i linger in the doorway
of alarm clocks screaming, monsters calling my name
let me stay where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

in my field of paperflowers
and candy cloud of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me flowers

don't say i'm out of touch
with this rampant chaos: your reality
i know i well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
the nightmare i built my own world to escape

swallow up in the sound of my screaming
cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
The Goddess of imaginary light

***

there are contradictory teachings that many have tried to etch onto me. there is:
1. it is the intention that counts
2. it is the action that impacts the most. this is the determinant for the flow of seen intentions

try as i may, i have incensed my path with many good deeds. some deeds' intentions were obvious. with that, come many unexpected pats on my back, rubs on my head or well-wish kisses on my cheeks. most have their benevolent intentions under the covers. only the actioner is aware of why such a thing happened and what the real intention was. this usually does not welcome much applause. it is usually an open-invite to more hate-mongers.

good begets good.
bad begets bad.
then what about the misunderstood?

i did send the 'thing' with an open-heart and the mindset of 'whatever is to happen, will happen'. i am just sowing my reaps? those weren't my seeds. in other words, those weren't supposed to be my reaps. but if i am judged as THE farmer, and he is adamant in thinking of me as such, then i am circumstanced to embrace that. though obviously unwilling...

***

i am ultimately a child. being a quart of a century does not determine that i have seen life in the eye. i merely have heard its breaths lingering near me. not much. just wafts.

no one can actually master the ways of life. the consistency in life is inevitably its inconsistency. with that, no matter the level of anticipation and practice, nothing will be able to prepare us for any oncoming wave. with that, no one can master life. no one. we are on a roller-coaster ride. an already-paid unanticipated roller-coaster ride...

maturity and experience are subjective. it is also relative. aye? my qn is: what right does anyone have to shove this statement in my face -> this is life. how unlife is life? how alive is life? how would you know? what gratifies you the chance to loudly claim that life IS life?

no, i do not know what really is life. i have a life. this is my life. to generalise this and to normalize other peoples' life as mine, is just being prejudiced and judgemental. personally, it is incorrect. politically incorrect.

***

i have always believed the introduction to anything is extremely important. how one starts a conversation will determine whether the flow of things get off from a good or bad start.

with such, do not accuse me of anything. your assumptions are correct. and the accusations are partly true. but the introduction and presentation to the whole thing was wrong. with that, i shielded and played with your mind instead. i have a right to decide whether to condone or not.

you may or might probably have labeled me a coward simply because you feel that for every dissatisfaction should be accompanied with a confrontation for truth. i feel that by keeping quiet [not denying or admitting to any goddamned accusations of yours] is just my way of being gracious enough to not feed wood to fire. a clash of beliefs and principles.

you issued a warning. i thank you for being kind enough to give me that.
you accused me of talking behind your back and snooping. that i did mention that i did not.
you accused me of telling the whole world about you. i had told a maximum of 6 people. that is the whole world?

what is the use of keeping my number? either in your mind or your heart?
i have plummet from the wings that you given me to the lowest depth of hate in your heart. i bear no more possible losses. though this is not a game of win, lose or draw, i have been sadly stamped low with nothing else to lose. i know i am here to stay, in this low of a deep labyrinth.

redha...
i'm trying...

i have always believe that there are two sides to many things in the world. entirely fair, it is only suitable to say ALL things in life are tinged with their alter-egoS or nemesis: a good side and a bad side. where there is good, there is always a bad stringed to it. life just comes in a balance. believe you me, it's just a natural balance to normalise and neutralise what cannot be explained.

recently, i have read a blog entry which disturbed me. well, it had caused my eye to twitch and my heart to jump a bit [come to think of it, what doesn't have such effects on me?]. anyways, the disturbed-factor was unrealisingly inseminated due to the fact that MOI fits the bill -> i am a single, attractive [relative and subjective] and successful lady who owns her own ride. yes, her own bike. i do spend late nights. and i have my own preferred collection of enjoyable hobbies that is almost inlined with many other individuals my age. with that unsaid requirement filled, i am automatically labeled!

with such non-typical hobbies, comes the stereotyped mindset -> such women are generally deemed as immoral and have bad attitudinal habits of which does not accompany good companionship traits or good-wife-habits. though it is obvious that men from such a 'world' is also seen as such, the negative weights happened to just slide more onto the ladies' side. rather, the weights are conveniently put there; probably intentionally done to make OUR lives a little more tedious than it already is.

i do agree to a certain extent that some of them might entirely be as low as society said them to be. but you have to agree that even WITHOUT vehicles [owned and paid from their own salary], both THE men and THE women have successfully attained such bad traits.

'minahS' or 'matS' (as they are mostly being labeled) does not really have healthy habits or a good image pasted on them. kudos to them, malays ARE and have been labeled the slightly under-achievers of the society here. [in actual fact, even in the country across the causeway. that is another story altogether.] but not ALL are like that.

yes, we have time at our own disposal.
yes, we can ride as fast and as far and as long as want to.
yes, we are independent. maybe even more emotionally secure than some men.
yes, we have weird habits.
yes, some of us have achieved MORE than our own male-halves.
yes, some of us do realized that our personal achievements might overshadow and rise society's face-valued expectations on us.
yes, some of us do know how to clean, cook and wash.
so why such bad tags?

i do agree on this: kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga.
i also have to highlight that i am still disturbed.

one thing's for sure: people are always going to label people like me as such. in that, they will never stop. an individual can only do so much. i guess the best way is just to ignore and act indifferent. the best revenge is: to actually feel and act indifferent. reach that Zen-level.

trying...

susah-susah dahulu, senang-senang kemudian
OR
senang-senang dahulu, susah-susah kemudian

it seems the latter happens to reign more in life.

someone brought forth a very simple yet deep statement yesterday.
dunia nie banyak pementasan.
true. i very much agree.

***

i am selective in the people i meet. rather, many deem it as choosy. yes, i do not really know who you are, how you work or where you work. your opinion, truly, does not have any weight on me. your existence does not matter to me either. i simply do not want you anywhere near my direct circle of friends.

stop instigating the idea of being close. call me judgemental. you have certainly pull the bad lever on me. yes, i do not have a good impression of you. hate me if you want. you'd just join the many before you.

i'd rather stop the circle at her. maybe, if i feel like expanding, i'd open up. i might be missing out on a lot of things though. so leave me be. you cannot please everyone. you sure cannot try everything in the world. right?

have fun.

***

you'd either
hate me
OR
love me

no greys.

***

people actually come here to read?
hey! nothing interesting to read lei.

*rolled eyes*

clogged.
i tilt my head to the right, hoping it would slide the brain that way. hoping it might inject some rationale into what is going on.
i til my head to the left, hoping the brain would slide that way too. hoping it might just knock some sense into what is going on.

nikmatnya lies when the person gives when you dun expect any returns at all.

yah. i prefer to just give and not take. because i am a certified cynist and sceptic. i'd rather do good for and to people. people do good to me, i'd rudely question. that twinkle. only a mere recognizes that twinkle.

she gave. i received. my heart bled. my tears fell.
maybe it was the same for her when i gave.
she never fails to greet me with such a big and sincere smile.
maybe it was her that i am supposed to be with. not him.
maybe?

***

i had fun. they are a friendly lot.
that was why they prefer to keep it small.
to make it big would just defeat the purpose of tightening the rapport.
i have decided.
have voiced it also.
dang the circumstances. it is not a bad thing.
the babyFour is going to be a permanent one-seater anyways.

***

the dick over the brain. man encompassed their lives using that tool.
the butt over sense. man ruins his own life.
a deep cut near the thumb. a cut under the lip.
small emblems of the wrong-choice.
never learn.

mere escape from razor tips, to just fall into a deep pit of sharp boulders filled with great whites.
*shake head*
what the fuck?

takda wawasan.
takda pendirian.

Inna rabbi latti kulli mah yasha uh...

i took my love and i took it down
i climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
well, the landslide brought me down

oh...mirror in the sky what is love
can the child within my heart rise above
can i sail through the changing ocean tides
can i end off the seasons of my life

well, i've been afraid of changing cos i build my life around you
but time makes bolder children get older
i'm getting older too
well...

so, take this love and take it down
and if you climb a mountain and you turned around
and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
well, the landslide will bring you down

***

come and see. the mundane mediocrities that i had put on a pedestal. that i have allowed to snake into my heart and poison my mind. come and mock the probable judged stupidity that i have outrageously displayed here on the cyber. come and see.

***

i have a disease.
a living disease. it feeds on me. it eats me through.
it can manifest into something more deadly.
it is dormant. maybe due to i being able to put it under controls.
as of now, it is struggling to show itself.

someone actually forewarned me, which i egoistically shrugged it off.

she: kalau tak suker, biar berpada-pada. u noe. jangan tak-suker sampai berdendam.
me: *shocked at her words* *lost..damn! i actually duno what to answer*
she: ingat...
me: taklah. i just ask to not ever meet or see him again.

really?
i think she saw that evil twinkle in my eye...
did u, ji?

***

i am alone. check.
i am lonely. check.
i am at peace. *well, part of me* check.
he doesnt bother me anymore. check.
i dun see him around anymore. check.
she doesnt msg me anymore. check.
i dun see his boys anymore. check.
concluding, he is out of my life. check.
my parents are well and well-fed. check.
my siblings love me. check.
my salary's on time. check.
my babyFour is fine. *well, have to get that suspension changed though* check.
i am no longer sick. check.
i seem to still easily 'hambat' many peoples' heart and charm my way through. check.
many people love me. check.

with alot of good things going on, why do i have this feeling that something is amissed somewhere?

***

my right eye has stopped twitching. good.
my chest *my heart actually* has stopped aching. good.
but all those gone upon her demise.
was she the one that i was expecting to see for the past 3weeks?

me: mata asyik kenyit-kenyit. sakit. dada macam sebak. sakit nah.
mum: tanda nak tengok. tanda nak nangis.
me: she gave birth. i saw her. it stopped twitching. the next day start again.
mum: then not her.
me: i saw her there. dapat lepaskan rindu. the pain in the chest gone. monday it came back worst.
mum: not her also.
me: now no more. after her demise.
mum: u waited too long to see her. dapat ngadap kan? now no more twitching. then it is her.
me: *tearing*
mum: you wanted to see her.

ignorance is bliss.
to me, ignorance is bless.

when one chooses to ignore and not want to know, does that make her blind? uncaring?
when one chooses to not listen, does that make her deaf?
when one chooses to keep her peace, does that make her dumb?
when one chooses to see what she wants to, does that make her blind? short-sighted?

maybe she chooses to let through those that might soothe her already aching heart and scorpioned mind. maybe she chooses to allow those that lulls her ears with eargasms.
are we good enough to judge another for their doings when we are not perfect ourselves?

when a lady has a choice over whom she sleeps with, promiscuity is not it

choice.
i choose to ignore. i choose to unknow.
maybe i am just ashamed that i have done those with him: goes against my principles.
for once i broke the rules. in that, facing him makes me ashamed.
people equate shame for our actions as being ashamed of our very being. to each his own.
i am ashamed of 2004. and i try my best to shun 2005. i get depressed thinking of 2006.
i hope this 2007 would just be filled with peace. of which the first 3 weeks were contradictarily and obviously not.

believe me. i have nothing against her. maybe not totally against him. it is more of a personal issue. why am i here dissecting this issue again? because i am bothered. i have this bottled need to just scream in his face to just un-know me. what's stopping me? her. believe you me, i am more evil than you think i am. oh! i still have his name as my yahoo-account-password. geez. what the hell was i thinking then? *rolled-eyes*

my mind works in mysterious and weird ways, remember?
no use changing any password. the mind would self-route to the memoirs. just leaving it alone. label me jealous. label me a sore-loser [which someone already had]. i am not the one openly complaining. i am simply ignoring. at least, she has an outlet to complain to.

i AM insignificant. right? so...why be bothered about me? why have posts abt me? i am the one who's committing sin. i OUGHT to be bothered. she has been 'wronged', why be bothered? women! ironical!

bleargh! i feel like retaliating. just for the fun of it.
with that, i might drag whatever reputation i have down with me.
but then again, what repute do i have to my name? hark!

***

sometimes i sit and do pine for time to be turned back. to unknow one person. to wish to not ever meet another. to wish that i had not known many people who have hurt me. the pain was extremely great then. and it is still great now. but the difference between then and now: i am quite used to that very pain. in that, it kind of normalise the existing pain. it almost is equal to not existing anymore. it is not getting over. it simply is: getting used to; adaptation.

i don't adapt to changes well. i don't like changes. sometimes, life leaves me to no choice. you just got to do what you don't like. no choice. think of it, we really have no choice. the lie in life is: you have a choice. in actual fact, you really don't.

***

i went to visit her today. after such a long time.
she has practically seen me grow. since pri4 until now.
that's easily 16 years.

she: better to be alone than to end up in an unhappy marriage.
me: *reactionless*
she: a bad husband, with a bad past and a bad present, will give you hell on earth.
me: *speechless*
she: God loves you. trust me. He loves you more than you think He does.
me: *almost tearful*
she: One day you'll fully understand why. He loves you, really. God loves you.

I arrived at 2130.
I stood infront of her at 2145.
I couldn't bring myself to kiss her. She looked so frail.
I teared. I was inappropriately dressed. All I could do was to recite in my heart.
That was all I could give.

I heard a last attempt of a hard breath.
@2205hrs
She passed.

i have known her for almost a decade. it was accidental. coincidental? i guess, after this long, it is more meant-to-be than the beforeS. we got separated for 4years. we picked the pieces back up. right? we did. it seems like we never quite got separated. i was in seclusion for 4years. not deliberated though.

anyhow, through her i know her too. she has been someone i held with respect and segan too. she has always been garang with me. she was also the one who advised me this [thru her of cos!]: if she does not want to eat, then fast. at least she knows she is doing it for better good than just starving herself, though intentioned or not. of which i did. 'collect pahala', she said.

i have been worried for two days as i have not seen her online. my mind started wondering around on very unhealthy thoughts. i called. not so good news. i am worried. she sounded so calm. i teared the moment she kept silent. i breathed hard and ended the call with,"i'll try to come by later k." my tears just flowed then. and as i am writing this entry too.

duno why i am affected...this much...

sometimes i do wonder whether i tagged people i know and love with too much obligations. the negative aspect: they might not even know that they have been tagged. with that, they do not have anything to fulfill. therefore, it puts me in this illusioned box that they might attempt something to fulfill those obligations. on the opposite, they might probably have known that they have this tag on their backs. with that, they have a choice whether to fulfill it or not. sad if they don't. good, if they do.

sometimes, i do wonder whether the things i do give justice to my intents and my thoughts. actions ought to be the best medium in transmitting one's intentions. at least, try to bring them both to be on equal par. on an almost equal level. in that, you'd find fulfilment and content. right? tardy! tardy!

i sit bellowing into my inner self, sighing aloud at how God has carefully laid his cards for me to see. how do i explain that He merely displays for i have asked. how do i embrace the mystery he has shrouded my present life and leaving me anticipating with the big question: WHAT'S NEXT? and the next blasphemous statement: Give it to me, bring it on! Life goes in a very vicious cycle, maybe easier for someone [out of the box] to analyse and conclude as such. but for someone in the box? has just got to learn to take things with a pinch of salt and try to move?

every individual is pathed to very different directions. that, in all, makes each and every individual very special. with that, also, makes very individual different and leaves no room to compare and normalise anothers' situation to make the others' sound or appear harsher than it already is. the gift lies in empathy: to try to feel. no need to be a big expert in trying to experience the same cycle [so as to provide good advice]. all you got to do [most of the time] is just to listen. don't need to do anything, just listen.

everything is too linked.
too much information to digest.
too much weird things happening.
too many things being revealed.
my reality and my dreams seem impossible to ever tally.
things are too difficult to even work out in the dream's direction.
my conclusion: though i have seen IT several times, i am beginning to un-believe.
yah...soon i'd label myself a heretic. a self-proclaimed heretic.
Blasphemer does not give enough justice.
now, that's something new. aye?

***

i don't run away from much people. in fact, there is only ONE such person that i am always trying to stay away from. now, there is two. with that, there are also lists of people that i should not go near: their presentS and their pastS. why would i want to indulge in getting my heart further stamped and hurt?

ironically, i have come to love this person. i see myself in her. many of my characteristics. mind you, i am an observer [in pasar-jargon: a kepo']. call me self-obsessed. self-absorbed. or loving myself too much. i see alot of myself in her. a little uncanny and unbelievable. i cannot put a finger to it. a little hard to believe.

it finally triggers a qn: why meet the both of us? i don't have many girls that i like. i mean, i do not have much 'sisters' around me. the minor few are those i have screened and censored for a long time. these TWO. they tried hard to catch my heart. when they finally did, such a reality sank in. so what gives? Tuhan Maha Kaya...Tuhan Maha Mengetahui...no obligations, yah. i get jolts of pain each time i pass her, as i do realize that he picked me because he simply was trying to make-fill a shadow that he has tried to run away from. sad as this may sound, i like her / them very much. very hard, i try to sweep the past and my flying-wondering thoughts underneath the invisible carpet. yes it hurts.

so how do i deal? i don't. somehow, i got numb. numbed by the pain. the news sank in, my heart sighed and i could not sleep. i could not stop crying. i practically starting begging: i lay my forehead on the mat and just begged. begged for peace, begged for him to stay away from me. my heart just kept thumping so hard that i literally felt the pain. it got SO painful, that it just stopped hurting. simply because it hurts too much. overwhelmingly too hard to handle and swallow. it just did. [trust me, my mat was wet with tears and my knees felt numbed being in that position for such a long time]

with that, i kind of understand when my D mentioned: i was numbed. it didn't hurt. yah. numbed.

better this way?
but then again...
me: where is my prince charming for i am a damsel in distress. rescue me.
abg: don't you know? chilvary is already dead.

***

i was actually nervous to meet her. God knows why. Well, I picked that day to try the 3.5" stilettos. Gosh! Size 8.5 is a little longgar. had a little hard time keeping my feet IN the shoes. Nonetheless, it was okie. It just takes more practice eh D?

Anyways, I did not expect that we would hit it off. We did and I love her for it. Thank you DollZ!

Er...Second date? I dress down. U dress up okie? =P

***

I was labeled the Singapore-Government before. God knows why. Maybe I type a little too stringent that people, who stumbles upon this stupid blog, gets personal and offended by what was written here. Well, too bad. the entries here are merely and solely for and about myself.

The latest label is: a prophesier.
abg: Do not prophesize the apocalypse.
me: i do? Golly!

I do? *laffZ*

***

everything happened for a reason. reasons, be it obvious or not, are known deeply by only HIM. In that, there is a reason why i was to meet him. there is a reason why i got sick for 2 years. there is a reason why i had to go through all those heart pain and sleepless nights. there is a reason why I am currently working here. there is a reason why she loves me that much. there is also a reason why they love me that much. i would like to know the reason dear God. It might ease off my curiosity and gives me a stronger backbone to stand and look up: to look forward to another day knowing that i am this hurt but i'll still be okie.

OMIGAWD!
SHE IS FAT!
and dark!
and has an inch of make-up all the time.
i know her.
[my mind works in mysterious ways. and it has its queer ways in memorizing faces.]
i do know her, honey.
just don't come face to face with me.

as what my D had said: you can never be a bitch. either you are too nice or you're worst.
you are a monster when you are at your worst. that scares me.

i won't bite, really...