aper sajer...

*tepuk dahi*
salah ke aku selalu bersua dengan satu orang ajer?
salah ke aku tak dapat turun to another appointment?

kenapa orang sensitive sangat nie?
kenapa orang suker prasangka nie?
kenapa orang suker nah assume nie?
hobi eh? suker?
*tepuk dahi*

It is not that I dislike you. I like you very much and I would love to spend time with you. But, the issue of not having the time and clash of obligations is truly what I am holding on to presently. My life does not evolve around you. Oh well, I think you do not wish for such a condition even. *grinZ*

I will not promise you anything, afraid that I cannot reach up to it.
I will not say anything, afraid that you will use it to shove words into my mouth.
Just wait for the day that we can sit together and have fun again...We will have that coming...soon~

*smileZ*

silent...

i walk around with a dazed mind. The eyes are clouded from yesterdays haze. I am left hanging questioning why people did certain things. Disappointed? Nay. Angry? Nay. Words had been said and things had been done prior my knowledge. That explains the redundancy in the evocation of anger, disappointment, pissed-offness or even madness. Now, I am more adrenalined to stay within my shell and shrug all away...

***

Believe you me, I am not angry at you. Though you have intervened...Though you have reeled him into your abyss of miscontrued and thwarted perceptions of MY worries and thoughts...Though you have drowned him in what you thought was IT...Though you have put him on the six-inched ledge and made him believe in something you thought was true, something you thought was mine...Though you have talked, discussed and laid before him what you should not...Though you have displayed the things you should not...Though you have breached my trust...I am not angry at you. Neither am I disappointed. I am feelingless...reactionless...

M*A*L*L*A*S!!!

I am more driven by the psychedelic thrust to just ignore and give up. There is no use in saying anything because you actually do not understand. There is no use in doing anything because you actually do not understand. There is no use in trying because you actually do not understand. Maybe because you do not have stamina to walk alongside me. I am too fast for you. Maybe I unintentionally camouflaged what should be laid down and labeled concisely and specifically JUST to make you understand. And in that, you automatically made the submersion of what should be and should not and merge all as one...I am too complex for you to unravel. I am too complicated for you to catch up. Too little a time for you to know me and comprehend me... You were too ambitious? I was too naive? *shrugZ*

I do not want to talk to you as I am tired. I do not want to see you as I am tired. Trust me. I am neither angry or disappointed. What has been done cannot be undone. I am just tired. This emotional turmoil is hard to shoulder.

Anyways...
Thank you for leading him into your cave of doubt which has been cobwebbed by uncertainties and lingering doubts. Thank you for relaying MY messenges in the form of YOUR misunderstood, miscontrued, misaligned emergence and thwarted perceptions. Thank you for telling him the things YOU thought were MY messenges. Thank you for getting easily psychoed by him into revealing MY issues in the form of YOUR words. Thank you for doing what you should not.

Concluding...
The only solution for him to fully understand MY messenges is to ask I ONLY. Those are MY messenges... MY issues... Who could relay the messenges more perfectly and more straight to the point apart from I? You are not I.

Go figure...

***

A: orang yang mengelilingi kau asyik menyusahkan kau je...kenapa?
B: i did not say that. Those are not my words.
A: yar... I am saying that... That is what i see... Cian kau...
B: again... I did not say that. I truly have no comments to that....
A: *look @me silently*

*shrugZ*
I am not going to say anything. Malas. I am not going to do anything. Malas. What is the use of saying anything when you know that such things are redundant. The purpose of talking is to get across a messenge, no matter whether the person agrees or disagrees. The bottom line is: the correct messenge has to be relayed. The relayed must fully understand the purpose of the messenge, why such a messenge was brewed, how it was evoked and eventually what the relayee wants out of relaying the messenge to the relayed. Thus, the only succesful relay can be done in the form of the RELAYEE and the RELAYED only. Consensus can only be done between them. Strictly between them.

Any intervention or branched relays, NOT from the RELAYEE, might result in the miscommunications and the unintentional erase of certain important specks of messenges. Usually the intervention is done based upon the network of redundant worries and heartache evoked by the BRANCHES' total redundant inquisitiveness or their self-proclaimed loyalties as friends. Either ways, being concerned of both the RELAYED and the RELAYEE's well-being is their only defense.

Such a defense can be used. But, it does not minus the fact that such defense is totally weak. The fort can be bouldered down easily by the fact that the BRANCHES should just leave the situation to time. Give time, take time...Time heals all wounds...Either the BRANCHES do not have the patience...Or they do not trust and do not have faith in the RELAYEE's capabilities in being able to deal with the problem on his/her own...Hark!

On a personal note, as a RELAYEE whose path has been blocked by the redundant existence of the network of BRANCHES, I still do feel the non-contributions from them would just leave things as it is. Stagnant. It would be the best. Messenges would not be mis-relayed. Messenges would not be miscontrued. Things would be left untouched. If meant to be touched or solved, it should strictly be within the comfort zone of the RELAYEE and the RELAYED only.

But then again, has these BRANCHES been matured and intelligent enough to think of the consequences of their doing BEFORE they actually actioned it? There is a fine line separating the impulsive and irrational from the matured, rational and a refined strategist. That is to be able to think of the possible consequences from ALL possible veins of your actions and anticipate it with a possible counter-action would the crucial criterion. They should also be able to sit and anticipate how the RELAYEE would feel if such intervention would occur. They should also be able to mediate the situation proper by not evoking any possible misunderstandings or add on any redundant judgments on top of the present problems. Such carelessness could lead a bonfire to a raze.

In that, makes a good chess player. There is no room for regret or remorse after that.

But, the evocation of guilt, remorse and the fear of losing someone due to their doings are usually nurtured due to their lack of strategy, irrationality and their impulsive torpedoed need to intervene. If one do not have the ability to counter all these, just by the mere need to intervene thinking that the BRANCHES could make things better, you might as well sit back and do NOTHING.

In the case of your already psyched carelessness and already factful intervention, forget about apologising. Things have been done. No use crying over spilt milk. I do agree that apologies might make people feel better. But then again, such redundant and unrefined intervention could cause anger as the facts of 1) considering that the past of where nothing was done and things were left stagnant could have made people sleep better at nite, and 2) simply knowing that the RELAYEE could have taken his time to get HIS OWN messenges across when the need arises.

But what if the RELAYEE. is not angry at all? Would not that make things worst?

Humans being humans, have this desire to be scolded if they misbehaved, misactioned or mis-said. Such unruly reactions might cause them to feel at peace. But, when they misbehaviors, misactions and mis-says are not caned or even commented upon, they feel uneasy. Worst off to not be bitten. Thus...I shall stay silent...

There is certainly no use of scolding.
There certainly no use of getting angry.
There certainly has no room to say anything.
I shall stay silent.

***

B: ...thank you for clearing my doubts...
C: ...no-no...thank you...
B: aik...asal plak?
C: ...thank you for taking care of her when she is having this problem. thank you for taking care of her especially when i cannot be there for her...thank you...
~~~

Is it my fault to take people's well-being as important? Is it my fault to take silence as my defense? It is definitely better to do as thus rather than to rant and rave. To trumpet to U of what happened and why I am furthering myself could lead U to be angry with me. That in itself could cause a strain in whatever we have.

My words and actions, if I might have decided upon a confrontation, would get several people involved. This, in itself, could cause multiple strains in others' relationships. My mere individual words and actions, if I were to decide to act upon my need to confront, might cause rifts to others. I cannot afford to do that. I cannot afford to be that selfish. What is the use of wanting to make myself feel better and, consequently, i get everyone to stumble upon their roads and make them fall flat on their face? Just to soothe myself?

Hark! Ain't my style.

Have been a very fair player. Have been a good player. Have never stepped upon others to get what I want. Have never back-stabbed anyone so as to clear my roads to any achievements I have bagged for the past 23 years. Never have done that. Will never be that. Will never do that...do not do unto others what you do not want to be done unto yourself...

I shall not say anything as I will get alot of people into trouble. I will not act upon the call for a cofrontation as such a thing could lead to the born of misunderstandings and rifts into others' relationships. Everything in my life has this domino effect. What I do could lead to another consequence. And the consequence could lead to a subsequent undesired product. If the product, consequences or subsequents are positive, i would walk onto the road of acting on it. But, most of the time, they are negative.

I might be eaten alive inside because I am keeping silent and swallowing whatever I can. Though my capacitance is reaching its maximum, I am trying to overload. I am trying very hard to reformat whatever that has happened. This is better than to get many people involved.

I do have given up.
I am flying my white flag.
I want to unfriend him...

Cancer

Cancer, the fourth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about home. Those born under this Sign are 'roots' kinds of people and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family. Cancers are maternal, domestic and love to nurture others. More than likely, their family will be large, too -- the more, the merrier! Cancers will certainly be merry if their home life is serene and harmonious. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer's household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities. They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible. A Cancer's good memory is the basis for stories told around the dinner table, and don't be surprised if these folks get emotional about things. Those born under this Sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them.

The mascot of Cancerians is the Crab, and much like this shelled little critter, Cancerians are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it's not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this 'shell' a second home (and they do love home). The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody. Further, in keeping with their difficulty in sharing their innermost feelings, it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place. What to do? Give the Crab time -- eventually these folks will come out to play again. When they do, they'll be the first to say so, in keeping with the Cardinal Quality attached to this Sign. It's said that Crabs are first to laugh and first to cry, so you can bet they'll fill you in. That shell, by the way, isn't the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, they're not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn't work, they'll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal.

***

Cardinal

Individuals possessing a Cardinal Quality like to get things going. They are active, quick and ambitious. Many projects get started, thanks to Cardinal initiative, although a good deal of them are never finished. That's because Cardinal folks are much fonder of starting things than finishing them.

You won't find a Cardinal person slacking off. These people are full of vim and vigor and possess a drive and ambition that is unmistakable. Enthusiasm and a zest for life fill the Cardinal individual. Some might perceive this rampant energy as domineering, and, at times, it can be. Cardinal people can easily forget about the rest of the pack when they are busily focusing on their own endeavors. Even so, their energetic spirit often wins the day.

Cardinal folks are clever and want to win. They love to start things, and whether they finish them or not, there's always a lot going on. Nay sayers who find thesm to be too self-centered will simply have to watch (and marvel) as they speed by!

***

The Moon: Ruler of the Emotions

Since the Moon is the closest 'Planet' to Earth, this satellite literally zips around the Zodiac, completing its circuit in less than a month. It also touches us more deeply than most Planets.
As the ruler of the tides, it is fitting that the Moon should be the ruler of our emotions. Still waters run deep? Making waves? A wellspring of emotion? Yes, our emotions have long been portrayed in terms of the sea: fluid, momentous, churning from within. Mood swings, instinct, how we feel about things and how our feelings affect others are all influenced by the Moon. Whereas the Sun gives us our spirit, it's the Moon which gives us our soul.

The Moon is goddess-like in that it symbolizes mother and the relationship between woman and child. This Planet (also known as a luminary) speaks to the women in one's life and their role as nurturer. Fertility, pregnancy and childbirth are also governed by the Moon. We see the Moon casting its silvery glow from our earliest moments, when we were stroked and caressed by our mother and felt her tender touch.

Our emotions manifest themselves through our being and set the tone for our daily lives. The Moon is party to this continuum, rendering us vital one moment and fragile the next. We're up and down, naughty or nice, and may laugh wildly or cry at will. Through the Moon's energy, we endeavor to reconcile these varied emotions in order to make ourselves complete and one with the world. The Moon also helps us see that which we want, and to use memory and the past as part of this process.

***

Water

The watery words flow with this Element: fluid, flowing, wavering. These terms can easily apply to an individual's emotions, which are exactly the realm in which Water exerts its influence.

Water Signs are intuitive, sensitive and feel more intensely than the rest. They are emotional and nurturing and, like a river, run deep. How things feel is what matters to these folks, and they base their actions on sense, rather than on logic or intellect. Water is also about compassion and understanding, since the receptive talents of these individuals are remarkably high. Water Sign people can take in the feelings of others, process them, and put forth a plan or solution that will be conscientious to all.

Those graced by Water love to take their sense of the world and translate it into the artistic. They desire aesthetic beauty -- and for everyone to be happy as a result of that beauty. Much like still water can become stagnant, however, an inactive Water Sign person is not a Water Sign person at their best. Water Signs feel most fulfilled when they are helping others, and they do so in an enchanting, considerate and even romantic way.

The flip side of this dreamy Water world is the tendency of these individuals to brood. Water Signs are susceptible to mood swings, and, at their worst, they could become self-indulgent, controlling and hostage to a fantasy world. This also brings up the ability of these folks to see things more clearly than others. Call it psychic, if you will.

Water Signs are emotional, empathetic, receptive and feel things deeply. Alternately calm like the sea or possessing the force of a torrential rain, the emotions brought forth by this Element are plentiful, indeed.

***
All the above are: ME!!!!
*grinZ*

Chant Rastaman Chant

Chant and feel so high

Until you reach the sky

Many days and feel so high

Chant Bongoman Chant

Chant and feel so high

Until you reach the sky

Many days and feel so high

***

Familiar?

A picture tells a thousand tales. You people decipher this on your own.

***

Trust me. I do love you people. It is just that I am so tired. Have been swimming. I love swimming alone. That explains why I do not seek you people. Well, I cannot dive at this present moment: curbed by school term. Thus, the swimming pool is the only outlet for me to dive and immerse in silent serenity. I do find peace. Believe me...Swim on and on... Until I feel like stopping... Well, yesterday was the day that I stopped because I felt like peeing...*laffZ*

Anyways, he has not been calling. Weird. I really want this, whatever it is, to happen. Funny...Weird...Disturbing...The enthusiasm I saw or felt in the very beginning is not there anymore. I feel very weird. Bad feelings. Sigh...

Someone pointed out: "...maybe all he wanted to do was to satisfy the forelaid challenge by his friends that he might get you. Flirt with the possibility and then leave at the climax..." True enough... Oh well...

The only conclusion I could come up with, presently pricked by millions of reasons of exhaustion and biasness, is: whenever I feel a good vibe upon seeing someone, ignore it. Just an illusion... A mean of distraction... Bedek ajer nie semua...

Run...

Please...

***

Pulangkan cinta hatiku

Hentikanlah menghantuiku

Pulangkan pulangkanlah padaku

Ku pulangkan kesan hidupmu

Yang dikau musnah tanpa relaku

Maafkanlah maafkan daku

Oh kasih...

sometimes...

Sometimes, I have this tendency to forget myself. I forget how high the sky is. I forget how low the ground is. I forget how hard and non-absorbable the ground is when I fall. I forget that the floor would not break my fall. I would break myself as a result. I forget that I am just a small insignificant amongst my peers. I forget that I have no right in asking for things. I forget...I forget...

Aku senang lalai...
Senang lupa diri...

Sometimes, I have this tendency to forget where I was. I forget how low I was. I forget how hard it was being down there. No doubt that the climb was strenuous and I have managed to be amongst the higher rungs of the ladder, but then again, I still forget how high the climb was. I was eluded by the height. I was lulled by the imagined comfort that I thought would come with the position. But no, I am about to fall again...

Aku senang dibuai mimpi...
Senang ditiup ke arah angin yang lalu...

Sometimes, I have this tendency to forget the realization that I am no longer who I was 4 years back. I forget that I was that and my head got slightly bigger than it was. I forget that I was stepped upon. I forget that people hated me just for how i looked. Hark!

Aku senang lupa...

But one thing is for sure, to forget one ownself is not equivalent to forgetting what people had done unto me back then. I remember most of the criticism, the mockery and the looks YOU people gave me four years back. I, being in a totally new package, have made you salivate longer trails of yearns...but that does not evoke forgetfulness in me to erase what U have done before...

Just oust yourself from my life...
Wait!
Better still, stay...
And let me step on your head...Crush your heart...And stir your memories into yesteryears and let you relive the moments U did all those to me...

So choose....
Leave?
Stay?
Stay...Please Stay...
*evil GRINZ*

....

"...what i believe, i'll wail;

what i know, believe;

and what i can redress, as I shall find the time to friend, i will..."

No-no. Many things are going through my mind. My heart keep feeling constricted. Why? It keeps having this nervous feeling. Has been almost a month that I am feeling as such. I do wonder why.

Have not been feeling good. Been feeling tired...

Chant rastaman

Chant

Chant and feel so high

Until you reach the skies

Many days and feel so high

***

I miss...
I am still wondering of whom I am truly missing.
I miss the voice...
I miss listening to him sing...
I miss...
But who?

*scratch my head aplenty*
Of whom does my heart yearns and mind lingers upon?

I think I know...
I think I feel pain...
I think I do not want to miss anymore...

BUT...
I miss him...
But I feel pain... But I miss...
Why?
***

A: Budak mana tu?
B: Budak.... er... kawan si anuh tu...
A: *silence* abeh si anuh tu tau ke tak?
B: *silence* entah... *shrug* *sad face* agaknya dier tak tau...

***

I am sorry. I just do not feel like talking on the phone.
I am sorry. I just do not feel like replying sms-es.
I am sorry. I just do not feel like spending time.
I am sorry....

I am sorry that I am addictive. I am sorry that I have made you addicted to me. I am sorry to have twirled my fingers and snake into your heart and get you to love me. I am sorry. I did not do it intentionally though. I was just being myself. I am sorry... Don't worry too much. Am doing fine...Just a little tired though...
***

C: ...I know you are from that-school... I know that you are very rapat to him...
D: *jaws dropped* er... not alot of people know those two facts that you do know of me...
C: ...I have my sources...
D: *silence* *thinking* So... Is my being close to him going to be an issue?
C: ...no! *immediate reply* he is a brother... definitely not...
D: *silence* *shocked*

***

When a lovely woman stoops to folly and find that men betray, what charm can soothe her melancholy, what art can wash her guilt away?

taste...

the air grew still... i curl all four fingers together, but one. The 'pointer': i raise to the sky, and run it on my tongue. Wet, I raise it to the skies again...to feel the direction of the wind. All these, I do, in the hope of finding the right direction to walk... the direction to the right place that I am deemed to go to... Where? *shrugZ*

Sometimes, all you have to do is just to keep on walking...before you really fall flat on your face and die...

***

I have been thinking. Many things has been happening. I need a new form of euphoria, that is certain.

As hard as I try to run, the circle just keeps getting smaller. It scares me. *Man's actions does not stop today. It would come to a nought in the years to come when all the things that you had done, is unravelled and slammed in your face, especially when you dread such a reality.* Not that I have been bad the last few years of my life. Bleargh~ I am not speaking sense. All my thoughts are labyrinthed in this maze of confusion....

I am confused. Really I am. I wonder why such things happened the way it did. I am meant to learn something from it, right? But what? I am aware that it takes patience for such reason to come to light, but my heart is aching at such present reality. Life's a bitch. One does not need to make it any bitchier right?

I sit at Shalihin and I see him. My heart aches. The mind backtracks to 6-years of memoirs and I just keep questioning why. Yes, every touch you have made with someone, be it physical, emotional or mental, you're meant to learn something from it. I am still questioning of what his purpose in my life was. I have been questioning that for a very long time...I do remember the time that I was trying to run away from mamakopet, I kept using this as a mantera to motivate myself to stay strong: life has to be better than this...it HAS to be better than this...

He is someone I have learnt to love. Honestly, never mind what kind of love it is/was. Things has to be based upon the fundamentals. I love him, I do. Sad to see that things have come to this. I know I am the one who is walking away. I am not provoking him to chase after me. I am not worth such an effort. I am walking quietly away. Just merely ignoring. I am not saying anything. I am not doing anything. I am not even trying to do anything. I am just sitting here and not doing anything. Just keeping quiet...Too disappointed to do anything. Well, disappointment motivated me. It pushes me to a corner.

I use to sit in the corner of my old room and just curl myself up. Hug my legs close to my body and just cup my head on my knees. All of sudden, such false comfort would tear me and make me cry. It does not make me better. It induces me to cry more. Good self-induced medicine? *sigh* Crying too much is not good for the heart...."...take care of the heart Dah...the heart..."

I have this urge to cry. But I just cannot. The heart aches terribly. Each time I see him, it throbs with yesterpains. Please do not be mistaken or have a miscontrued perception of this. I am not going to places that he frequents with the sole purpose to provide wood to my burning pain. I go there because I love the Wak there...the cempedak goreng...the kacang phool...the mee soto...the soup kambing...the ayam goreng...the charkuey and tahu bakar...Fuiyoh~ and the MILO DINOSAUR!!!!

***

On how people might perceive my sitting there as a way to 'spy' on him, I have such tendencies to question his very motives: for what? I feel spied upon. I feel pried upon. I feel that I know him well enough, to the extent to sort of have this lingering thought, that he might just be trying very hard to find out what exactly is going on. BUT not through me. Through others. *fingers crossed* please do not make use of people. If you do realise it or not, you have made use of me. Wait~ I gave you the right to make use of me. *sigh* Stupid me? *shrugZ* it is easier to brush off such things by using the most lame excuse around. Less complicated that way.

I am, ultimately, tired. I watch the world with tired eyes. I have injected this dose of cynicism into me, together with an overdose of acid and ecstasied cruelty, to torpedoe me in keeping myself awake.

***

The music was blasting. The place was packed. Well, more packed than usual. Maybe because it was Reggae's nite. *sigh* It was 0311... and people were still queueing to get in. *sigh* I turn and i see many drunk. The overwhelming smoke from ciggies surrounded the dancefloor. Bobbing heads and moving sweaty youngsters, panting and continuously dancing to the beat, submerged the dark place. *sigh* many thoughts streamed in and out of my mind....

The crowd was younger than I. It seems that many barely have kissed the carpet of being in the twenties. I see tattooes, more on the girls rather than the boys. Trust me, many are of beautiful art-forms. Vodka was being passed around. Beer jugs were passed from one end to the other. *sigh* What was really going through their heads when they were sipping their drinks? Typically to get tipsy? To get high? Live the moment for the sake of the moment? What glorifies the need to have a tattoo? I am not pious u know. But I am aware that such things are forbidden. Basic~ But what gives them the reason, strong enough, to boulder-down the pillars of their basic fundamentals...their basic sense of belonging and faith?

Ok-ok...Lets analyse. You're high...and you do things that you barely could remember the next day. Let's question why:

1) You like being in a situation where you have no control over? Fair enough if you say that most of the things in life, you do not have control over. But, would not you like to have that gist of control knowing that once in your lifetime, you have made a wise decision and not make a decision out of folly or due to undesired circumstances? A little control does not make you a control freak u know. You have to have that grip in life. Steer your life. Sheesh...

2) You like to follow the norm? *sigh* Life is too short to always have this sheep-mentality and follow the crowd. One should be principled enough and be governed by what you need and want. True that in life, you would not be able to fully satisfy ALL you need or want. But, why would you want to be in the flock? Would not you rather be the one controlling the flock? Better still, be away from the flock and do your own stuff. There is, no doubt, a fine line separating the sense of belonging and the need to follow the crowd. Know the difference, bold the line and stay in ur pasture. One day you might come to regret knowing that you have once been baptised in the sea of the flock; where your actions, words and minds were always evolving around the same as others: COMMON.

3) Do you not believe in karma? Whatever you do today would echo into eternity. The consequences, be it good or bad, might not be sprayed upon YOU (the one who did it). It might affect your children...or your childrens' children...or your subsequent lineage...Can you carry such a burden on your shoulders knowing that ONE thing you did, could just be the leading cause of your lineage's downfall?

I think too much? Life itself is a contradiction. Life itself is a realistic oxymoron. Life is too short to think too much of. There are just too many things to think of. The mind is just not equipped with a wide enough capacity to swallow whatever reality that life has. But then again, life itself is too short to go about NOT thinking of it. One just have to think. God provide us with the weapon that many generations before us never had: AKAL~ Why must we always take the mind for granted and not squeeze its fullest potential? *sigh*

Well, I guess a moderation of whatever there is, is the best solution. It keeps life balanced.

***
Matters of the heart has always been the one subject that I have never tried indulging myself in. It is unpredictable. It is dangerous. You are working with people. You are getting yourself involved. As I have mentioned before to someone...

A: ...you get to know people...you get yourself involved...first, it is just emotions...then you have this list of sendiri-mau-ingat obligations...once a week, or maybe more, must meet...to lepaskan rindu la kirakan...and then from emotions, you would want to have touches...sometimes, you just cannot help yourself...once touches, becomes hugs and maybe more...that in itself, is heavy in a relationship...
B:...you think too much...dun be too hard on yourself....things have not happened. Have to prepare yourself for the worst...but you should not put yourself down too much...

I could not agree more. I do not blame for whatever has happened in the past four years. But, i do not deny that it has made a huge impact on me and made me as such: a planner. Someone told me before that i plan too much...these kind of things, one cannot be too prepared because things are so unpredictable...*sigh* I do not want to fight a losing battle...I do not get involved in something that its win is so unpredictable....

Mak!!!!
Aidah taknak kahwin!!!!
TAKUT!!!!

Crash......
Would you like me to forget myself
and lose myself in you

Push......
Just one push will do
Then I'm overboard
Drowning in you

I hear a whisper slowly &
Soon our lips will be near
In between the day and night
I step into the blue twilight
Catch me, darling catch me

Hold me back
I think I'm falling
Over you,
what did you do?

Help me now
I'm losing me....into you
What did you do?
What did you do?

Walk, I walk a line that leads to you
Waiting....anticipating
desire has no safety
To lead you on the road
Going crazy

I hear a whisper slowly
&Soon our lips will be near

Hold me back
I think I'm falling
Over you, what did you do?

Help me now
I'm losing me into you
What did you do?
What did you do?

I hear you whisper darling.....darling

In between the day and night
I step into the blue twilight
Catch me, darling catch me

Hold me back
I think I'm falling
Over you, what did you do?

Help me now
I'm losing me.... Into you

What did you do?
What did you do?
What did you do? I think I'm falling
What did you do?
What did you do? I think I'm falling

Help me now
I'm losing me.... Into you
What did you do?
What did you do?

...thoughts...

there are alot of things going through my mind. well, for one, an encounter with a sakit-budak-person does not make things better. Alahai...yelah...memanglah aku nie melayan. But, on a serious and personal perspective, i dun see myself as a potential trigger for mens' nafsu...

*ish*

anyways...

exams are coming and i am still doing and researching upon my fyp. Haiyah. I read a book, on my fyp, it said that...the study of such a subject is normal to be held back because the mathematical model can only be verified with real values. U know, it is like, iteration. U assumed a certain mode. And then u calculate for a certain value, using certain constants. And then, u derive at an answer. U re-substitute that value again and get another answer. That answer, is re-substituted into the mathematical model and when the answers converges to almost the same values...BINGO!!!! U got the answer....Therefore, that is my werk.

Have been thinking alot about this. The graph is kind of correct. Now, am in search of the true values that could replicate a real blood flow...*sigh* There are so many things to consider though. If assuming a certain artery...I am constrained by:

1) different radius at different points arteries that is in the body
2) different pulsatiled pressure at different times
3) different frequencies to be considered
4) Womersley number would be very small...but how small?
5) the speed at which blood flows, should be in cm/s and not m/s...

Argh!
Am so constrained...

Thinking...

wait...
Do you people undertstand what I am writing about?
***

He appears to NOT care. *laffZ*
Good i think.

Second...
I guess I am finally and conclusively have been filtered...
Goodbye to my 31-year old teacher...
I thank kakak and abang for actually making the effort to call me and bring me down to introduce me to the panel of judges...Thank you.
I did not make after the interview. Too bad of a package to be introduced to the real bachelor, I guess. Thanks. Believe you me, I do not have brewing qualms about this. But, am just facing reality with an injection of acidic cynicism. Thank you.

Third...
Met someone yesterday. He passed me my guitar. He always has this twinkle in his eyes, each time he talks to me. I do wonder whether he has that twinkle with every girl he converses with. A tall, charming guy. Has a great smile and extremely long-eyelashed pair of brown eyes. Rides a scrambler and he is always making me laugh. Very comfortable. Love biting him though...AhakZ~ Well, I cannot chase after this one. Have to let him fly. There are other bees flying around him. I do not even fill the requirements to even have a whiff of him near. *sigh*

Fourth...
Have been spending time with Buchuk-D...hehhee....
MuahZ~!
Love the times together...
Officially, I have a tunang...and two wives...and a mistress who keeps missing... =P
I am well-fed aye!!!
heheheh....

*garuk kepala*

someone is truly disappointed in us. weird...
i find the set okie. i love the set actually.

what was crappy?
what went wrong?
what?
WHAT???

it took quite a long time to for me to get over and embrace reality. someone, yang kita sayang, had to burst the bubble...almost about a month AFTER the 'tragedy'...

Oh...the dark one...
why must u break my glass bubble so late?
now my heart is in turmoil more than how it was a month ago...
*sigh*

aku rasa macam nak cekik-cekik kau!!!!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!

***

Alot of things had/has been going on. Am going to be very quiet for the next few months i think. Kind of difficult to explain. I guess, you people know me well enough to be aware that i do not tell all my problems. Not at one go...and not so soon. Well, as they have said, the calm before the storm... The storm was here a year and a half ago...Now, the storm came back worst than ever...

A test?
I duno...

I do not dare think of the situation. More of the issue of trying to make best of what is left in the present situation. Should be okie I guess... I'll ring any of you in cases the need arises...Dun wori *yah right...sometimes when u tell people NOT to worry, that is precisely what they WOULD actually do...~tepuk dahi~* never mind...will be okie...

Aku penat ah...

***

he called someone to ask why i was moody.
he was afraid to call me and asked me personally?
*sigh*
Could see he was ultra affected.
Could sense and am aware that he is always looking at me...for a 'replied' look, smile or word...
I gave him neither...

Still am waiting for his call...
If he is going to call...
Hope he does not...But on the other side of me, I am actually wishing that he would...

Somehow, when that someone told me that that person called to ask about me...I began to wonder... what was it that made me so angry and made me gave up... I actually forgot u know...

Buchuk-D... memang betul eh kau cakap... "...kalau kau betul-betul sayang orang tu... as time goes by, you will eventually forgot what was it that made u angry at him in the first place... you'll end up embracing him when he comes back the next time round..."

Ler...
akan terjadi macam gitu ke?
*shrugZ*
but i sure miss him...
that monday was a good rekindlement...
got to see him...

Argh! keja giler!

rindu

i miss u loads...
can hardly get u from my mind...
the only i could see you was when i dream at nite...
the only time i could embrace you is when i am engulfed in my world of sleepliving...
u are but a dream for me...

i can only make u real in my dreams...

does that make me a dreamer?
*sigh*
it just makes me more distant from the real fact that there would be a someone in the near future for me...
i am tired...
give up?
*shrugZ*

my sandals~

The brand of my very first sandals was: POWER~ hehehe... cute brand. cute sandals. Lasted with me for a very long time. Well, it did me good for all the years of walking and all the years of growing. Settled for Nike, after that. A little oversized... Size 7 was too compact. Size 8 was a little too big. Choose either compact or loose...Well, chose loose... Ended up causing its spoils in less than a year. *sigh*

Went KL. Found sandals. In actual fact, stumbled upon them in a small shop at the corner in one of the BIG shopping centres there. Purple... Well, it's lavender actually. Striped with beige. Nice cute sandals. Fit perfectly onto my feet. Threw my nikes. These sandals stood by and with me throughout my early years of NTU. Well, one day it snapped. *sigh* The base was soleless and the straps were fraying. Kept burning its ends. *shrugZ* sometimes, enough is enough. Done enough to sustain it. Time to leave it to peace. *sad smileZ* love those sandals though...

Next on the list was an orange cheap sandals. Striped as well but no valcro attachments. Overland was its name... Went diving... Hiking... Rode the african twin... Rode BabyFour... Rode Scooterdero... Drove cars with it. Those cheap sandals went through thick and thin with me. Finally, it gave way without rhyme or reason 3 weeks ago... *sad*

Settled my eyes on another pair of Nike. New, small...Orangy-greyish-striped blue sandals... Expensive...But comfortable. Gave me blisters the first five minutes of wearing them. Had to put them aside so as to recover my blistered feet first. Now, they're on my feet; warming them... How long will these last? *shrugZ*

Bottom line is: i miss my purple-beige-striped-KL sandals... *sigh*

***



I feel fluffed. Guess the two days spent with two of my beloved people is therapeutically good. We were not running around. We were not making out. We were just talking. Spending time... Making up for lost time. Did alot of catching up. But then again, still feel as if it was not enough. Is it just me? heheheh... There are still loads of other times still... Insya-Allah...*sigh* miss both of you aledi... Haiyah...

Was able to be a little more focused now that things are out in the light. I miss my mumy-choa-chu-kang though. The thought of her not being in singapore is eating me with misses...Sigh...Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul... *hug Su-D*

wait la... me waiting for THAT call. waiting to see how good the two packages are. Jangan mengharapkan sangat eh D? Trying lor... I have this urgent urge to fully spray them with things that would make them regret having the intention to make I known to the two packages... Astargfirullah...What the hell is going through my mind? hehehe... Takpelah...

To anticipate is better than to participate...
Nought's had all's spent...
*smileZ*

*shrugZ*

Q: Am i angry?
A:No i am not.
Q: Am i angry @them?
A: No, definitely am not angry @them.
Q: Then, why did u enter the entry below? The one that u have editted?
A: It was because I was angry @the world. I was just trying to find an outlet to let things out. It does not help that my actions were catalyst by very bad PMS.
Q: Do you think u owe anyone apologies?
A: I suppose so. I apologise for any inconvenience and worries instigated. I did not mean to do so.

*helpless look*

***~~~***

I freaked out D. I did. If news of my blog-entry had been passed to Kak and Abg, please do pass my apologies as well. I apologise profusely. Ni namernyer: ' takde keja, carik keja...takda bahan, carik bahan.' I am sorry, truly.

I freaked out BIG TIME. I have no idea why. I have mentioned to you, ' i feel heavy...' Yah...think too much maybe. I do not know. I just feel that there is this huge burden on me. Berat...and I went berzerked the next day. *sighZ* truly am profusely apologetic of this... Such things are hard to explain. Heart is too fragile now. Well, it has always been fragile. Only that it is covered by a hard shell outside.

Alahai...I am sorry to all those who got worried upon reading the entry. Not that I do not mean what I said, but it is merely of how I viewed things, or actually hope how it turns out to be. Words...the pen is mightier than the sword... I guess, for me presently, the keyboard is way stingier than the sword's tip...

Bear the consequences I guess. My words might have hurt people, I guess, I am leaving evrything to fate. Meant to meet, meant to see, meant to know, I would eventually will... A matter of time I guess...*shrugZ*

I am sorry...

I still want my 31-year-old teacher...*sad regretful face*
Lost i think...*sigh*
takpelah... *weak smiles*

***~~~***

My heart has been edgy these few days. Keep feeling that there is someone around me. Kelibat...

Weird...The heart flutters as if it is nervous. Many times I felt scared, in my own room. And I felt the presence of someone else. Maybe it is just my imagination. But weird... Never have felt this kind of feeling before...

I had a weird dream 3 days ago. Dreamt of my old house. I just remembered briefly of what had happened towards the end...

i was running...and finally, i found myself in what used to be my parents' room. I was facing the window. At the left corner, the windows seemed to be slightly ajar... *knock-knock* i jumped at the sudden taps and kept looking for the sound. For all i know, the taps were from the window itself... I saw long fingers tapping continuously, but slowly, on the glass... and saw this entity floating outside...

Outside was brightly lit...The entity was pitched black... *weird* It kept knocking... It was floating from the right to the left... Slowly... It slowly approached the ajar and tried reaching for that edge to pull the window open... All I could do was stand there... The thing was staring at me with an evil grin... red eyes... The window was slowly pulled ajar... More ajar... More open... I felt fear engulfed in me... I tried screaming... But all that came out was a hmmmmmm.... I pushed the scream... But i cannot... *all these years of singing at the top of my lungs, of all times now!, my throat has to fail me????!?!?!??!* .... I look around for help... No one was there... I was rooted to the ground... Tried running... Cannot... Tried screaming... Cannot... Tried pulling my eyes away from the entity... Cannot...

The window grew more ajar... And i kept staring... And finally i got abit of my audibility... AHhhhhhh....... And i awoke... Just in time to close my mouth... In time to stop the scream... reached for my hp... It was 4.33am... I WAS dreaming...

What did it mean?

i have said...

I will not participate in a losing battle

The clock struck midnite...and the soft drone of an hindustani-song was humming in the background... Static, I was staring at the computer screen. Zen? Zoning out? *shrugs* Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain... My mind tried to detect the pain...to put a name to it... But I just cannot put a finger to it...Too familiar but yet too hard to put a finger to it...

The eyes welled...Full as it is, its banks broke and the tears just fell... Keep flowing actually... Funny... It came with the pain.. The pain became too overwhelming... I clenched my fist and held on to my chest...

I think... I just felt my heart breaking...

*~~~*

I believe in the saying 'too close for comfort'. I believe in the saying 'too close yet too far'. I also believe that the world is superficial and ultra judgmental. I put myself on the line by packaging myself in the most controversial look. Well, to guinea-pig myself as a test-rat in the laboratoried-world; to put my stands on the line. I guess my hypotheses are all being proven true...*raise eyebrow* prove me wrong ah...

First impression matters. Yeah ballZ. Looks do matter. No matter what you say, the character and the mind would always be valued as secondZ.

1. U're fat: you'll be ruled out as second or maybe last choice.
2. U're ugly: Hark! People do not fucking bat an eyelid at you.
3. U're short: Well, let's be realistic. Men love short women. They feel less intimidated that way.
4. U're tall: Hark! U have just minorise half the available men-population.
5. U're fair: Well, another plus point. Go figure~
6. U're dark: U'll have to work that extra mile to get what you want.

The world is superficial. I am surrounded by people who are that. *roll eyes* *shrugZ*

*~~~*

No matter the age, superficiality sticks to you like a leech. It was nurtured thus becomes a skin to you. You will never outgrow it. You sit, you judge... You stand, you judge... You look around, you judge. Just because someone appears to be in a totally wrong package, as measured in relative to what SHOULD-BE, does not make it equivalent to the the assumptions that the person might have miscontrued aspects of religion, principles, thinking, character and personality. Hark~!!!

Never mind...Just leave me alone... Do not call me... Do not message me... Do not try to contact me. Just go away!!!!

I remember my friend saying this, "... you against the world... 1 divided by infinity is equivalent to zero... Thus, u are infinitely small... Hence, non-existent..." Leave me that way... Thank you...