::..rolled..::

i am sick. i have been sick for the past year. well, mentally i am not diagnosed as having a mental illness. physically, i am well. you'd see me as a robust, big and tall lady. some even label me as a very muscular lady. the broad shoulders just adds on to the emblem of 'muscle -lady' to many. you would not think me as someone who is unwell. but, i am. have been for the past year. it comes and goes.

i do wonder why, until this day, why such things had befallen me. what have i done to deserve such. it hurts you know. love sick? not entirely. heart problem? not really. choked arteries. *touch wood* it's a sickness that's hard to describe. in malay, penyakit batin. you know?

i remember vividly, about less than a year ago, i would have these sudden panic attacks that people i love are going to leave me. bad panic attacks that left me crying suddenly. high fevers that come only when the sun was setting. the nightmares. the yearns. the sorrow. the depression. such things hurt me physically and emotionally. with that, i have to shoulder by myself. Ba kept saying," you have got to fight this. no one can help u, really. we can support, but you got to fight." *shucks*

it really does not help the amount of emotional turmoil that i was going through. in malay, dah jatuh ditimpa tangga. it was so hard u know. my room was filled with recitations everyday. i'd cry myself to sleep every night. and i would wake up suddenly at 2am, crying. then i would mantera myself to sleep. it was hard, very hard.

i did ask," will i recover fully?" and the answer is," no. it is an innate illness. the only thing you can do is control." my heart dropped. a tear dropped. i knew i was going to lose many things. many things that i was not willing to lose. simply because they were not easy to find.

have faith many say. not easy. it is unbelievable that in this modern age, such things still do exist. *sigh* have love in your heart. how to? i lost mine. simultaneously, my heart was crushed to pieces. scattered in many pieces; uncountable. too painful to count.

"cushion my fall." i keep praying. i was not. i fell hard, on spikes and sharpened boulders. i was pierced deep. i am hurt, even until today, beyond repair. many see me and they sensed the difference. i am not as happy as before. how to? i don't know how. help? how can you help? it is my battle. right? when you are this hurt, you see everything bleak. not that you refuse to see the light, you just cannot bring yourself to look up. too painful.

nobody had ever broke me. whatever i went through before, i took as lessons and learn from there. it was not easy then. but in relative to this, those were peanuts. wait! cardamoms are better. smaller.

not that i do not want to get over, it is hard. what is not hard, you would ask. i would answer: nothing. how would you react if the person you love so much, say in your face that he hates to see you or to hear your voice? how would you feel? how would you react? wat would you do?

it is easy for people to say: move. i am tired. very tired. i pant looking at life. at my life. it is not pathetic. it is just sad. sigh.

people cheat, yes. people lie, yes. i have been lied to, cheated upon. many stuffs i was undeservedly given. how does it feel? it hurts big time. for those who have your loved ones still by your side, cherish? yah. i hope you do. cos, i lost mine though i cherish him more than my life. i saw a diamond. i saw it being mine. i don't know how and why. but i saw it mine. *crying*

as what someone had said to me before," he left me, aidah. but my heart refuses to oblige. i don't know why. the many before him, i could just pack and leave. this one. i am not budging. not that i don't want to. i cannot. i do not why." all i did was smile. i know that hurt. i turned to my right and teared.

..::phew::..

have you ever lay on your bed, with nothing in your mind, but will just end up tearing because your heart is literally breaking? have you ever sat in a corner, busying your mind with other matters, only to hear your heart sigh? have you ever, suddenly, moan and a tear fall from the corner of your eyes and hear your heart shouting in pain? have you ever?

***

have not met any of my Ds much. well, they are pretty much busy with their lives. I am busy with tuition. Not to mention work. Work isn't much of a mind-brainer. It is the clearing and waiting for people to give a 'GO' that is a hassle. people just do not understand the meaning of doing things the right way here.

anyways, I miss my bestfriend. yah, met her about a month ago. but i miss her still. things are different i figured, with her having a hubZ and a 'little' pwincess. got to learn to loosen things up a bit i guess. but i do not deny i miss her. very much indeed.

i mish my Ty-D. i guess the words she read (which i really dun mind her reading. not to mention that i did not take into account that it would hurt her) on the msn-window might the spark of a slight drift. well, as they say, a little rift might cause things to never be the same. aye? now, i don't remember why i said those words. there were concrete reasons you know. hmm...it just takes to know what they were. nvm.

i mish my Sha-D. though she gets on my nerves sometimes, I miss her so. Her tummy and her chubZ enlightens my life. really. though her mindset sometimes is ascrewed, well, she adds spice to my life. something different as they say.

***

i do find life unfair. when things were so good, and i do not require a certain presence, he was always there to cause a rift. now that things are not good, maybe good on that presence's side, he is never here. i just find life funny.

***

I have this new mantera now. Life has never been different. For the past 23 years, it has stagnantly been the same. been alone, done things alone. people come and go, many breaking my heart along the way. only one significant person really broke me. well, until now, I am helplessly broken. Just trying very hard to trudge carefully along the gravel path. Trying to not lacerate and tear myself open any further. But, ultimately, life has never been much different.

I have always been this rational and level minded person. A person who does things according to what the heart directs her too. Not so much of being ultra emotional (imagine a bitch on a power-trip. screaming to everyone she sees.i only do that during training though). More to following hunches. My hunches has, on the average, been a good compass. I hope, now, it still is.

Dad always say that I have always been trying to find answers in things. Like 'why this?' or 'why that?'. Never could I accept graciously that sometimes things are just IS. Susah? Maybe due to my background of self-indulging in maths. Everything has proper steps which leads to proper answers. So, is this a virtue or a curse?

I depict irrationality for immaturity. I depict extreme emotional behaviours for eccentricity. I cannot stand stupid people. but i can accept them in my life, with fences. i judge people? i guess everyone does. maybe someone assumed i judged her, in that she judged me in judging her, and that caused her to move away. with that, she pulled many people with her. well...you cant fight them, join them? i cannot be bothered to fight. so, i just walk away.

i have always kept my end of the bargain, making sure that i do my bit. at least try. i believe strongly in karma: what goes around, comes around. it is just a matter of time. and i am very much afraid of retribution. just sad that many do NOT do their end. certainly, i cannot par others to myself. i am not someone great. it suffices to just know that i am also human. as much as you are hurt, by what you thought i had done, maybe i am too by you. maybe more. as what my bestfriend had said," levels are not relative. can never compare."

i am just doing what i do best. sitting at a corner, licking my wounds. with the best way i know how: by keeping quiet. not that i am egoistical to look for you. but the question is: you dun wana see me, dun wana hear my voice, dun wana know of my existence, then what makes you think i have the assurance that you might want me to call you? women are contradicting, yes? well, it is time to act mature and know that humans equate body language to your intentions. though women inverts body language with intentions.

people judge you by your actions. not your intentions. that you have to be careful.

sometimes, you do things for people unconditionally. but, humans being humans, the heart can only take so much. once hurt, the unconditional becomes a burden. as what i have said," i feel used and cheated. and i have come to the point where i feel that she was using me to be stronger." sad? disappointed? sore. i feel that much pain cos i actually invested feelings. cant deny that you might feel the same. quid pro quo then.

as i have said to someone," all i want is for you to be happy: with the things you do, with the people around you and the life that you lead. all i want is for you to be happy." if it takes for you to hurt me so as for you to be happy, then go on. the best person to remedy my heart is: myself. people know how to hurt me. not many know how to pacify me. not many.

you go hurry along and play in your pasture. will just stand by, near the fence, making sure u dun see me,so as to watch over you. i do. only you people have no idea. (good thing lah kan. as big as i am, i am able to make myself to not be seen. *winkZ*)

***

my pwincess love to belek my face (as if it is a toy yang aneh sekali. yelah, Umi kau muka berbopeng pe. =P) with her saliva-coated hands. then she would press my cheeks together and then baby-talk. according to her Mama, she was saying," shut up Umi!!!" [note: i was pulling everything she has her hands on because she wanted to place everything in her mouth. to bite of course.]

my wallpaper has this face of hers: senyum from ear to ear, BOGEH. with her almond-eyes closed and TEMBAM-ing her cheeks. every morning, i switch on the computer, her face is there. Without fail, she would make me smile. thank you.

my prince, name Irfan, has this habit when he sees me: look at me. not stare hard. just look. i would always beri-salam and then he would give me that i-know-you-look and then smile. i would kiss him after, and then he would give me the okie-Chichik-has-just-kissed-me-look. Yah. I am an UMI to one pwincess. But a Chichik to a prince. Kherkher...

this prince of mine is very manja. he has this habit of people talking to him whenever he is alone. he would respond. really. with gooS and gaaS. at his age of 3 months, that is considered very fast u noe. well, i love to nuzzle my nose on his whenever he feels sleepy. and he would nuzzle back. he would giggle and smile. and still goo-ING and gaa-ING.very smart boy.

Lights of my life...