep seeing his pic...there seems to be something surrounding him...i like what i see...but then again, being me, i will always bog myself down with reality...sigh~

duno...c how...c how...
i say that to him...and he says that to me...bagus lah tu...
sigh~

thou art lost and gone forever...

i am crying...again...

when i like someone, i guess they are always taboo-ed to disappear. guess this mohammad sali irwandy is bound to disappear soon enough. sigh~ susah kan jadi orang yang di-cap suih nie...everything just does not go the way i want it to be...

dun be clingy...
people might not like it...shall resort to keeping quiet i guess...

dun selalu mencarik...
i dun have a right to ask...i dun have a right to seek...shall resort to keeping quiet i guess...

just wait for the handphone to beep i guess...
wait~
it would not beep anymore...
saperlah aku...

sigh~

been thinking...

funny that the person that i am having a crush on is someone who happens to make me think.

he has a very pleasant face. a face that can never make me angry with him. nice to the eyes. it soothes my heart to see his face. the kind of face that i would personally find it hard to be angry at.

nice smile. not the typical boy-next-door good looking guy. but, nice smile. just enough to make me smile each time i set my eyes on him.

nice voice on the phone. the kind of voice that could my heart leap for joy each time we converse.

a sound mind. the kind of person that could sit and converse with me. an open person; i hope. so far he has been okie. just dun want to ruin this. whatever 'this' is...i do not want to strain anything. just go with the flow kind of thing. i like him. i do...do not know for sure whether it is for more...or going to just stay stagnant. have no idea...

nice size...the type of size that i would love to hug. snug~ mampat...sigh~

if it is meant to be yours, it would eventually would be yours. dun have to push for it. neither do you have to pine for it. just play it...go with the flow kind of thing...*smiles* do not know what it all really means...but it seems logical enough to be accepted as a reason to hold on...

i accepted the challenge to know him and i shall. i have no idea why i am actually infatuated by him. there is something about him that intrigues me. something i could not put a finger to and pinpoint downrightly why i am spurred to know him more. it seems that there is more gold in him than there is in most men i see or met or talked to. time is a factor that could unravel what he has hidden in him. and it is quite a feat today to sit under the void deck for almost three hours, while he tries to unravel me and tries to get to know me more. it is a wonder that he could and would make the effort to try to know who i am. he tries to piece out together how i am. hmmm...funny...

i am not trying to pick his vices...so far, i have no qualms. i give...and i take whatever that is given. and from there, i am sincere in my actions. somehow, when i speak, i seem to be at my most comfortable. we are actually talking. i find intriguing...i find him hard to nab as well...well, in this kind of matter, he is a hard nut to crack. *sigh* i think it is a long process to unravel him...slowly...

wag the dog...
rock the wagon slowly...
open yourself...
be sincere...
give whatever that is within your capacity...

....

*tepuk dahi*
orang terasa eh????
haiyah....
kenapalah bleh terasa....

never mind...

~another issue~
lost~!!!!
thou art lost and gone forever~

...use to say...

"...we use to see in the same eye and face the same goal...realizing and having faith that one day, the dream would come true...but then again, over the years, we just dun see it anymore...not in the same eye..."
.:true...so true:.

"...the only difference that would be, when i am attached is: nothing. it is just that i am with someone. we can still see each other like last time...travel and all...dun wori...him being here will not impose changes to anything...".:and i'll slap this in ur face if i could find the heart to:.

"...yah-yah...if he ever tries to curb my freedom, i'd fight. he just chose the wrong gerl to be with...he forgot that i ain't the type to go 'yes sir' or 'no sir'...".:er....excuse me miss...are you not doing that already?:.

"...i wana win some more...nanak slow down...".:again~ excuse me??? did i hear you right?:.

yah...funny that i lived life trying to not have expectations tagged to my frens. hark~ but they do expect of me. and when i learn to expect, just applying what they have done unto me, they back-face me. funny...it is okie...in times of need, you will realize who your friends are...hark~ thanks i toast to the old...

that's why i chose to let loose my kite lines...guess i will do that again...
and as good as i had been with my 'predictions', here is another....the name PUTERI would die with the glory of Kumpulan Wanita Terbaik...*muktamad*

probs? yah...probs~

i might the only one who seem to still be in lurve with my group. the only one who is constantly thinking about HER. Perdana is coming...and honestly, i did not even got a whiff of it. Either people dun care or just indulging themselves in their newly found priorities...nvm...life is as such...

someone has withdrawal symptoms...okie...stay withdrawn...shall not touch you. take ur time to bounce back then. let perdana pass. well, selfish of me to call you back when u want to stay in ur shell. stay there...
someone has other commitments FOR future commitments. well, stay there too. shall not pull u back.
well, people have OTHER priorities. it is okie.

shall be the only one who seems to be still full of HER then...
'biler?' u asked me...

nvm...
stay there...
static...
never mind...
the wins can be used as perhiasan ajer...
biar~

yah-yah-yah...
this entry of mine sounds selfish...
nvm...
biar~

...pain...

carried a tall cd-ful cd-rack...and the rack slipped from my arms and sui-sui fell on my left toe...
paining many-many...

then, 5 hours later...kena BIG hug by hamzah...he accidentally stepped on my paining little left toe...
yah...a full 114kg of him....

*ish*

...the end is the beginning....

exams dah habis tepat pada jam tiga setengah tadik...
i fear many things coming at me...
another 'letak niat' lagi...sigh....do heavy...so difficult...sigh...

shrugs

hungry...
dun fil like eating...
tired....
dun fil like going home...
suggestions?

...lucrative perceptions...

can perceptions bring you joy? can perceptions, that seem to justify ur principles and stands in life, bring you infinite happiness? what if ur own perceptions and stands are not and will not be accepted by the ONE that you open your heart to? u compromise?

i do not see myself being able to compromise any of my stands to make room for the one i love. though i can try to make end's meet, but i am not willing to bring things any lower. but then again, the issue of I going through that one on one relationship with a particular ONE has not been raised. well, it has not been met. I have numerous relationships with friends. but such friendships are not much compared to one committed relationship with a special someone. i fear that the one my heart encompasses me to, is the one who would not able to accept me for who i REALLY am....

i am complex...
i am complicated...
i am vindictive...
i am manipulative...
but all these are all in the mind and heart....
i am good...
i am simple...
i am well-contented...
i am not high-maintenance....
but does all that enlighten me as a person?

someone mentioned before that i am a difficult woman to handle. i have rebutted with a statement: in what sense? and he could never put a finger to what was so difficult about me...

i am a person who is hard...
i am a person who is not to be messed with...
i know what i want but i am just not getting it....
but someone mentioned to lower down my standards...
i have principles...hard ones...
i have stands...firm ones...
can he stand this?

sigh...duno why...
my heart is encompassed to one...
but when i like someone...i seem to put up this defensive wall....
when i like someone and am ready...they seem to always find me not good enough...

why?
*sigh*

demons

it is a wonder how volatile i could be. funny how different people brings out different character in you. how one could make you so defensive...how another could make you laugh and highlight the clown out from you and how another just keeps irritating you no matter the nice things that he does. is dat a good thing or a bad thing? i remembered what someone had told me before..." and God shall stay away the bad stuffs from you and shall keep the good ones come to you slowly...in due time...in due time..."

for years i have used that as a stand to lean on; to learn to be patient and more tolerant of the uncertainties that the realistic stage has uncurtained for me. sometimes, i would shudder and ball myself to a corner due to fear as all that comes are all too similar to the past...dun punish others just because of your past...true...i could and would not agree more. but, i have one theory at bay that contradicts this line:...

the past is what makes u presently. the past is the base for the future. well, if the past makes you, we should keep it as a lesson learnt and an experience to trumph over the possibilities of it re-happening. thus, my question is: if you see something similar, in relative to the past, do you (1) use the past as a placebo and indulge urself in the situation and expose yourself to it might happen again...re-immerse urself in the cruel cylical cruelty that the world is already surrounded...or (2) you run...never to meet the situation @all and seek a totally new situation to deal with...a whole new set of problems...it would encolor your life though....

hence, if i were to choose (1), i'd be punishing myself by being in the same situation again. maybe,subconsciously, trying to re-do the past in the future and maybe have a better night knowing that i did something different to a totally similar situation BUT it is just that it is in the present. if i were to choose (2), i'd be punishing the other party wouldn't i?

cannot really stand by the stand dun punish others because of your past...it would cut either ways...but then again, as how i see things...it cuts both ways...it is a question of how deep that's all...

*weak smiles*

...ponders...

i am whom they label as cold....
i am whom they label as hard...
i am whom they say that steer the car to crash and slam...
i am whom they say tears their hearts to pieces....
i am whom they say pierces their minds with sarcasm...
i am whom they say filled their souls with masochism...

but then again...
i am whom i would say is the beget of yesteryears burdens...
hunched-back I with the loads of yesterdays....

' let it go' some say...but they are also those who are haunted by their past demons...
i am haunted by my demonS...wait...they wring me alive~!!!...
i am constantly rewounded and torn by the past...
sometimes, it just relapses and leaves me stiff with bad jolts of past fears and feelings...
u noe, the feeling of plunge when u are on a roller-coaster ride and the train is going down a steep gradient...the feeling of uncertainty...

' have never gotten what i want ' for once...i want that one...that ONE...let me have it...please....
*look down*
*sniff-sniff*
takkan dapat lah...no use fretting and ranting...will never get...
always at a losing end...
can do NO WRONG...

go figure...