...closing...

the world is closing in...
dun fil secure with this blog no more.

Qn:
do i trust the people who read my blog?
i guess i might trust them cos i linked them?...
*smiles*

luv ya peeps...
sigh...and who loves me?

.:dip it low:.

Says he wants you
He says he needs you
It's real talk then why not make him wait for you
If he really wants you
If he really needs you
Take your time and feel him out
When he's a good boy
Why not let him lay with you when you give it to him good

Dip it low
Pick it up slow
Roll it all around poke it out
Let your back roll
Pop that thang
I'ma show you how to make your man say "oooo"

You Gettin bold
He's growin cold
It's just the symptoms of young love
Growin' old
You think it's time
and you thinkin, but give it time
It's late at night
He's coming home
Meet him at the door with nothin' on
Take him by the hand
Let him know what's on
If you understand me

reminiscence...

i feel a throbbing sting on my right hand...i look down, only to realise that my hand has a deep cut...it is actually bleeding...not with neverending flow of blood...it is those kind of bleed that when u wipe off the first clot, it will just slowly flow and gather there to dry...u know what i mean...oh well...funny that i did not even realise that it was there...

****

4 years ago today, i guess i must be filled with butterflies...anticipating the upcoming start of a new school...

3 years ago ago today, i guess i was still crying my hearts out for the lost of someone that i have come to love...

2 years ago today, i guess i was having the crisis of my life, involving many people at the same time...*sigh*

a year ago today, i was having stress over the upcoming changi simei competition...

and today, i am again having thoughts for the upcoming competition...alahai...

of cos, i do not deny the fact that there are many in-betweens that have happened...too many to describe and note down...well, what does the future has written for me to uncover...*rub chin*

Fell in love with a boy
I fell in love once and almost completely
He's in love with the world
And sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
He turns and says, "Are you alright?"
Oh, I must be fine cause my heart's still beating
Come and kiss me by the riverside,
Sarah says it's cool, she don't consider it cheating

Oooh ooh ooh [x4]

Red hair with a curl
Mellow roll for the flavor and the eyes were peepin
Can't keep away from the boy
The two sides of my brain need to have a meeting
Can't think of anything to do
My left brain knows all of love is fleeting
He's just lookin for somethin new
I said it once before but it bears repeating

Don't go telling all my
Don't go telling all my
Don't go telling all my lies on Sarah

Gonna tell you what's on my mind
I'm gonna tell you what's on my mind
Cause it bears repeating

silent lucidity

silent the lucid...
enpure my heart~
sigh~ why ah? intentions have to be corrected...kenapa ah~ kenapa la!!!!!!!!!

internet has its sources of 'ears'...blardyfucks~

...miss independent?...

A: it is inappropriate of me to ask...
B: i have actually been waiting for you to ask...you were brought out without proper guidance...
A: i need to know what the basics are...i got lost...for 4 times...i need to know what is real and what is not...i need help...
B: i cannot tell you everything in a day...
--------------------

things happened for a reason does it not? hmmm...we will see whether my move for this battle proves to be correct or not...

help me~
wish me luck...
need loads of it...

...qn~...

looks matter?
spot short hair got matter?
the inners got change meh?

i challenge the norm...
and i want to see what people have to say...
----------------

i have a crush on someone. been eyeing him for a long time...but i dun see any possibilities happening...how?

.:i'm forever yours:.

*i'm forever yours...faithfully*

i am?
alahai...
*berfday kiss*
"mak, anak orang lain bila dah masuk 23, ada yang dah kawin. ada tengah sarat...anak mak ni satu masih blum habis sekolah...matair pun takda...ambisi nak own superfour...nak jadi diver...nampak-nampaknyer, tak kawin la aidah..."

she smiled and said," takpelah...mak tak kisa..."

alahai...
--------------------

all i wana do is to make my parents happy. biarlah aku kebuluran asalkan dorang kenyang. let me shed tears of blood as long as there are smiles on their faces always. alahai...susah ke?

*i'm forever yours...faithfully*
i promised...

.:burstday:.

the clock struck twelve and the first wish came...
A: wats the date today?
B: er...23rd?
A:*silence* wat was the date yesterday?
B: er...22nd?
A: is there anything going on today? any special day?
B: there is?
*grinZ*

B: wait-wait ah...wait...got call...
C: hello...
B: hie~
C: Panjang umurnya~ (singing) *cair~!*
B: i am blushing u noe...
C: ...panjang umurnya... (laffs)
B: tenkiu...
*smiles*

.:session sms:.
B: i c ya on msn?
A: okie~!!!
B: awrytes~!
~invite to conference chat~
B & D: HEPPI BURSTDAY!!!!~
D: jari aku terpelicuk ah...HEPI BURFDAY~!!!
B: Love many2...hug many2...kish many2...
*winkZ*
--------------------------

slept...mosquitoes feasted on me...grr...the whole night...awoke with a splitting headache. parents went jb. i had to cook my own lasagne. finished cooking @4+. everything finished baking @530. had dinner with an ol gerlfren...met someone (he luks exceptionally good~ i wonder why~)...then walked back...

simple...
fulfilling...
tiring...

last word for burfday self: i cannot believe the mosquitoes feasted on me ON MY BURFDAY~!!!! *bleargh*

...we are...

...just a speck on the dusty highway of life...
...insignificant in the eyes of the world...

as what my fren had mentioned before: in relative to the number of people that truly exist in the world, u being u divided by that total number is equal to an infinitesimal approximation to zero. thus, u are actually equivalent to nothing...non-existent...so, the question: what makes u think you are so important in the world?

thus Achilles had mentioned,"...i want to be remembered..."

and men spend their time in life trying to chase after what would pin their names to the winds...hoping that their names would be whispered forever...

*nought's had all's spent*

...*cross-eyed*...

argh~
giler!~

sewel~!!!
penat~

fil that there is something missing in my life...
fil tired to do the old stuff...
looking for a new adventure....

have this huge feeling that i would not be in singapore for a very long time in the future...probably be away constantly...why do i have this gnawing strong throbbing feeling in me?

...aral~...

biler hadirnya terlalu banyak rintangan...
nan menghalang
aral yang melintang

*Z*ealous
*U*ndoutedly always making me laugh
*L*anky
-
*I*ntelligent
*K*ool...always...
*M*alleable
*A*miable
*L*ovely...just lovely...

biler hadirnya terlalu banyak aral...
*semakin ingin aku lupakan...dan semakin bayang wajahmu kan menjelma...*
*siapakah merebut seri cinta waktu aku buka jendela di keheningan pagi indah...siapakah sejambak mawar merah harum di kamar hatimu hingga diriku disingkirkan*
*kerut senja di kaki malam menghilangkan warna lalang...dan cinta kini bagaikan berkasihan mimpi*

*weak smiles*

...hmm...

i remembered someone said," biler kalah, they cry and raise the question why-why-why non-stop...biler menang, they cry and raise the question 'why not us' non stop..."

and i see and hear that happening...people are going around questioning why the rezeki is written in our history books. can't u just accept and embrace it without questioning the motive of the organizers...can't u just DUN dig and scour for reasons? is it not better to be immersed in ignorance?

ignorance IS bliss...learn that...
leave the things as it is...learn that...
open a new book and etch new chapters...learn that...
dun hold on to the past and brood...it just gets the going towards the future a little harder...learn that~

idiots i tell u...
i am surrounded by idiots

...rezeki...

...rezeki: keuntungan, perolehan...
semua rezeki...alhamdulillah...*smiles*

have yet another battle to rempuh...Achilles' battalion? against troy? draw up the right strategy and win yet another battle? *sigh*

Dear X-co's...have to think up another strategy...
one more time...one more battle before the war...one more time...

*smiles*
luv you gerls loads...

...why...

why is it when there is an opportunity that comes ur way, there are circumstances that cause you to decline?

tell me why...
why?
dun trust me?
dun trust urself?
curbing the freedom of onebecause u were bounded by not being able to experience such?
why?
or simply...u are afraid to let go?

...i dun ask for much...

the anguish and anger that i kept inside when u lashed me with false accusations. the depression that i carry on my shoulders when i see you doing wrong and i having no power to have a say. the sadness i have when u pinpointed and assumed false stands upon my intentions...the things i do to keep things together...i dun ask much....

for a person who never asked for anything...for a person who works her butts off for the stuff that she has now...for a person who struggled to obtain the things that she has now...for a person who keeps silent of the things that evolves around her and tries to make ends meet without making noise...i dun ask for much...

i sit at the corner and try to weigh all the possibilities...and yet u accused me of being narrow-minded....i sit at the corner and count my days and options...and yet u accuse me of making the wrong choice...i sit at a corner and play my own bought toys...and yet u accuse me of wasting time on non-beneficial hobbies...i dun ask for much...

when i see a good opportunity coming my way, why do you say nay? when i see something i could grab on to and mould myself to be a better person, why do you say nay? when i reallie am keen to pursue, why do you say nay? ...i dun ask for much u noe...

as a matter of fact, i have never asked before...from the day i was borned until now, i have only asked them three times...and for all three times, they said nay...*cry*

1 A
5 B
ain't enough to prove myself?
still i have never asked...
when i do...
when i finally found the courage to ask...they said nay...
*crying*

i give up~

...geleng kepala...

was supposed to puasa. sudden stab of pain on the right,drank hot milo. lega sikit. then got hungry, ate...was okie...

got GOOD news~ ate @swensens~ sat in the car...got car nausea...came to training, went to the toilet and down the food to the sewers...bleargh~!

went to jb...spend time with my african-twin...muakakaka...now feeling nauseuos still...soya bean waiting for me to drink...argh~ am i falling sick?

help~

...blistering bleed...

u know...
when u have a fall, and lacerate ur knee...it hurts...the days past and the body tries to heal...u bend , the wound re-opens and it bleeds...u straighten ur legs and keep it, at least most of the time, that way. it heals...

then...
the white flesh is no longer in sight...it is covered totally in newly-guised skin in the form of pragmented black dried skin...u walk...and then u slip...lacerate again...on the same knee...and the wound re-opens and bleeds...bigger...

consequences...
again...u try to bend...while the body tries to heal...hmm...

eventually...
this time, u run...then u fall and, as like bad karma, u fall on the same knee again...yes-yes-yes...torn again...yes-yes-yes...bleeding again...yes-yes-yes...bigger than ever...u curse...u swear...

the question is:
1)wat shoe were you wearing?
2)how to prevent urself from falling on the same knee?
3)can i just dun walk?

sigh~

...hmm...

eyes opened
mind opened
ear listening

people hammering words, actions and etching impacts...
people come and go~
heart too weak to fall anymore...
facade a look of masculinity?
forcefully submerged the feminity...
revealed to only a certain few

is it that bad?
just want to pursue what was thought to be a fulfilling life
to savour the ever unquenched thirst to try new things...
is it that bad?

to pursue one thing, have to forego another...to balance...
willing to forego...but will probably end up very alone...

time is ticking...
should i look? scour?
stay where i am and wait?
or just pray that maybe, my lost mate, would eventually find me...

*sigh*

alahai...
heh heh...

*tak deng*
asli?
alahai...
haiyah...

...reason...

why do things happened the way it did?
a brief wrong cross-path could alter many things. And it has...altered many athings. I am seeking a reason for why it has happened but i cannot seem to chance upon the reason. sigh... "leave it be" many has said to be...and i am trying to...

when i walk and suddenly the mind is set adrift, i stumbled upon yesterday's memoirs that harboured momentary hope. thoughts and feelings linger and the warm feeling was undoubtedly insinuated...sometimes...it is here to stay... and so i thought...sigh...why ah?

many things are brushed as '...so near...yet so far...'...
many things are left as '...let it go...'...
i am labeled as THAT girl whom many leave, as the one whom would never be brought up a level but would never be left totally...sigh...

why?
the memoirs of yesterday haunt me...
i am seeking for a reason...
help?