u DO?

The soft breeze brushes against my cheeks. My eyes were closed, trying to get in touch with the unheard. Soft whispers hummed past my ears; softly droned with the sad tune of yesterburdens. The heart skipped a beat as it detected a familiar tune: the orchestra of tears that had lulled myself to sleep almost every night for the past three months. Synchronicity aligned, the heart beats against the drums of pain and masterly directed the tune to infinite melancholic music... I teared...

***

Do you know how difficult it was to get you near me? Do you know how difficult it is to have what we presently have? Six years... Six years of hardwork... I am sick and tired of people always trying to pull you away from me... Either they hate me and they love you too much to allow you near me OR they just cannot embrace the idea that you are near me... I just hate it... *tearing*

An undefined relationship that has lasted for six dogged years. He defined it platonic. I tagged it with the unnamed. What do you really label a relationship of two people where one believes in platonicity and the other is totally against the existence of the former? Clash of principles. Clash of expectations. Clash of realistic beliefs. Yet, they have gone through thick and thin for six years. Was one misunderstanding, hurled at the walls of their fortress, strong enough to break it? *shrugZ*

To think that you have known me for six years, and you chose to believe what you hear.

The way I work is a little complex. Simple yet complex. I do not bother to scour around for evidence to justify whatever that comes to my ears; be it being brought to me on purpose or unrealisingly. I chose to stay silent and work things out by myself. Not that I am standing on the basis of assumptions, I just chose to measure the rumours/news against what I know of the protagonist. This method might prove to be a little risky though, for you might actually discover, during the analysis, that you do not really know the person at all.

Such self-indulgence, thinking that things might finally work out by doing all the work by oneself, would naturally enlabel I with the tag 'obsess with the remote-control'-syndrome. Please do not misunderstand. I am not driven by the need to be in control. Neither am I driven by the want to direct things to always go my way. I am holding on to the intention: by I focusing the problem using my principle, it would lessen the burden of the other party involved. But then again, people would always be people, right? They would always use the former assumption simply because it is more realistic and typical. *sighZ*

Nonetheless, I embraced my practice and swore my allegiance to silence while working things out as meticulous as I could. Undeniably, there were loopholes. In fact, too many to ignore. My arguments were proven unjustifiable. I am not looking for reason though. Neither am I looking for a solution. I am merely seeking the 'how': how could such thing have happened, how could such thing have evolved and manisfested into something so vicious that it could actually pull two people apart, how could someone bear the cruel intention to even want to action such, how could people be so involved in pinpointing anothers' mistakes, ignoring their own barnacles of sins? They rub against us, we bleed. We rub against them, we bleed. We can do no wrong aye. Life~

...the EGO-DUO...

It was not easy. It has never been an easy ride. To gain each others' trust was a feat deem impossible by many. Though the relationship was not built upon the intention to prove the society otherwise, society has, subconsciously, made it their business to want to crumble it. *sigh*

Maybe, such intention was built merely on the subconscious level. Thus, they do not realise and do not want to discover they have such evil nurtured intentions. Maybe, they did it purposely just for the sole fun of it. Maybe, they are just driven by their inquisitiveness to nose their way through business not of their own. Maybe, just maybe, they are driven by immaturity.

...ignorance is bliss...

I brought you into my life, thinking that you could be part of it. However, events henceforth seems to prove me otherwise. Either you are a natural harbinger of bad luck or you are bad luck itself. You do not know how to play your cards well. A person makes a mistakes and repeats it, after that, learns from it, you call that person stupid. But, a person who does the same mistakes repetitively and not learnt from it, that person earned himself the label hopeless.

I, usually, would ignore such people as I readily degrade and stamped their significance with the heel of my shoe. They do not deserve a place in my circle. Too stupid. On the other hand, I do not deny that U, whom I degrade as mere dust on my life's carpet, had taught I many athings. Thank you.

People who cannot keep their mouths shut, should learn. What is the use of excreting similar craps to everyone around you? U do it because you want to fit in? U do it because you were trying to act smart? Where is the value of persay? It would only result in redundant hearsay and evoke unnecessary burdens.

In life, play chess.
Anticipate...but never participate...
The key to life's anticipation for self-defense is to: OBSERVE!

***

I do not deny that the absence of someone had triggered my mood for the month. It feels rather strange not having that person around. It feels rather heavy bearing the thought that I might have lost that person forever. Why?

I do think of him every night. The moment I wake, throughout the day and to the time I tuck myself in bed. I yearn to hear his voice. Each time, the wind whispers news of his well-being, I would shudder at the thought that he was no longer by my side. Weird~ I feel sad. Empty. Almost like an empty vessel. Weird.

I am twirled by the resolution of what my actions might have consequent. Either it could amplify something that was deem bleak or it could totally eliminate it. *shrugZ* Such abstract. It just keep drilling me further into the ground.

Thus, I wonder why: Was I wrong to make the first move?
*sigh*
Time will tell I guess.
For now, I am glad.

u DO?

I miss him. The mention of his very name makes me crumble and I would silently sob. Panged with the driven desperation to hear his voice...I called...

Kring-kring... Once...
Kring-kring... Twice...
Kring-kring... Thrice...
I put the phone down...
Guess it was not meant to be explained...

Opened the door. Put the phone down on the table. Was taking my helmet off when...KRING!!!!

*silence*
..." U called?"
..." Yah.." *sigh of relief* ..."...er...Are u still angry with me? ..."

***

Did my peace. Made some resolutions. Met some epiphanies. Drilled by the need to stay away from someone.

dash of hope~

EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!
*grinZ*

*evil look*
*rubbing hands together gleefully*
dirty plans routed for the future are about to be actioned...
any helpers?
*raise eyebrows*

***

I am back!!!!!!

a dash of hope~

I see and sense the great worth in keeping you around in my life. In that, I don't want to lose you, in whatever sense. But, funny, I cannot and would not act upon this great hunch because I am afraid I might be wrong. In that, I shall allow you to 'fly'. I have a very weird way of thinking, complex. Very hard for me to explain why I said those words yesterday. I don't say such words to just anyone...*sigh*...

***

Unbounded.
@least that is what I try to be. I am limitless to things that I do to raise eyebrows.

Restless.
Have been feeling as such for far too long. Something is amissed.

Dreamy.
Not that I am. And not that I am not. My life is, undeniably, encompassed by dreams; driven by the adrenaline to fulfill such dreams. To make reality what was just a thought.

Crude.
Very much in speech and mind.

Observant.
I foresee many unpleasant things. But, with it, I sense good things blanketed underneath. The heart is reluctant to go through all that again. And the mind is afraid to be turmoiled by such redundancies. The shoulder aches from yesterburdens. To foresee is to foreact.

***

I dreamt of U yesterday. Again. Weird. I see you having that fear to bump into me. I sense your guilt each time I am around: overwhelming. Now, such real sense has been transmitted into my dreams of U. Your aura's dimmed. Your face shrouded by guilt. Why?

I feel weird.

deepened~

Keeping onseself secluded from the rest of the world would inevitably inject numerous epiphanies. I was being enlightened repetitively. Just cannot put a finger to it though... I do feel contented and have come to believe that many things are better left unsaid...

***

Tried as hard as I may, I find it tardy to keep my focus onto studying. I think I am governed by complacency. But, I do remember the things that I have studied. And I do remember the twists and turns to get to that particular derivation. But, why do I feel that I have not studied enough? Exam panic syndrome? *shrugZ* I am tired...Truly...I am...

Nonetheless, I have this huge guilt sitting in my heart each time I try to fully immerse myself in revision. The sound of the blender...the sound of the vacuum...the sound of..."Haaaaammmm....tolong mak amik tepppuuunnnngggg....."...and the aroma of baked cookies... I feel this urge to put my books aside and help. I feel guilty. I tear each time I see my mum drag herself to bed every night, exhausted by the routine of her daily cleans. Eventually, I would put my notes down and contribute to the bakings and the cleans and the cookings. God be willing, I have been able to finish my revision right on the notch. Blessing? *shrugZ* All I know is, I feel guilty.

I love my mum, truly. *hugZ*

***

It had been a hard ride, these four years. Emotional, mental and physical torments circulated my life. I cannot deny that it had been fun. It has moulded me into a better person, I hope. So far, I am fine (though the fact is: my hate-club is exponentially expanding). I cannot help but to look back. Many say go forward and never look back. Well, I say as one walk forward, one should, occasionally, look back to keep themselves rooted to the ground and, with that, be contented.

***

Do not gone for too long, I might get use to your absence.

Why do people get so judgmental? Why are people governed by superficiality?

I do not deny the fact that people have expectations of whatever they want, desire or dream of. A set of criterions that were conjured according to their innate needs and cravings and thus locked in memory to be use as a tool of filtration. This is what we call standards. Others might brush it off as superficiality.

A matter of perceptions then.

***

Always play fair.
Really.

Personally, to action something in the name of being fair and just, would bear satisfaction even if you eventually do not win. At the beginning of the battle, the ultimate aim is to obtain the trophy. But, the journey in going through the begetting of the trophy is underlined as crucial. The journey teaches many athings: patience, the value of hardwork, the importance of effort and the spur to propel oneself with unconditional determination. With these, it might stick onto you and might grow into becoming your future virtues.

The beginning sparks the start of many wondrous things. The end marks the end, or it could mark the beginning of something else. Well, life is cyclical isn't it? Mine is just marked with endless cruelty. Anyways, the middle is really what matters most. Well, most of the time that is.

Always be sincere in your conveyance. Never hide your true intentions. Evil begets evil. Good begets good. Thus, to expect good reap, you sow good. Be confident in your delivery. If you believe your intentions are laced with good and high-value, why not lay it upon the table? Why resort to unscrupulous means and unorthodox methods in obtaining whatever you were after? Can you really sleep at night, knowing that whatever you have, presently, were once obtained through screwed means? This is more of a moral dilemma i guess. If you are moral enough, honestly, such thoughts would eat you.

As such, you would be governed by the fear that another lad would appear and might re-use your methods on you to snatch whatever you have. If you, a human, can carry out such evil, why not the man sitting next to you? Thus, everyone else is seen as a potential enemy? Such paranoia instigated by just ONE evil doing. Erase the potential paranoia by NOT attempting to get your stuffs by unfair means. Easy? You tell me. How many of you dare say that whatever you presently have is attained fairly? *smirkZ*

Be true to yourself. You can lie, cheat or even rob another of what they have. But make sure that whatever you are doing or have done is in the name of being true. If you cannot make the effort to assure that everyone is stamped with your truth, then ensure that you are wholeheartedly labeled with truth. Truly, be true to yourself. It would lessen or might even eliminate redundant burdens.

***

There is no use in trying to hold on to a threadless kite...
Let it fly...
Truly...Honestly...if it is meant to be yours, somewhere and somehow, it would come back...
But, my kites would never fly back.
*tearing*

I foresee someone not coming back anymore. *sighZ* I left because I was angry. I left to have a little for myself. I took time to recover my aching and hurting heart. Such aches is not due to my love for you in that way. I love you wholeheartedly as someone. A friend? *shrugZ* A potential husband? *shrugZ* A potential partner? *shrugZ* I love you as the person you are. And you left. *sighZ* Maybe, you were spurred by my own doing: I left first. *sighZ*

Deep inside, though I am crossing my fingers upon the thought that you might come back, I truly am holding, largely, that you would just stay away forever. Your presence in my life has done more harm than good. Your presence in my life has drowned I in my own tears. How could I yearn for you for so long? When you are far, I miss you. When you are near, I am brush with contentment and as such, I forgot the initial need to want to make you mine.

I do not believe in platonicity. It is dangerous play.
*sighZ*
Please, as much as I want, crave, forlorn and yearn for you to come back, I'd rather you stay away forever. The best solution for the both of us I guess.
*tearing*

***

I can do no wrong.
I have not been doing the seeking. They have. But I have been labeled as the hunter. And thus, be shrouded in the title 'shameless'.
*shrugZ*

Mulut jahat...
Hati busuk...
Irihati...
What do I have that you want that would be large enough to push you to resort to such level and smear my name with maligns?
Ish~

Takpelah... Asalkan kau bahagia lah ye...
Do whatever you deem fit...

deepened~

"...tomyam nie rasa meluat-luat ah..."

*blur*

"...meluat-luat?!?!?..."

"...ah...meluat-luat..."

"...meluat-luat ke masam-masam????..."

"...ah....masam-masam..."

*geleng head*

***

Trying to shut the world away from myself. Funny that the more you want to run away and stay in your bubble of security, the world would just keep coming at you. It would chase, hunt and lure you into its uncertainties and insecurities which is engulfed in typical cynicism and shrewdness. All these are redundancies that I need to filter from my system. To titrate it all with a dose of acidic oxidation. It is healthy to stay away once in a while so as to keep yourself grounded and not be typified by your absurd mindsets and perceptions of what you thought was going on. It would automatically keep oneself focus onto the main aim of the present: to just survive.

I guess, in life, it does not matter of how long you have lived. The one point that stands is how much you have attained in life and how you have survived. It is a cruel world out there. Protect me? Nah... I shall do my own protection: stay silent. Just awaiting news. Just awaiting whatever lewd rumours that could be brewed from juicy presentation of unexpected 'display'.

Climb the ladder. Watch how the tongueS wag. Listen to the wind and hear the whispers. Hear the cruel bedtime stories people lull themselves with. Note the tune of insynchronicity. Just take note of the incoherence of the anarchial eventualities that could be evoked from the wag.

Bitches? That title is too great for them. Sluts? Even that is literally more dignified. Leeches? Nah. Pests? They are just nothing. Nothing as they might be, it is undeniable that they could cause shake upon my foundation. I still do wonder how I got onto the pedestal of their hate. Unfounded? *shrugZ* It would be justified if my touches had always been on them or all over them. On the contrary, I have the least contact with them. And those are the people who hate me the most. Funny. You cannot please everyone can you? *smileZ*

Lucky for me, the ones who are close to me, are those who still love me and have not been believing the flying rumours. I hope...

***

2 years. I have been cracing for that for 2 years. It might have been longer. Well, just to make myself feel better, I have got it! Thank you!

***

Time well-spent. Laughs. GiggleS. Blushes. Nags. BITES!!!
*grinZ*
At least I am aware that I would never be bitten. *laughs*

hard~

*shrugZ*

I guess nervousness was literally written on my face the moment i saw him walked towards the place. I still find it hard to swallow that i had been filtered. Yes, I am a proud and egoistic lady. But, such filtration reached the climax when HE disappeared. @least I knew why mamakopet was not IT. @least I knew why Botak was not IT either. I knew why the rest un-named idiots left and disappeared. But this ONE, i find it hard to digest. My system is rejecting it wholly.

Thought I was stable enough to sit there, anticipating his coming. But, I crumble each time he makes his entrance. I feel sad. Felt sad that a person of his age and self-proclaimed maturity oust people he chase after JUST beacuse they could not be the potential wife. Sheesh~ That is life. Wait! That IS life~ But sad.

U preached open-mindedness. U preached sincerity. U preached being friends. Then you left, with an unnamed reason. U do not owe me anything though. But, my sadness is ,undeniably, evoked by your actions. Hark~ Well, played with fire? Nopes. I played mind-games? Nopes. I manipulated U into telling me many things? Nopes. I was human with U. I was actually human. *sighZ* Never mind.

Sad that U are like that.
I engulf myself in depression.
ShuckZ~
Hate this feeling...

***

Exams!
Bleargh!
Always feel that you have not studied enough though U have repetitively revised.

***

Thank U D's.
U made me smile yesterday.
Something was fulfilled yesterday.
I am, thus, contented...for now...
Thought I would not get that desire fulfilled ever...But it has been... Yesterday...
Thank u...

*winkZ*

he IS cute~
he: *kring-kring* alo...alo.... *smile* kan dah cakap tadik... (ten minutes later)... *kring-kring* alo... alo....kan dah cakap tadik... *laffs*

the phone keeps 'ringing' kring-kring...~!!!!

Hark!