people often laughed at the fact that i was ever fat. they never thought it was possible to drop half my body weight and be what i am today. truthfully and honestly, 6 years ago, i myself never thought such a thing was possible. ever. secret to this? there is no secret. just alot of heart wrenches and uncalled games that often tributes the mind into closing the need to eat. it totally eradicates the appetite. believe it or not. it also proves to be a catalyst to search for outlets to pump-out: hyper pump-out and nothing pumped in equates to a thinner me.
people often ridicule the fact: with beauty, lies an uncount line of suitors. i beg to differ. 6 years ago, i am always in the awe for those who are so called pretty [as labeled by society]. maybe their lives are very much more bestowed with more attention and gleam. yah. attention. being here, now, i feel that there is nothing special. really. more attention, yes. more heart pain. more unwanted attraction that often goes array.
people often ridicule the fact: heart pain alone cannot be so painful to help surge any changes. i beg to differ. again. 6 years ago, sparks the beginning of that lesson learnt. the hard wayS. i have been through the tests of the mind versus the physical: i grew thin. the mind, the emotions and the heart just cannot come to a common standpoint. with that, the body often suffers. until now.
i have been through the tests of friendship. hey! WE went through shit! Ask her! THE besh-besh. personified SHIT that is. now? test of faith. MY own test. i am alone. really. lonely, yes. but more alone. i do not quite mind the lonely-part. it is the shoulder-everything-on-my-own part that is heavy. too many things happening. all at the same time. too many torrents. too strong that it sweeps my grounds.
i use to have the ntu library to hide; i could curl on the sit and hide behind the blinds, whilst watching people walking by. i did that because i was running away. running away from him. i felt prowled. sad. i felt hunted. anyways, the need to find a corner in the library and shut myself is my opted mechanism to heal: hiding and shutting everyone away. i did. i lost many friends. on the under side, i did gain more from the ones who stayed: we became closer. well, you lose some, you gain some. aye?
i use to have dikir barat to distract myself: a means of temporary yet good euphoria. pushed myself to the limit. full of politics. hey, it is healthy to have some controversy once in a while. well, to dabble in bad to playfully test how good u are.
to know how well a man stands, is not to test him in times of happiness, it IS to judge him in times of hardship and controversy. nonetheless, things turned out alright. i healed. at least a part of me. i turned more quiet though. i evolved into a deeper thinker. a good thing? a bad thing?
i have one outlet, which my mother often strained her eyes at : clubbing. you know, the feel to be surrounded by darkness and loud music just for distraction. a man told me this last sat: 'here, you are to enjoy. so dance. you can worry about things when you go home. so dance!' he unfolded my arms and tried to get me to dance, which i did. for a while. after that, i stopped. i closed my eyes and tried to reach THAT high. i lost THAT high. THAT high which equates to losing myself in the music and just let loose. i lost myself i guess.
those places reminds me. it leaves a trail of crumbs that leads me back to my low. sad. the place i often seek for a high, the only ONE place that i know that could lead me to a high so as to run away from my past woes, leads me back to my present low. i am lost. where else to get that euphoria?
now. i don't have much. dikir barat was let go. school? starting soon. but not in ntu. i miss ntu, you know. its surroundings. the place is very peaceful and quiet, if you observe it well enough. there are many hide-outs i found, many passes and unknown places. these i have used as means to run away: to snake my path away from him. my life was that hunted. or maybe i make it seem to be? better to be safe than sorry. maybe because he has always been asking around for me. he asked to those i know. it eventually wafts to thine ears. so, i ran. take the bull by the horn? this bull, i don't want to tame. just d.o.n.'.t want to.
what else? the only high i get now is when i go riding. it sets my mind into focus: trying to deviate the why's and how's in my life. always trying to talk myself into sense and logic. a bad habit though. orang tua kata, kalau mengamalkan tabiat bebual sendiri, nyanyuk would set in when old age comes.
so how?
write things down?
but then again, isn't it the same?
you speak [write] to yourself.
*confused*
***
with greater good, comes heavier trials. with this, i daringly announced that I am lost. dreams. dreams are often what we make them to be. right? if dreams snake into your slumber and leaves only perturbants, what do these dreams entail to? i had many dreams last year: 2006. too many dreams that made me go crazy. hey, i may be hurt, i am never crazy. not that loco la. but these same dreams plagued me. why? for what? why me? tawakal dan redha? if HE has sets the paths for you and have shown you in those dreams, which you have seeked to be presented, then life would slowly move that way. right? wrong? *shrugZ*
dreams link to many unwanted life consequences. it usually is a fine personification of what the realistic world might be and probably happened. my dreams? it plagues me. i walked around, lost. or maybe, unsearching. how to find an answer? things are just not what it seems to be. they are totally different. it makes me more confused than ever.
if only you know how i feel with what has been going on, maybe you could rub my shoulder and cry with me. try to ease my pain. i am literally screaming inside. 'God works in mysterious ways' - that i have long concluded. 'God scares the shits out of me' - that, too, i have learnt to keep in mind. 'God throws a curved ball at me often' - this i very much agree as well.
'God would give trials and tribulations to those who can' - my question is: can i? my life is hard. doing this
alone is hard. i do not know what to do anymore. maybe i should leave EVERYTHING the way it is. probably the best way to do things. i want to un-know him. i want to un-know the people stringed to him. i want to totally eliminate them from my heart. i want to totally make him disappear from my heart and my thoughts. i just want to be a stranger. stranger to everyone i know.
'God present to those who wants to see' - i did? his past. his present. and maybe his future. all has been thoughtfully and nicely linked. all these, laid beautifully and properly infront of me. if it was wrapped in a box and tied with a pink ribbon, i might just be sceptic and cynical enough to not open it at all. i might keep the pink ribbon though. i love pink ribbons *grinZ*. anyways, i do not want to dabble in things i do not want to know. i really do not want to know all those. but, really, do i have a choice? ALL were laid infront of me. ALL happened when i am still this low and hurt. so? what should or ought i do with the pieces of information? i don't know. sometimes, there is really nothing to do about it. aye? as what a fren had said: 'things like this are always on fyi-basis. there is a reason why HE wants us to know. HE would piece it all together for you, one day. you have got to just be patient.'
'move on' - many keep mantera-ing this in my ears. my qn to U is: what is your best method and best definition of moving on? some never moved on, though they packaged their lives otherwise. the last thing i need is to personify my life as such and walk on a pretentious path, so in so many would pat me in the back and say," hey! you're back!" for what? once hurt, there is a scar. u can never pretend that the scar is not there. you can choose to ignore. but it will never go away. i have a burnt scar. on my right hand, middle finger. that was a mark, from him. accidental, but it is there. an emblem. never can go away. so how to move on? never.
'living and getting used to the hurtful reality' - this, i am opting for my path to the future. call me crazy. call me unsound. call me lost, which i already am. what do i have to lose? i have lost him. he is not everything. but he is everything that i want, cliched as this sounds. but he is gone. so? i'll just sit here and mooped? he is never going to come back, so i'd just go about doing things on my own, which i often do.
one thing that i still find very difficult to cope with: his past had been laid and linked. ever so nicely, infront of me. how freaky all these are turning out to be. it makes me think deep. i tire myself by thinking.
this, i can't help.
i can't even help myself.
i am not losing hope.
i have just lost myself.
regret?
yah.
key: do not ever ask.
cause if you get it, you'll never know whether you can handle it.
i didn't ask. i still can't handle such a reality.
if being good, comes with such heavy trials such as these, i would have opted to be bad. really. then my life would not have been marked with so much demons and pain. at least, maybe, i'd be happier.
