...andai...

*when u're angry, the best way is to keep mum*
well, @least, for now it is the best solution for me. Not that angry anymore. Now I am more @the stage where I cannot see him. The heart would have yesterthrobs and yesteraches more than ever. Oh well... Will get over it... Need time...*hate that werd though*

I value my friends. I love my friends very much. Biarlah the whole world is against me...as long as my family and the selected few would stay here by my side...relentless to bring me back to the right path...

Sharlina Muhd Sahak

Suharti Suwarno

Siti Hazlilah Jumali

Nur Shahidah

Nur Azmin Zainal Azman

*u count the number of friends you have, using your fingers, and if they make a fist, then your whole world is complete*

Thank you...

"You had me @hello..."

*smiles*

tired...

so tired....no longer having fever though...

but having this negative fervor...

beginning to look @a particular group of people with such detest and disgust...

my heart burns with anger each time there is a mention of THE group...*snarlZ*

I am trying very hard to keep my fists by my side instead of landing it onto YOUR face. You jolly well are aware that I am more than capable to smudge your face with bruises...

That is how enraged I am...

Maybe further fired by pms...

AH...a woman who is hungry and torpedoed by the hydrogenated-PMS is not a good sign...

*growlZ*

You stay away from my line...

"...she likes to mix with the popular..."

I DO??? where the fuck did he get such a miscontrued mindset...Twisted ass...

Who is the one who is/was living off a girl?

Who is the one who has not been werking eversince the end of NS?

Who is the one onstage, singing less than 10 lines?

While the rest sweat their efforts, u stand there onstage basking under the limelight...WHO?

Who is the one who messed 2 lives by using ur dick as ur government?

And YOU have the audacity to say I bask under the limelight of others' shadow...

Fuck you...

If I am not pulled by so many people that I love...

If I am not governed by the sense of humanity...

If I do not realized that you are just human...though an ass...

I would have ravaged you from head to toe...

*evil grinZ*

not physical draps... but... i would burn you in your own emotional shit...

And I would use your heart as a pin to puncture your fat bloody ass~

Until you are squeezed dry...

I would snake my mind through your heart and make sure you regret ever knowing me...

You do not know me...

Do not try to know me lest I'll bite you...

You HAVE stepped on my line...

It is only time that I exploded...

I am vindictive~

So...

YOU~

Watch your back~

suka?!?!?!?!?!

people love taking my things don't they?
i nicely put my new raincoat on my vespa, to dry...an hour later, i came back, it is gone!!!!!
the pants are there...the jacket is not!
i feel like crying...

yah-yah...
my fault because i left it unattended...
fine!!!
my fault then!

fuck!!!

why do people love taking things i LOVE away from me?
i am feeling the pinch...
be it mental,emotional or physical thing/s....people love taking it away from me!!!!!!!!!

ARGH!
get away from me you bad people!!!

~FUCK!

benci ah!

^goof^

sorry that i have asked.
malas~
don't want to have milo dinosaur.
don't want caramel banana waffle.
don't want anything.
u people have fun on my behalf.
*smileZ*
***

had 'fun' riding in the rain.
heavy rain that is...
never mind...

***
oh yah...
to whomever is concerned, i don't want my blog changed already.
tak payah la. dah malas~

thank you anyways...

considered it done~

A: Good morn. So how long has it been? Anyways, i need a favour from u. Can i have ur address, either workplace or residential?
B: For wat?
A: U will know it la. Can you give it to me?
B: Nopes. =)
A: I did ask you directly. I could have resorted to other means. Are you going to even deny me this?
B: Yes. =)
A: K.
*silence for about 10 mins*
A: sori that i messaged you asking for your address. sori that i intrude your mornin. u have a good day dah

***
aper sajer lah.

***

I was dancing to the rhythm and blues of the throbbing dark tunnel. Filled with stupid unenthusiastic children. Stupid sheep-mental children who seem to dance the same steps repetitively despite the progression of music, genre and tempo. Dumb-asses...

As I swing my hips to the hardcore music, I felt watched. Ecstasied by the hynotizing beat, catalyst by the desperate need to distract myself from the throbbing perturbant, I turned. My eyes scaled up the wall, and settled for a bobbing head that appeared at the top rim of the tall black wall. Clad in white, while talking to his friend, he smiled... Thoughts raced through my mind as I detected familiarity in those white pearls... I gasped... Covered my mouth and immediately turned back to my dancing partner... With my eyes opened wide... I was torn between being happy to see him there, again in a club, and angry, because he is one cutesy that I have difficulty getting over and still trying to get over... My HRC-cutey-pie was there... *sighed*

Funny. Each time I am getting over someone, and I club to sweat the worries out, he is always there. Maybe as a constant reminder that I am deemed to be drowned in such redundant heartpains. *sigh*

~~~

He took the vcr back. Called while I was cleaning my teng-teng.

A: I am going up to get the vcr. U wait ah... *in a soft sorethroaty tone*
B: *hesitate* awak nak saya naik dengan awak?
A: *stop walking, turned to face him* *weak smile* takyahlah... I go up and bring it down...
B: *look @me differently*
A: *turned and slowly walked to the stairs while coughing away*

I could not bring myself to look at him in the eyes. Too disappointed I guess. Faked the smiles...Faked the look. Had to. Did not want to create a scene. Might as well behave. *sigh*

Just sad.

Maybe all these are just dreams. Very soon, I would wake to a whole new world where the past *Oops! the dreams* are merely mind's play during sleep. When you walk while sleeping, it is sleepwalking. When you eat while sleeping, it is sleepeating. When you talk while sleeping, it is sleeptalking. When you live when sleeping, it is called sleepliving?...*smiles* i hae been sleepliving i guess...

Oh well...
Will get over it...
I guess it is more of a HAVE to get over rather than will...
Trying k D's... trying...

thou shalt not falter...
thou shalt not rave...
thou shalt not rant and trumpet thou's intentions...
Make the intended as the unseen and walk away...
***

having a fever though
been 3 days...

please stop~

please go away. can you please stop calling me.
can you please stop judging me.
can you please come and take your vcr away from me.
can you please just go away.

i don't hate you.
i am just disappointed.
as i have said, it is better to get me angry than disappointed.
yah-yah...with expectations, come disappointments.
yes, i do have expectations on and of him. i have such expectations on people i am close to: Ina, Su, Siti, Buchuk just to mention a few. Sayang is the operative word.

never mind la...
just go away.
dun call me.
dun msg me.
i dun owe you an explanation and i dun wana listen to yours.
just come and take your vcr.
and then leave me alone.
i am willing to erase that 6-year old friendship; the emblem of hardwork and effort and time.

yes, i am willing to do so.
to think that you are close to me and you still judge me.
i am sad for you.
ultimately sad for myself as i had actually had faith in us being frens for a long time.
i failed myself for being so naive.
i have failed.
i am ashamed to even face myself.

why am i being so hard on myself?
*sigh*

just leave me alone.
please, take ur vcr and leave me alone.
go away...
i would and could not promise you that i would not feel pain and lonely if you go away.
but that is not the issue kan?
just leave...
please....
i beg you to leave and leave me be...

anyone listening out there?
i am screaming at the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Siti, aku penat ah. Fly me away from here. Can?

Buchuk, aku penat. Teramatlah penat. Aku tengah nangis nie.
'...dia ingat aku tak dengar tau.. dia nangis kat bilik...lap-lap air mata dia kat baju nenek...sebak sekejap aku...'

Su, aku penat sekali. People cannot stop judging me la D. Orang lain, takpe. Si Anuh tu... *sigh* worth it ke? Aku nie jahat nah ke yak orang asyik suka bebual pasal aku. I am imperfect u know. Human, as you and I. *sigh*

Ina!!! I need a shoulder to cry on...

***

sitting in front of a computer terminal, in the school library.
in a booth, on my own.
perturbed. sad lor...
never mind...
will get over it...

just need him to come over and get the vcr...
a burden you know...
a constant reminder...
things that gather dust are always the one that gather the hurt...
make it remain dormant...

hurt~

*toes*
my toes hurt. menginjak banyak sangat, menarikan tarian kegemaran orang lain... bukan tarianku... dipatung dengan tali yang aku ingat kepunyaan aku... tapi bukan...

*legs*
my legs hurt. hurt from leg-starting the teng-teng.
too, it hurts because it ran too fast...it walks too slow...inconsistent velocity...trying to follow the rhythm of what i deemed was worth trying to be alongside...

*hands*
my hands hurt. too much of trying to outstretch it to reach something so far. something i deemed was meant to be mine. trying to reach it and claim it to be mine... but not...

*heart*
this has been hurting and will continuing hurting for a long time. it throbs with yesterpains...and now eaten by today's reality. immersed it in the acidity of contradictions, innate, and truth, helpless... *sigh*

*shoulders*
it hurts too. burdened by what is not mine. the weight of it is making it drop. just cannot throw the burdens away though... cannot outgrow it either... it was put on me without me having any powers to shirk it... *sigh*

*eyes*
it swells upon the pours of yesterdays and nows.
aggravated and invoked; evoked by the laid truth.
*sigh*

*head*
filled with thoughts of you, that i thought was worth having. filled with worries of you, that i thought was justified. filled with misses of you...filled with you...but now, as i have guessed, was mere redundancy. *sigh*

***
A: don't u know that she has a crush of him for the longest time...?
B: huh?
A: yah...
B: why makes u say that?
A: well, why would a girl bake a cake for a guy on his berfday?

***

hati aku sakit ah. having too much faith in people. entah eh~ underlaid intentions are not meant to be revealed kan? i did it purely on the basis of sincerity. did not think much of it after that.

but, i don't deny, a mere 10% would speculate on the possiblities and potential perspectives of what-someone-would-think-of-this. however, having or trying to have faith in that person would automatically erase the speculations. it would, automatically, help me embrace such a thing graciously; make I swallow sincerity as the intended, 100%. hypothetically, i put my heart and the friendship on the line. even if it means that, one fine day, the 'truth' or my mere minute assumptions would be justified or founded...*cross fingers*

it was founded... what i speculated came true...well, came to light... yesterday...

i felt a pang of hurt. well, an overwhelming amount of disappointment. undescribable i guess.

he assumed. he judged. he brought along with him the whole group. yah-yah...brush off what and how people might think of you. but, i simply cannot. he is a close-someone to me...and to think he judged me. *sigh* i really don't know what to say. entah eh~ too painful...

too disappointed. thought he was different. well, he ain't. he assumed an identity, which was different, merely to encover the basic fundamental: superficiality. superficiality is not innate mind u. it is nurtured; invoked and catalyst by the surroundings and the people around u. simply taken on, be it realized or not. it becomes your skin, if u have practiced it for the longest time. sad~

*sigh* i am so disappointed~
things that are happening is definitely putting his faith in me on the line...and i don't feel strongly about this.
*crying*

takpelah... selalu jadi macam ni...
used to it...
Oh well...
not really ah...
but u cannot complain can u?
what is given, take... dun push ur luck kan?
*tearing*

***

~rave~
when you have found one, why do you have to let go of another?
when things get too close, why do people run away for cover?
i cannot get close to your group of friends? not that i did it intentinally though. they came... we cliqued... and we bonded... and we decided to stay... wrong?

can you please stop judging me~
can you please stop thinking i am trying to check on u. i don't have the right to do so, u know.
can you please stop being so insecure. i don't mean to do it. such things are unexplanable.
can you please stop being so weak. i am not that strong either.
can you please stop assuming that i am trying very hard to ensmall the circle so as to force the both of us to get together. my life does not revolve around u, u know.
can you please don't try to get to know me through others' hearsay, persay or eyes. get to know with me. sit with me. give me time.

but then again...
what right do i have of you to owe me such an obligation.
what right do i have of you to beg you to spare me a minute of benefit-of-the-doubt...
what right do i have of you to grant me that little space of faith to believe in me and give me that approval...
what right do i have of you to beg you to stay...
what right do i have of you to try to erase the corrupted and miscontrued mindset that you might have due to the etching of your bestfriend...
what right?
no right...thus, i am nothing in your eyes...

please believe that i am not doing anything...
sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing...
but then again, the worst thing to do is also nothing...
thus, you can do no wrong...
my life's as such~

*crying*

issit so...

*hard*
...to say thank you when it is due.
...to say sorry when you truly have to. would rather be corked by ego than to be put down my mere humility?
...to give a hug so as to coax another person from tearing.
...to kiss just make one feel better.
...to touch...for mere touching...

issit?

to market~

sing with me...

to market...to market...to buy a fat pig~!!!
*laffZ*

is it not true that everyone always see the others as potentials? Not only as a potential in being the other half...but...er...a potential in every aspect la~ in whatever la...
i may see you as my potential gossipmonger...or...u see me as a potential lepak-member... or we see him as a potential rapist... her as a leper... them as perverts...*grinZ*

kan?

Oh well...
a saying is ringing in my head...
"...20 people can see one object...but 20 and more different perspectives can be brewed from these mere 20..."

Better, perhaps, to die in doubt, knowing there's still some revelation still unfound, than to pursue and possess such a wretched uncertainty
*Clive Barker*

plugged~

Met my D today.
*smileZ*
a simple 'where are u?' was enough to get the ball rolling...
*weak smileZ* always have a soft spot for you people...no matter how last minute things are...
***

eh~
entah eh...want to type so many-many...but the ideas tak bleh flow...
how?

never mind...
leave it until tomorrow...

and i love looking into your eyes...
as it never fails to transit me into another realm...
the realm of the unknown....
well, as they have always said...the eyes are the doors to the soul...
is it?

i hardened my heart....
threw the key into the big sea...
and it might be swallowed by the blue whale...
so, where is it now?
*nought's had all's spent*

i doubt that i would find my softlan anytime soon though...
hahaha...
clorox also would and could not do it...
*winkZ*
i will just stay as i am...
worn and weathered...
hehhee...

fragmented thoughts...
just cannot piece them together...
pragmented...
reminds me of the time when someone was chasing after me proposing a hefty 'contract' to 'employ' my voice... *sigh* i could be rich by now...but then again, with illegitimate money... *sigh*
sometimes, to be right, u'll end up poor....but undeniably, less burdensome though... *smileZ*

*raise eyebrow*

everyone wants to have a place to belong...
kan?

it is scary of what extent people are willing to go just to have and maintain that sense of belonging...
kan?

weird...
kan?

*raise eyebrow*
*garuk kepala*

kan?

limbo~

rioting thoughts...i am in a limbo...
rebelling intentions...i am in a limbo...

oust the unintended...
help~
***

bring me out...

Someone has mentioned before that I might be the catalyst that has been missing from many people's lives: I bring out hidden characteristics of people that, in general, might have been mistaken to not exist initially.

why?
how?
I do?

***

I think I am saddling amongst the low of my hills right now. Have been questioning many things that has been going on: why this, why that, how come this, how come that and how did things go to that.

I recalled one of my favourite elders mentioning," Tengok the girl la. Some girls can lure married men as bees to honey and actually make them stay. Seduce them into the idea of divorcing and these men actually abide by it. Some girls, a minority few, have the great ability to lure and seduce and could have more than any girl could have, but, they just would turn their backs and walk away, feeding on their knowledge that they could cause 'disasters' but not have it occuring, and, therefore, leaving the men pacifying on their grief and their never-could-have..."

Thus, my argument for today is: Are our own individuals to be blamed for the plight that we are currently in?

I guess I am. *shrugs*

I remembered someone mentioning to me," You are alone now due to your own self, actually, not wanting to be with anyone. Not that there are no suitors, you push them away subconsciously..." ok-ok...to a certain extent, I agree.

But what about those that I am really interested in. Why did they run away upon close encounters? Someone mentioned," They detect... something. It is undescribable. But they just walk because their inners are ringing to them that this is a never-could-have or a never-should-have." Well, they never respect me enough as a person to even give me a chance? But then again, why should they? Their life is their own to govern. It is too short to think of all those who pass in and out...too short...

Well, I am not talking only of bgr-related issues. I am talking about relationships: be it girl-girl, boi-boi or boi-gerl... *sighZ*...

Life's too short... Play hard? The harder I play, the more asthmatic I get at the burden that seem to overwhelm my shoulders. Maybe, I think too much? But life's too short to not think. Too short to just take things at face-value. Too short to just brush mediocre matters aside as if it never played a part in contributing to my life's direction.

I am selfish. I definitely am. Someone mentioned to me," If u are using 'ignoring' as a method to get rid of someone, then be prepared to be ignored by another potential." Consider it done then. I am being ignored. *sighZ* Sometimes, I sit and wonder what wrong have I done to deserve this. But on the other hand, maybe my-ignored would wonder the same thing. Argh!~ Vicious cycle. That is why I try to stay away from men as far as possible. Too much cruel cycles~ Too much potential retributions.

*sighZ*~ Am I talking sense? *shrugZ* Someone mentioned also," Aidah...stop thinking about this. Redundant." And I replied," True...But it is so hard..."

I use to be wrapped in a ragged piece of cloth that many would pass me by. Now, I am laced with pinkish-gold-ribbons, and still many just pass me by. They are more scared of me now than then. *sighZ* I guess I am a man-eater huh?

I am not governed by low self-esteem. Neither am I killing myself with the existence of no-self-confidence. I have loads of it. I walk with pride and dignity. But, I walk around with ghosts of yesterdays. It haunt and eat me inside. This, in itself, would make me sad. Make me more human I guess. I do not need anyone to slap me with reality as I would do it myself. I see more than I should. I see more than I could actually. Someone mentioned this before," Sometimes, reality is laid before us. It is a matter of wanting to see it. But, most of the time, people do not just for the sole reason that their minds and their hearts does/could not have the capacity to embrace it gracefully. This reason, in itself, is the leading cause of many people in denial. " Well, ignorance is bliss when you choose to lead such a life isn't it? More rose-tinted and less burdensome and less perturbing... *weak smileZ*

Someone mentioned also," Men... Even though they trumpet their openness to intellectual women who could sit down and converse with them as an equal, the bottom line is: they want the upperhand. If they see a potential package, they would try to invest. But then again, if the package prove to be too much for them to handle, in the sense that they could never have the upperhand, most would leave." Why? Ego? *shrugZ* In this modern world...men still use ego as a compass? *sighZ* Maybe it is their only self-defense? Their animalistic fort that could/would/should protect their inners? *sighZ*

Someone mentioned also," You have got to be brave when it comes to these kind of things. How long more would you want to stay in your bubble? Open yourself up and let someone in..." *sighZ* MY fault?

Someone mentioned before also," Women are catching up fast in this modern world. They seem to be more tactical than men themselves. The most surprising thing is: they use mens' best methods on men themselves. The funny thing is: men lose and crumble. " Hark~! What goes around comes around? Women evolve and revolve, I guess, by learning who their enemy is.

"...Put your friends close...But, your enemies closer..." *hug me*

And lastly:

A: I am not patient when it comes to appointments. I make people wait for an hour or more. But if people are late and make me wait, I would give them an allowance time of only 15 mins... If they are not there, I would just walk.
B: *sighZ* What goes around, comes around. What if people do that unto you?
A: So be it... I would give a maximum grace of 15 mins... Thus making sure that such a thing would never happen to me.
B: Then i would say, there would come a lady and she would make you wait for more than an hour... And the most surprising thing is: you would wait without a grumble ... One day... That lady would come... And you would have a taste of your own bitter medicine...
A:*silence*
B: Jangan suka sangat buat pada orang... Biar orang buat pada kita, jangan kita buat pada orang... Tak baik...
A: *silence*

***
and I wonder whether my words got through...
whether it has any weight...
does it?

*shrugZ*

fumble~

...the radio turned itself on upon the strike of the desired alarm...opened my eyes, sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes...stood up, went to the table, reached for the handphone..."hmm...no messages/missed calls from him..."

...lecture finished, reached into the bag, for my handphone...no messages...no missed calls from him... "hmmm..."

...the clock strike 8...was @coffeeshop...checked the handphone...again no messages...no missed calls from him...

the clock strike 830...still @coffeeshop, reached for the cell...still, no messages...no missed calls from him...

the clock strike 9...then 10...then 1030...and now it is 1230...no messages...no missed calls...

as yesterdays...i would wrap myself in my blanket...with the fans' blades turning overhead...i reached for my handphone, for one last peek...for one last hope...for one last sneak...before i sleep...to check whether there is any missed messages that i might have overlooked...to check whether there is any missed calls that i might have accidentally pressed over...the heart dropped to discover, yet again, no messages/missed calls from him...i fumbled my handphone onto the floor and slid it under the bed...as i turned myself to my right and lull my sleep with tears...

~hug me~

***

seharum bunga yang mengundang
sekadar dipandang usah dipuja
kau pasti tak percaya
kasihku bukan untukmu sayang

tiada ku sangka kau sungguh kejam
kau rampas segalanya yang kau dendam
namun takkan bahgia kehidupanmu
bila bunyi bersatu
kau milikku

pulangkan cinta hatiku
hentikanlah menghantuiku
pulangkan oh pulangkanlah padaku
ku pulangkan kesan hidupmu
yang dikau musnah tanpa relaku
dengarkanlah maafkanlah daku
Oh kasih...

tiada kemaafan di sini
kau ragut degupan hatiku ini
akan ku jejakimu kemana jua
hingga akhir masa
sayang...
***

i find myself seeking. i find myself terribly missing. i find myself cannot stop wondering about him. my thoughts linger about him. why? redundancy?

i keep strengthening myself by telling myself that there must be a reason why such things happened. it is just not time yet to know what the reason is...sigh...be patient?
*sigh*
*cry*

it IS definitely BACK~!

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

bade~

" can you stop saying things that are in your head? why do you keep saying things that i cannot?... ... ...and yes, i would dance with you on our wedding day..."

***

Life is as such. Yesterday was therapeutic.
"D...do you know riding is therapeutic? I have decided to walk... Too tired..."

My life is a mess. Well, @least that is how I deemed it to be. What am I to make of it? Answers do not fall on your lap when you simply wish for it. It would always appear when you least expect it...

"D... the possibility of that person disappearing is heart-wrenching. I do not want to participate anymore though anticipation is good. A preventive measure..."

I am tired. I am tired to think of how he is. I am tired to think whether he is okie. I am tired to try to upkeep myself, while engulfing myself in a bubble of false security. Yes, there is nothing. But, why does my heart keep wanting to make it into something? Well, my life has always been the 'never got want i want when i really want it' kind of life. So go figure. Please do not misunderstand. I am contented.

But, sometimes, when most of the things you yearned and pined for are those that you have never ever attained, you will come to a point where you just gave up yearning and pining. Maybe, you will eventually become like me: aim at things/goals/ambitions that can be obtained or maintained without IT talking back.

"...D... i hold a stand that i would not ever fight a losing battle..."

yah-yah...egoistic as it sounds, that is how i govern my life. Hmm...safe yet dangerous...humble yet boastful. oxymorons? hmmm... i AM a walking contradiction...

reel into the uncertainty
immerse me in the shadows of the doubt
love me for who i am
not for what i can never be
*cry*

"...aper sajer je... malas ar nak layan... dun spoil my mood pls..."
*thankZ*

madness is back?

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (52%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (58%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Dear besfwen...

I guess the saying 'distance makes the heart grows fonder' is extremely true. I truly miss my beshfren. I have not seen her, I am referring to a one on one session, with her for almost a month plus. *sigh* Guess you are staying away from me: thinking that I am angry with you. I am not...Well, no more...

You, who has always made my heart bleeds, are always the one that my heart pines for. *sigh* Sometimes, I hear your well-being from others, my heart hurts. *alahai* We have always been having this love-hate-competitive relationship between us. I think that, in itself, makes it special. *smiles*

Sometimes, I rant and rave when I do not get to see you; like a girlfriend trying to evoke unpleasantness to her other half just to get attention and when she finally does get it, she just shuts up. Well, I am that...*grinZ* haiyah...I miss you la D~

There are many things that I keep inside. There are many things that Iwould and have done for you. Sometimes, I feel my shoulder drooping because of the weight but the sight of you makes it all light. Weird ah...Is this what the world would label as 'sayang'? *buwek~!*

Well, my dearest beshfwen...I miss you. Funny that I am always the expressive one and you are more of the do-er than I am. Funny that I am the observant and the thinker. Well, as they say, opposites attract...Hark~!

You dun be notti aye...
Miss you loads...
Eat your medicine...
Have enough sleep pls D~
*hugZ*

bitten?stepped?

*laffZ*

funi that the world tickles my toes. words i display here are mere words...i cannot and will not assure you that they were not tagged with emotions. Oh well...anyways...

for those whom I have 'touched', and you felt bitten...Hark~ *shrugZ* Oh well....

i am a bitch? yey...i guess I am...but i don't go around stealing or leeching upon another's half...i am too egoistic to stoop that low...Oh well....

hold dignity...
hold pride...
always be aware that the sky is high...
and the ground is low...
know where you stand...
quit passing judgments upon me...

u stumble upon my blog and leave a tag...thank you for sparing the time...
be open-minded...
u duno me...
dun think u know me thru my blogs....
u have to know me to know my blog....

life ain't as simple as you think it is...
stop being superficial u idiots~!

***

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore


It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at al
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

...*tarik nafas bebanyak*...

as u grow older, u tend to be stuck with the present circle of frens that u have. Ain't complaining of the circle though...*love u peeps*...but i am complaining of the strain that i am beginning to feel in trying to enwiden the present circle...

u befriend a guy: have a tendency to settle for the normal abnormal mindset like potentially settling into a relationship...*tepuk dahi*...yelah...it IS like that in life...but~ sigh...value the wateva-ship for the sake of wateva je la...
u befriend an attached guy: this spells the evocation of trouble...argh! women...dun get near women like that siglap-south-woman...argh! redundant overwhelming government of jealousy...CRAZY! Well, all women act that way with matters of the heart and of their Man...argh! Get a freaking life...Go feel yaself man~
u befriend a gerl: have a tendency to not remain close at all. Well, women @my age, would usually, be attached already and would be a little bunny revolving, evolving and circulating their lives to their other halves...Oh well...
u befriend an UNattached gerl: well, they are busy looking for men? *laffZ* In actual fact, they are too busy werking and pursuing careers...that is why...remain close...the maintenance is there...so far yet so close...cannot touch very much~ *laffZ*

*leme count...there are only two main species in life kan?*

in other werds, dun enwiden ur circle...
blardy hell...
be a frog...
GGGgggRRRrrrriiibbbbiiiitt~~!!!!

...qn~...

aku ni bahan orang nak jealous eh?
aku tak bleh dekat dengan matahir orang lain eh?
aku ni dilihat sebagai perampas dan peragut matahir orang lain eh?

korang ingat aku nie murah sangat ke...
korang ingat aku nie tak ada maruah diri...takda harga diri...
takda pipi...takda hidung eh...
kau ingat aku nie hidup berjalan tak ingatkan airmuka makbapak aku eh?

do i portray myself as that low and cheap to be leeching onto another person's half?
i can't befriend ur boifrens?
maybe it is my overwhelming charm and that 'magnetic strings' that seem to have the potential to reel ur boifrens to me...den screw ur boifrens ah...i ain't the kind to be pulling/seducing/chasing after another person's boifren...i AM too egoistic to stoop down THAT low...
SLUTS!

if u are already my so-called fren...and u have such a character...
i would tell you...
FUCK OFF~!!!

...reeled...

sometimes, i engulf myself in an abyss of curiosity...i try to swim in the direction that I deem is good for me, but i would always end up pushed or pulled by the strong currents. I'd give up and allow myself to just float...give up...too tired to fight...but now, i feel that i am naturally being pulled in...or am i pulling someone to my side...

as I have always mentioned in all my other entries, there is NO such thing as platonicity. Thus, how can I uphold buddship, which is firmly built on sole platoniticity, when I do not believe in it? Hypocrisy...*shrugS*

there is this eating feeling that i should have THAT talk as soon as possible...I am slowly being reeled in, i am feeling it...and I do admit that that person allows to be pulled by I as well. I see things...*Or am i pushing myself to see things? Hmmm...* I make myself sound ultra crazy...wait~ I am!!! *laffZ*

let's calculate...
1) I am ultra comfortable
2) can talk to and with that person
3) if dun tok, keep thinking about that person...
3) do not want to lose this...

sigh~

theme song...

I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go some place to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late
And I'm alone with you

The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I love you...

^^^
so true...
sad...but so true...
*sigh*

sigh~

A: i am hurting...i cannot even listen to its songs now...hurts too much...
B: u got to give yourself some credit...dun put yourself down too low...buat bodoh je lah dengan orang yang tak nampak...
A: *tearing* *hurting*

***

some people just dun see....
some people are adamant in looking for other wrongs than to indulge and understand their mistake...tergamak...

they have the audacity to pinpoint other peoples' mistakes some more...
shame on you...
understand the value of one-time performance...and let go of what could-have-been...
that one-time, what happened during that one-time, is all that matters....and that one-time portrays alot...

stop being selfish...
U~!!!
yes you~

...familiar~?

And i quote from myself:

Thinking is a beautiful way of expression. In itself, the statement has many underlying meanings. What makes it even more serene is the value of one managing to weight all possibilities, views, perspectives, perceptions, reasons and excuses that might/could/would/should have mushroomed from or due to any experience/situation/happening.

Many athings are tied to one another. The leading cause of a certain problem could be chained by a previous need to action, from a before-situation, and thus auction it to the next preceding happening. And the leading cause of a previous happening could be the invocator for the stumble of another nerve-biting experience.

Never allow one to be driven by emotions. Never belittle others simple by their appearances. Never tagged another person's actions and gauge their sincerity merely by measuring it against your already-molded-and-inbuilt-expectations, which was innate simply by how and why you became the way you are.

THINK~ Things do not fall on your lap simply because IT feels like falling. It either falls because you pull it or you happen to pass by. What you thought was mediocre could be deeper than you think. Thus, think~ Do not just EXPRESS quotes; believe and understand. Do not just hearsay or indulge in persay...

Honestly, one does not need the existence of another to make herself feel special. Believe in the existence of bersyukur...

Thus, I bade you well. Open your eyes. Do not just wonder and immerse yourself in your bubble of rose-tinted thoughts. Do not just dream of possibilities. THINK of possibilities, believe in it and make it happen.
***

*smiles*
*grin*
open your eyes...
and maybe if you know where....
you'll understand why i am smiling evilly to this entry...
have fun~

I~

i am deep...
i always immerse myself in two sides of many athings...
i indulge myself in many strings of possibilities and views...
i dun merely take things from the surface...

maybe i am given something more than just a meticulous mind and an avid need to analyse...
' things happened for a reason '
' you should not take what you see as what u reallie get... there are always things that is chained to it; things that have been swept underneath the carpet... '
' do not do things unto people things that do not want to be done unto you '

you hate me...
YOU bugger off...
you think i think that i am better than you...
YOU're just driven by low self-esteem...
you feel threatened by my mere presence...
YOU're an insecure bitch....
you dun give me everything....
YOU are just afraid of me stepping on you...
hark~

i am vindictive...
i am evil...
for now, the rage of anger is burning in me, so do not step on my line...
i am tired...
so fuck off!

...i am not okie...

everything happens for a reason
***
i am crying. have been crying for the past three days. it hurts.
i am still crying...

to the naked eye, wat happened that day was only a brief mistake. can be swallowed and treated as a lesson learnt. "kalo dah rezeki, aper masalah yang terjadi, kiter akan menjejaki ke peringkat berikutnyer." but...what if the glitch was the conclusion from so many chapters of negligence, arrogance and just pure no-heart...

"...Percaya pada Allah..minta petunjuk.. minta terangkan hati.. kerana setiap keputusan itu datang dari hati.." memang keputusan telah tertulis...memang dah muktamad...the words," sebenarnya i dun want to play..." have been ringing behind my back...not from me...but from...argh~ u noe who u are...

as i have mentioned in the beginning, ikhlaskan hati.... whatever u do and whenever u do it...ikhlaskan hati...bad consequences come if u were to do things with a tinge of non-ikhlas-intentions....and if u scrutinize proper...there are only a certain few who might have not been that...i am not pinpointing...but do think...

well...i dun treat it as a separation...never have. i am angry of many things...not of the point that we did not proceed. that i dun quite give a hoot. but more of the play itself...never mind...dun expect u people to understand it at all.

i am sad...
"harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi"

anyways...at least i know that i managed to snake my way into many peoples' heart that final moment before we went out to stage...my tears and words manage to break the walls of so many of my babies and brought them back to original intended path...thank you....however, when u have got 20 people back in line, ready to march behind u...u lost two...i guess that is where the glitch comes into place...think~

u win some, u lose some...
***

and u people think i am crazy to think so much...
think...
things in life are not as simple as they seem...
u do not just sit and think of yourself...
open your eyes big and observe...

^^^
i plea....please do bugger off...