pun~

Cannot stop.
You cannot stand to fight her.
Won't stop.
You can't say the words.
Please.
Please forgive me.
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up.
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one.
Isn't something missing?
You won't cry for my absence.
I know.
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice.
You won't try for me.
Not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me.
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
Please.
Please forgive me.
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself.
I breathe deep and cry out.
Isn't something missing?
And if I bleed.
I’ll bleed.
Knowing you don’t care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you.
I’ll wake without you there.
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something?

defunctional lunacy

What am I to do?
I am like one of those jugglers in the square.
I juggle with choices, with futures, with possibilities.
I must keep them all in the air at once.
My life at the moment is merely to juggle.
I please the crowd, I stay alive.
If I drop even one, the crowd will turn away from me in disappointment.
(I) was to choose.
But I cannot,
And so I juggle, the crowd laughs, I stay alive.

- Marcus Antonius

***

Bite my tongue as much as I am willed. Whilst the heart throb with pain. Balancing the need to let out angst and expressions between trying to rationalise that expectations are not ready to be laid above. Yet! Sitting quietly on a cushioned sedan, just outside the arena of occurences, I continue to observe. Sometimes, it is better to indulge your hand ONLY when necessary, though, it does not minus the fact that you already are deeply involved. There are many things that take whole and time-consuming considerations that only time could be the suitable determinant.

Bite my fingers as much I am willed. Not a question of easing the ego into a convenient place and let it grow. It is more of trying to give the person as much freedom required. Never suffocate. However, it is hard to gauge and determine how much freedom or taut is needed. Always juggling.

Bite as much as I am willed.

***

Do not get yourself immersed in radicality.
Cynicism and scepticism are the cushions for the wild heart.
Let reality be the torch to raze the road's end.
Thrill me.
First: Miss.
Second: Drawn to quech that thirst.
Third: Bowing and sighing infinitely. Sad? Nought. Disappointed? Nought.
Just do not feel like dancing to that tune.
The heart beats to the tunes of a rebellion.
It fights.
And I know not why.

*Sigh*

Never mind.

idiots~

Who says diving was easy?
Who says taking class 2a was easy?

A major punture on the ego that keeps me deflated for the past 2 weeks. I am a flattened, unblown chauvanism-driven lady that is currently lying flat on the road, allowing the stupid lorries to run her over.

Crash me!

Who says having an infatuation with a Super-Four would suffice to drive a person to pursue the privilege to ride?
Everything comes with a price.
And that.
With a tag of bruises on my right shin.
OUCH!
And that.
With a permanent label of 'minah-muscle' attached to my forehead.
Grr!

Who says?

Injected with an overwhelming amount of miss, everywhere I go, I see ONE face!
Sheesh!
Does the heart have to drive the mind to this sort of madness?
The mind can only take so much u know.
Yah-yah-yah.
This happens when the mind and the heart are two totally different entities that are always at loggerheads. And the outcome: I am torn in between. Account for this: I am the SOLE OWNER of them. And I am being bullied.

Story of my life.
*roll eyes!*

soft tendrils~

The body hungers for a human touch. It longs for the soft caress of fingertips. It yearns for the slide of soft lips across the skin. The feeling of skin upon skin. The bodily heat that is exchanged upon the lean of one to another. The embrace of lust, built upon love, catalyst by the body's hunger for the feed to quench the insatiable thirsty animalistic need. The eventuality of lust fired by the heart's need for the emotional feed.

Lust.
Built upon love.
OR!
Love.
Built upon lust.

***

I am a victim of my time
A product of my age
There was no choosing in my direction
I was a holy man but now
With all my trials behind me
I am weak in my conviction
And so I walk to try to get away
Knowing that someday I will finally have to face
The fear that would come from knowing that one thing I had left was you
And now you're gone

You are a victim of my crime
A product of my rage
You are a beautiful distraction
See, I get to lock away outside
And let misery provide
And now I am changed
And so I walk to try to find some space
There I can be alone to live my mistake
And the fear that would come from knowing that the one thing I had left was you
And now you're gone

Is there nothing at all
That I can do to turn your heart
Is there nothing to lean on
that could help you raise the start
And I could use a little strength before I fall
Is there nothing at all?

I am a victim of my time
A product of my age
You alone are my obsession
See you are the one I left behind
You've been heavy on my mind
It's been a lonely road I travel
And so I walk to try to get away
Knowing that someday I will finally have to face
The fear that would come from knowing that one thing I had left was you
And now you're gone

- Santana

***

Pricked by miss.
Yesterdays savour moments, cushioning the insatiable need to medicate the growing miss.
The eyes portray the depth of abyss.
Never could I imagine how deep.
The eyes are the windows of the soul.
Your soul makes me smile.
All you have to do is ask.
All you have to do is smile.
All you have to do, sometimes, is just to say nothing at all.

***

Play the time back for me as I plea that yesterday would never be label as the past.
Freeze the moment, and let me spend time in still, so that I could always be leaning in your arms.
Secure the day with heavied locks and boulder it to the present.
Sometimes, I wish time would just NOT past so fast.
Sometimes, I wish you would be here with me at all times.
Time crawls.
Time plays cruel tricks on the fluttering heart.
The fear of bore prevents leeching.
The need to medicate the miss drives the magnets to attract.

Seal me into the time chamber.
To force time to stay in the moment.
And just have you locked by my side.
And me to yours.

I am driven to the abyss of miss again.
Engulfed by the need to be lulled by one particular tunes.
Where is my jEstEr?
*blush-blush*

***

Love me.
THrill me.
Don't kill me.
U need me as much as I need you.

*smileZ*

Seandainya kau ada di sini dengan Ku
Mungkin Ku tak sendiri
Bayangan Mu yang selalu menemani Ku
Hiasi malam sepi Ku
Ku ingin bersama diri Mu
Ku takkan pernah berpaling dari Mu
Walau kini Kau jauh dari Ku
Kan selalu Ku nanti kerna Ku saying Kamu
Hati ini selalu memanggil nama Mu
Dengarlah melati Ku
Ku berjanji hanyalah untuk Mu cinta Ku
Takkan pernah ada yang lain
Adakah rindu di hati Mu
Seperti rindu yang Ku rasa
Sanggupkah k uterus terlena tanpa Mu di sisi Ku
Ku kan selalu menanti Mu

***

Sad that it happened.
Sad that such pronouncement was made.
Sad that the ladle was used by another to stir in more anarchial catalyst.
Sad.
Sad that such an end was chosen.
Sad.

***

250?
400?
Pain!
Heavy!
But fun and more fun.
Such power.
Ish.
Could see me literally drooling just now. Was so dazed by its power that I was concentrating more on playing with IT than to sharpen my skills. *sheesh*
*rubbing hands gleefully*

Just cannot wait to play with it again...

But left foot pain.
Kicking up and then kicking down.
*sheesh*

***

I miss.
I truly miss.
I miss terribly.
It jumps at mere thoughts injected by the miss-encapsulated heart.
The mind ponders over yesternite.
The nose wiggles at the brushed musky smell.
I miss.
The smile.
The look.
The eyes.
I miss.
I miss smiling.
I miss staring.
I miss looking at those eyes.
I miss.

Bleargh!
I yearn and forlorn for my miss to be quenched.

It jumps at mere thoughts.
Injected by the miss-encapsulated heart.
Catalyst by the reels of yesternites.
I miss.

wicked~

Life is wicked i tell.
Life is a contradiction.
Life is full of irony.
And Life sucks....
Sucks me dry...
Sucks big time...

But, Life made me meet U...
I am elated...Happy...
But sad also...

*sigh*

***

Nopes. My life has not changed.
I still have loads of time on my hands.
A matter of asking D's.
A matter of asking.
I guess it is U people who are busy spending your time elsewhere, whilst I am here waiting.
*HINT-HINT!*

incoherence

The sun shone above me, burning my skin; highlighting it with a tone of dark that razed it with a bronze shine. A huge barrier stood in front of me, and I was force to halt my journey. I look up only to realize, there in front of me, was a steep hill fortressed by a concrete wall. My heart jumped and my mind lingered. I turned dazed. I resorted to sitting at a corner, brought my knees to my chest and sat there pondering on how to overcome this.

Until now, I am set dazed.

How?

***

Have you ever come across a situation where you just cannot find the heart to say anything?
And all you can react to that situation is just by sighing...

SIGH!

SIGH!

SIGH!

U just have the energy to watch and SIGH.
Again and again and again you sigh.

SIGH!

SIGH!

And i just cannot say or express anything.
All I want to do is to heave sighs~

*sigh*

sigh...

I am vindictive. I am clad with a silent evil unexpected persona that defies almost all of what my looks had been portraying. I hid my claws underneath, revealing it only when circumstanced. I speak with a sharp daggered edge and hurl it at you only when necessary. When dormant, I lay quiet but extremely observant. I do not anger easily. Unfortunately, when evoked, lava flows never ending. And, disappointment do not come easy as well. I lay my expectations high, but, tagged it only to people who deserve. Thus, such labels usually befit the person.

Humans will always be humans. Thus, to err is human. Machines glitch. Humans too. *sigh* It is better to leave me angered than to have me disappointed. Right at this very moment, I am extremely disappointed. With this, my heart is shrouded with utmost sadness. Not depression though. Just am extremely sad and disappointed.

I cannot speak much because I do not feel like speaking anything. I am just too disappointed. I do not want to talk about it because I am just too sad. I am not purposely hiding behind a bubble of denial. The extreme disappointment and sadness just prove itself to be convenient sealants that corked my tongue; just the way its meant to be.

Just disappointed.
My heart hurts.
I have promised myself to not to be pricked with further pain.
Unfortunately, it was exploited to more pain.
Thus, tears fell.
Torrents flood my mind.
I am tired.
I am disappointed.

*sigh*

Doth not unto others what thou doth not want to be doth unto you.
Be fair.

dun ask~

Just don't ask.
I asked.
Politely, I asked.
I don't get it.
Not that I am asking for the sake of wanting to get what I want.
But!
Bleargh!
Just don't ask.
It is not as if I am going to get what I want.
Be it asking for it politely or not!
Just stop asking...

Keeping the silent allegiance might just pay off.
Grr!!!!!!!!
Bleargh!

poised~

Holding onto a scroll of unknown script, I walk on the road of uncertainties. Encrypted with the emblem of life, I held onto it with an overwhelming amount of protect. Why was the question that keep throbbing in the core of my skull. As I walked on, the road was glowing with transcripts that I found uncannily recognizable. Further I strolled, images and phantoms floated around me, whispering familiar words.

& I would ask only three times. & I would ask no more.

***

Di kala Ku kesepian
Dihanyut ombak nan runsang
Kau mengubati kerinduan
Di kala Ku keresahan
Dihanyut malam nan kelam
Kau menerangi hidup Ku

Kini segala nyata berubah
Cinta Mu hanya memori indah
Ku ditinggal kesepian pilu hati Ku

Kembalilah kepada Ku
Selamilah jiwa ini yang terluka
Ikatan kita berdua
Sayangilah diri ini
Belailah jiwa nan sepi
Kelayuan dedaun nan keguguran
Dahanan kerapuhan bunga-bunga cinta layu di pusara

Di kala Ku kerinduan
Dihembus alunan pilu
Ku tatapi wajah diri Mu
Di kala Ku keseorangan
Dihanyut asmara cinta
Kau membelai jiwa Ku ini

Hanya satu Ku dipinta dari Mu
Hargailah cinta kita
Gelora menikam jiwa ini
Berlanggar di hati
Deraian cinta yang suci

***

Everything in life happened for a reason. Be it a reason that we would/might/should/could accept and embrace due it being bitter/sweet/baleful/expected, the reason, which was purposely/accidentally evoked/invoked/prompted, was for the sole purpose for us to learn. How we are now was not a product of instant augmentation. All was either innate or nurtured from young. One’s present actions, undeniably, are usually the after-effect/astringed of the past. Therefore, can one truly and solely blame the present for whatever decisions/designated actions that one has decided to do? Can one truly believe that things that they see are truly as what they have been seen to be? Or water runs deeper than we realize?

A seed was sowed. The seed is then babied with enough fertilizers, water and sunshine. In addition, enough personal space was given as well so as to provide just enough room for it to rise up proper. For a tree to form a healthy canopy and to bear healthy and sweet fruits, one has to feed it with the right nutrients and vitamins. With this, as years go by, the roots formed might be strong enough to hold its weight until the tree ages and wilts. And when the clock struck at the right moment, its wilt would result in natural decomposition and healthy new trees, from its fruits, would be planted and sowed.

Humans are like trees.

Anywhere, in the growing of trees, if the proper process is interrupted/intervened/clad with unorthodox methods/smeared with redundant indulgence/shrouded with ignore", it would result inunhealthy roots/weak branches/sour fruits/dry bark/yellow leaves/small canopies/short heights. Wrong fertilizers, vitamins and nutrients might even result in premature fatality. Too much rain might drown its seeds. Too much sunshine might result in unnecessary premature and undesired wilting.

Humans are like trees.

But then again, how much of water, sunshine, fertilizers, vitamins and nutrients is gauged as truly enough and real? It truly depends on who, how and what the person is; what the family background of the person is, how the person was brought up, who brought the person up and to whom is the person is attached to. Again, the issue of whom and what the environment of the person is surrounded with also plays a part.

Life in itself is a contradiction.
Life is complex.
Life in itself is full of irony.
Life in itself is a product of dominos.

Humans are like trees.

Hence!
If a leaf drops prematurely and yellows while falling onto the ground,
Would YOU:

1) blame the branch that is weak which causes the leaves to not have enough grip" on it?
2) the ants that happened inhibit on the tree and happened to bite and loose the leaf?
3) the bark that is dry due to insufficient water supply?
4) the water that is not enough because the farmer was too poor to get the water supply?
5) the farmer who was too poor?
6) overfed sunlight?
7) God for giving an overwhelming amount of natural resources?
8) the insufficient fertilizers, vitamins and nutrients which result in the tree being weak?
9) the roots that are not strong enough?
10) the seed for being too weak to bloom into a healthy beautiful tree?

OR

11) all of the above?

Then, can one truly conclude that a person is as what you think he is? As what he is seen to be? Simply put, can one just brush off another person and snatch the opportunity to prove his worth just upon one incident that U thought was offensive and irritating? With that, U selfishly conclude things as it is and see things only as how U want it to be. U purposely entrapped Urself into this bubble of ignorance and use stupidity as a weapon to end it. With that, U tickle yourself with what U thought that person does as stupid and humiliate the person as much as U could possibly could.

Stupid IS as stupid does.

What is it that is in U, that U have gauged as something far greater than the next person sitting next to U, that U have used as a weapon to strengthen UR self-proclaimed right to judge another person as stupid and lower than U are? What gives U the right to humiliate that person and put that person lower than U already are? What or who has molded U with the principles and has fed U into a two-faced, judgmental and big-headed monster that has bagsful of angst, sorrow, a heart that is blinded, selfish and fortressed with concrete, eyes that is intended and forced not to ever see in another’s perception but only URS, ears that filter to intake ONLY what U want to hear, a mouth that birth only words that are hurtful and stabbing to the person in front/next/beside U and a brain that is throbbing with only evil words awaiting to be sprayed onto the layman next to U?

No one owes the other anything. Life is not filled with obligations until U give the permission for it to be as such. Life is not complex until U permit it to be. Do not embalm another with redundant labels and obligations just based upon UR own self-proclaimed judgments.

Do not doth onto others what thou doth not want to be doneth onto thou.
If U think U are great, there is always someone greater.
U are but nothing in this world.

Think.

***

Dalam keheningan disiram sang bayu
Ombak keresahan di bawah bulan nan sayu
Bahtera cinta Mu menghembus nafas rindu
Melayari ke alam percintaan dua insan
Di dalam benua apa erti cinta
Ku terperangkap di dalam manisan katamu

Pabila Engkau pergi jua hilang sinar obor cinta
Cahaya cinta mulia kini tinggal sisa asmara
Diri ini masih tercari-cari jawapan
Mengapa harus terjadi perpisahan pergolakan
Daku duga kini api cinta yang membarakan
Kedinginan kehampaan tanpa diri Mu

Usah Ku menunggu jawapan dari Mu
Apakah dosa Ku Kau sisir bagai hempedu
Lirikan asmara bagai dihiris luka
Rahsia dibelenggu terhanyut di puncak rindu

***

Bring your friends close.
BUT
Bring your enemies closer.

Life does not change in an instant. There are the designated times at which a certain thing is supposed to be done. Thus, the concept of do not rush into things. Train the heart into a patient organ. There is made available the concept of the heart and the mind being divided into two different entities which, without fail, would be at loggerheads.

As my dad always would say: think with the heart, not much with the mind because the mind is evil and the heart would be the one organ, if you have trained it well enough, would encompassed you to the path of righteousness because it has been dressed with sincerity, truth and faith. The mind cheats.

Believe in yourself.
Be true to yourself.
Be honest.

What we do in life would echo into eternity. There is no use in trying to cheat your way through life. One digs to cover an already dug hole. And everywhere that one goes, all he would be doing is to dig another hole to use that dirt to cover a previously dug hole. How much digging can one do in life? Undeniably, in life, there would be much cheating, lying and infidelity. The issue is not to question how to deny those existences, but how to minimize the happenings and degree of such redundancies.

One action would/might be the catalyst of another cause and effect. One should be careful in making the right moves. If there ever is an occurrence of a wrong, the only way to go about doing things proper is not the hide the wrong but to face the wrong and rectify the already wrong-resulted matter. To deny the wrong and to further indulge in a resulted built-lie so as to hide the wrong would just trace and outline ridicule in one’s character. A flaw that would instantly and automatically glow. How to hide a glow? *sheesh* Glows have that trail that just cannot be erased…

Do take the actions of another as a lesson learnt. Try as much to not repeat the same mistakes.

Learn.
Life is a never ending tutorial.
It is just that there is no ONE tutor. There are many. All it takes is for one to open his eyes, ears and heart to the world. Orang baik, SEMUA sayang!

Ikhlas.

***

Indah masanya kita berdua
Tulus kata-kata yang bermakna
Gugur dedaun nan masa cinta
Sedih setelah diri Mu pergi
Titis airmata yang mengalir
Tidak kenalikan Kau di sini
Rasa telah jauh Ku susuri
Jalan yang pernah kita lalui bersama Mu kasih
Tiada lagi ucapan mesra tika Kau di sisi Ku
Dan hangatnya niat Mu mengguris di jiwa di kala siang beradu
Melabuhkan tirai masa sendirianlah diri Ku tanpa sinaran Mu
Mendunglah hati Ku ini kedukaan kesunyian
Pedih marah yang mencengkam menghukum hati ini
Indah yang Aku sangkakan lamanya pergi
Kedinginan Aku kesuraman tanpa cinta Mu

Biar Aku simpan semua ini
Demi kesucian kasih murni
Mungkin tercapai jua hasrat Ku
Andainya cinta Aku temui
Di akhir nan nanti…

Careless whispers lure careless touches birthing careless embraces. Simple yet complex, I unravelled my inners, re-opening the old wound and exposing it, again, to the rough winds and lacerating grounds. The walls of protect, I purposely crumble, so as to let you in. I see you as my knight in shining armor. As careful as I was, I sung the careless words to the tune of one nonchalant humor which, unfortunately, you wear as a shield to pull yourself away.

Aren’t you aware that it was hard to re-open what was locked?
Aren’t you aware that it was hard to trust with the potentiality that you could lull my heart to peace?
Aren’t you aware that my mind thinks of you and my heart sing tunes of your lull?
Only your lull…
I have been swept…
Though I never could utter the words of fall…
I have fallen deep into the abyss of the unknown that was surrounded only by the tunes of your whispers…

But then again, it is not about me…

*sigh*
I embraced you into my heart and rest you upon my heart’s cushions…
I caress your forehead with my infatuated touches…
I plant seeds of kisses onto your cheeks…
Though I never say the words…
Though I never say the words…
I have fallen deep into the abyss of the unknown that was surrounded only by the tunes of your whispers…

But then again, it is not about me…

*sigh*
It is not too late to pull yourself away…
Lure me with your simplicity…
Make me fall…
Only to make my heart crumble onto the lacerating ground where I try to drag myself to stand again…

But then again, it is not about me…

***

Why is it that people are always governed with the need to nose themselves in redundant indulgence? Why?

The idea of people getting together is, in itself, a tedious process. The actioning of the process into practical means is also another tardy boulder to climb. People were pained and daggered by the idea. Why? The pedestal have always been there. It is solely a matter of one person finding enough courage and determination to put another on that high. Thus, why, when another successful candidate manages to dig deep and bring out the unthinkable, people cateyedly stare with extreme green and red?

It is sad to observe what goes on around I.
It is also sad to hear what comes to my ears.
It is even more depressing to see to what extent people's reactions were.
Have never been harbouring the intention to hide.
Neither do I intend to use not-telling as a compass.
But, I'd rather they find out themselves.
Sad that when they do, they harbour such hate...*sigh*

***

Different...

I have always used 'different' as the title of my life. To a certain extent, I would like to drive my life into a direction different from others. Not that I am belittling those with those typical lives (but then again, what is truly common and typical aye?). I just want to do things that are different. *sigh* Sometimes, being and wanting to stay different, somehow, has its after-tolls....

***

Bad-nature

Belligerent

Difficult

Complaining

Cranky

Unreasonable

Good-nature

Pleasant

Cheerful

Agreeable

Happy

Warm

I do not agree to something. I do not like the looks of things. But I see no use or value in putting up a fight. Not a matter of being ensured of a battle of total lost, but a matter of considering that it is highly ridiculous to rely on pettiness to be used as a reason to evoke a fight. Total nonsense. Thus, I used silence as a way to just listen. First, to ease and calm myself down from erupting over a totally small matter. Second, to just self-rationalise that whatever had happened is not worth to be used as a compass for a fight. I stay silent...

Thus, silence belongs to good-nature or bad-nature?

***

What you view as mediocre might just be the key to cause a slump to another...
What you view as ridiculous might just be the tool to twist open the mind of another to rationale...
What you view as stupidity might just be a mirror reflection of what you were...

Be careful...
Never judge...
Well, at least try not to judge with prejudice and biasness...

***

I do apologise for the ultra late reply and entry to my blog. It is all due to the incapacitance of my ownself not having internet access. My computer's modem is down and has been down for the past few months. And, truly, I do not quite see the need to boot its modem anytime soon...unless someone is willing to help me on this...*hint-hint* Anyways, for those who has my number...just contact me through there, just in case I am not able to reply to any of ur taggies...

Mish ya peeps...
Truly...

Signing off...
Minah-Muscle...

Euw...that actually tastes horrible to proclaim....
*laffZ*

***

Dedicated to my D's...

yes-yes Darleens. We shall organize a coli-less-bunking-in night at one person's place one day. Well, opened to only those who wear coliZ in the day. If those who are not reliant on coliZ to keep support, may join also. Instead of being coli-less, you people be coliED, can? hehhehe....

Anyways, ACUL aka ACIK aka tak-tau-aper-lagi-namer-samaran-kau, TOLONG AKU anuhkan modem aku ah....PREASH!!!!

*hugZ*