when i am this slumped and down, the only thing that i seem to think about is to immerse myself in the loud music and dark environment. such ambience might not prove worth for some, but it is a form of distraction for me. unrealisingly, my heart adapts to the present loneliness and normalises the pain. in that, it totally eradicates whatever pain that i thought i cannot tolerate and make it normal again.

at least i know i am not in total denial.
this is my small form my escapism...

trust me.
it is better than using anybody as a stepping stone.
ain't my style.

***

*tilt head*
Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction? Lo! We tested those who were before them. Thus Allah knoweth those who are sincere, and knoweth those who feign.
- Al-Ankaboot, line 2 & line 3-

when there are already so many negative signs laid before me, why does the heart is still adamantly directed there? when she has mentioned that her heart skipped a beat each time she hears the name. when another she mentioned that she does not feel good knowing that he is near. when her face turned black when i told her of his status and when her voice dropped into silence when i told her of him. why does the heart still wanders there? for a possibility. what is it that i am really looking for?

when he came near, i already had a negative vision: what is a man of his stature be that? i smelt fish. too much fish. sardine could not smell this bad. when he came nearer, worst visions came around. i saw bleak. too fast. too furious. too scary. the age cannot be a catalyst for speed, right? what is there to hurry? yah. i might die tomorrow. well, that IS a totally different issue to discuss about anyways.

when those words were said, it sent this jolt of realization in me. what the &^%%? such perpetuality should suffice for one to leave. right? no. i stayed. here i am ranting at my own stupidity when i ought to be running around forgetting him. [ps: this blog IS going to be abt him for the next several entries. just one of my personal ways to TRY to flush!]

HIS sweet words: why not like this? one day, we go out to just buy the vcds. you know, to replace. okie?
HIS way of trying to coax me into not dendam-ing...

smart. only my Ds know how to coax me into sense.

***

maybe if i rant, fret and be tantrumental enough, i might just be able to flush him out of system faster. you know, i let it out and put it here, it gives me a convenient outlet to leave it unsuppressed.

with that, LONG LIVE BLOGGING!!!!

***

my tum-tumS hurting.

see the post below. the one directly below. i am 'supergirl'. yah. 'supergirl' is still a girl mah. girl also got cry mah. basket! ==> this entry has been deleted. due to some unforesen aka menyusahkan-consequences, i have to delete it of cos. anyways, just so you know, i am SUPERGIRL! =p

i have got one qualm. why is it that i, being myself [no pretence at all] seems to inject inferiority in many people? is it really inferiority or mere fear that whatever is infront of you is too good to be true?

i like this one. very much, in fact.

***

gua dah naik thousand la!!!
dah jejak dua-sepuluh!!!
gua terbang la semalam....
fuiyoh!!! laju giler.
tapi kelekang panas. enjin besau peh pasal.

but, what i have is only crush on THAT thousand.
me fall in love with ANOTHER thousand.
got orange-orange one.

i want that one lei...
nanti gua terbang!!!
but must pasang aircon near enjin.
so, bila terbang lebih dua-sepuluh, kelekang gua tak terbakar...
hehehe...

~only the BRAVE~

soalNYA hati.

soalnya HATI?

soalnya hati......

even if it not meant to be, U do not have to make it so painful.
even if it is not good for me, U do not have to make the heart throb so bad.
Ba mentioned to not be disappointed with life. How not to?
I am tired. when a human is tired, it rings desperate measures. i am so tired.

even if i am not meant to be with anyone, just let me know.
so in so, i will tame my heart to not fall for anyone.
so in so, i will force my eyes to not seek for anything.
so in so, i will walk around with my head down and my ears closed.
so in so, i will try to solitude myself.
really, i promise. just tell me. i will as per stated above.

rather than i have sleepless nights.
rather than i have a badly heavied heart each time it happens.
rather than i worry that he, who comes near, will not be strong enough to understand and share my pain.
rather than the fevers keep coming back.
rather than i keep thinking of her.
rather than i cry each time it is being recited.

i am to fight this. yes?
i can only think of fighting this alone.
block my heart and be alone.
it has been two years. it has always been like that.

i am so tired, D....
*crying*

what goes around comes around.
D said to just leave it be.
i have my own qualms. not thinking of anything far. all i am relying is for HIM to direct me to the right path. please....

i do not want to get hurt again...

***

i have been dreaming of her lately. i have been having her at the back of my mind a little too much nowadays. since this...maybe 2 mths of being 'free' may mean nothing to some. trust me, it means the world to me. now, the signs are back. i am really hoping that it would not be back for good.

it's tiring.

***

i do not understand most that i see. i try not to probe.
but, anything that hurts them, hurts me.
and i will get very protective, ya noe.

***

i have always seen my parents glow when they smile.
somehow, on that sunday, they smiled the sweetest. that made me very warm-hearted. i do crave for that beam each time i do something, not to gain their pride but to gain their smile.

i am a simple person. a smile is enough.
for them to be grazed by a simple action, hurts me.
i am hurting until now.
really.

i just do not understand how non-chalant people can be.
how loop-sided and one-sided.
yah...the world ain't all fair. but one does not need to further make it unfair.
highly redundant, ya noe.

aku kecik hati.
*period*

whenever there is a good union, on the other side of the balance, there is another separation. facets of the real world. someone has mentioned this to me: as we grow older, the tribulations that come at us, seem to be stronger and more forceful that it totally normalises our past's problems: making it seem so mediocre and nothing.

***

for the year 2007, i seem to encounter a big share of people that i have not anticipated in meeting. people of that status. no, i am not demeaning them. and not even thinking of judging or being prejudiced towards them. but, the thought just lingers: what does Allah wants me to see?

my sec-sch bestfriend is going through it. he as well. and today, a new she. the rate is increasing that it implants a new fear in me. such conditions do not prove well for a person who is not even equipped for such an experience. it has been a long time, trying to be a shoulder for someone i do not know. being a shoulder has its weight and i am left dazed.

***

i have an unbelievable relationship with some people i know. they make me realise many things. personal things. general things. mundane things. sometimes, silly things that never fail to make me laugh/snigger whenever i am alone. they have such an effect on me. nonetheless, i have never fail to love them so much that whenever i see a tear in their eyes, i'd tear as well.

never did i realise or expect that i could end up loving them this much. so much.

with that, i say thank you for being able to withhold such on my heart and making me love you people as much as i do now. thank you Ds...

you people keep me very much sane and feel very much loved.

me with/against them

i told her, her and her. all had different opinions. two opinions have very heavy weightage on me. with that, i thank them. they have knocked sense into my personal perspectives.

her: too early to do anything. play-kite: pull-pull then let loose. if you do not like anything, you can just let it snap.

her: oh...he is just that. u're being just friends, right? his habits would not have any impact. if anything develops in time to come, then just leave it be.

her: i see things going sumwer. jangan takut k. go with the flow. be urself.

3 very different opinions?

***

i am being myself. not snappy, just straight-forward. i try to be as honest as i can. i think he might just not be able to take me for who i am. darn! each time when these hypotheses happen, i get a very high fever. my body gets very-very hot. not horny hot. just warm. fever-warm. *think happy thots* *think very happy thots*

***

i dun like to be pushed.
i dun to always be seeked. it gets very suffocating.
yes, let time tell it all.
gosh~ too much too soon too fast. even the too fast-too furious might not be able to take such overwhelming display of things to be responsible for.

***

for me to learn? a very heavy weight to even try to imagine to carry.
for me to see and understand? i am not even ready to claim whatever it is.
not there.
just letting things be.

***

bleargh!
people have all the fun in the world whilst i have to toilfully seek what's rightfully mine. it gets very tiring to always earn my keep. sometimes, i would just want to sit and be fed. once in a while. in a blue moon.

i want to be a taitai.

the smell of your skin lingers on me now
you're probably on your flight back to your home town
i need some shelter of my own protection baby
to be with myself and center clarity
Peace
Serenity

I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you
it's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightenin' out to do
and I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
but I've got to get a move on with my life
it's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry

the path that I'm walking I must go alone
i must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
and I foreseek the dark ahead if I stay

like the little school mate in the school yard
we'll play jacks and uno cards
i'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
yes, you can hold my hand if u want to cause I want to hold yours too
we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
but its time for me to go home
it's getting late, dark outside

***
i cannot bring myself to actually look at her in the eye. maybe, subconsciously, i do know that i might have done something wrong. ignoring her or pushing her away. i cannot stand the look of jealousy from the other person, knowing that i am close to what is actually hers. she was mine temporarily. i do feel guilty and my heart does pain due to my own doings. but really, what choice do i have?

one woman is another woman's enemy.
that i know pretty-pretty well.

***

i gave the soft-toy back. no look of aggravation/retaliation. no look of wanting to hold me back for an explanation. maybe because i ran away so fast, leaving no room for him to react. it was a hi-and-bye thing. his presence leaves such lingering anger in me. darn! little do i know, my fingers and hands went totally cold while walking up the stairs. my heart was beating quite fast. maybe i do not have the knack to actually hurt people. and giving back the bear leaves such bad impact and welcomes bad karma in the future.

i see it as a circumstance: i have to do it.
Mak said: kau suker nah terima benda orang. nanti orang fikir lain. ikut kater Ina, kasi balik.

***

sitting, talking on the phone. facing the window and the voice.
sitting, looking to my left: the chinese guy and the mother. the numbers. the surroundings.
the picture. too familiar.
i swear i have not known anyone the likes of this person in my life ever. there was [so far] no relation or whatsoever. how could i even have his image in my head. of all photos, THAT photo.

i have a weird vibe to this.
all too creepy.
can someone be smart enough to explain this abstract to me?
it rings too much familiarity...

now, i am questioning: where?!....where did/have i seen that photo before?
*hair standing on end*

best
elite
influential
privileged
cream of the crop

i read an entry today, from someone's blog. i usually jumped onto hers for a fresh insight. a twist to the normal stereotypical mindset that i usually have. and today, she did not fail me one bit. i guess being a typical product from a meritocratic society, i do understand, or at least am aware, of the amount of truth that has been written there.

in this society of ours, being second best is never enough. but really, the question is whether society's second best is already the best that one can go. face it, not everyone of us are automatic mensa inductees, and not everyone of us can afford to get the complete education we had hoped for. so what happens to those whose bests in their lives are actually not good enough to be the best in society's eyes? what happens to non-elites like me?

- sri -

as they say: just because one is not living up to your expectations, it does not mean that the latter is not doing his best.

***

i asked for the honest. and came the honests. but the baggages they hold are not those that i might be willing to carry with or along me. as what my D had said before,"i do not mind being unmarried, if the one that i have chosen is not approved by them. by her. all i want is for them to be happy." with that, i am using as my pole of principle. ultimately, all i want is for them to be happy. really.

my dad had always forbade me from using the 'why's' as a mean to rationalise. he says,"it is beyond our own power to actually try to piece everything out and align everything to one direction as life itself is inconsistent. sometimes, the best reason to summarise life is: it's that." being the cynic and sceptic that he is, he does have a way of hammering me into direction.

but with this, i do not know how to handle. Mumy-Su mentions,"the more you try to better yourself, the harder are the waves of tribulations that comes to try to beat you down. be prepared. but then again, Allah would not lay trials that is not on par with the individual capacity and means."

there are trials that are meant to etch and refine our personality, character and behavior. knock our mindset to the correct direction. there are trials that are meant for us to see, eye-openers. there are trials that are meant to hurt and eventually better us: for us to learn. so, which is this?

i am at the edge of the door. it is very much opened for me. it is so alluring. what do i see? too much baggages that i am not capacitated to drag. not to mention carry. i do not really see good things. look! if one were to think through deeply about this, it might just brew ugliness and perturbants. that i find unnecessary for now.

so how?

U have my heart & we'll never be worlds apart
maybe in magazines but U'll still be my star
baby cause in the dark U can't see shiny cars & that's when U need me there
With U, I'll always share because...
when the sun shine, we'll shine together
told you i'll be here forever
said I'll always be your friend
took an oath. I'ma stick it out till the end
now that it's raining more then ever
know that we'll still have each other
U can stand under my umbrella

These fancy things will never come in between
U're part of my entity, here for infinity
when the war has took it's part
when the world has dealt it's cards
if the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart

U can run into my arms
it's okay don't be alarmed
come into me, there's no distance in between our love)
so go on and let the rain pour
i'll be all you need and more

==> cliched, aye? but i like the beat to this song. addictive. shucks~

***

she doesn't usually msg me. she doesn't usually call me either. the times when she actually did is when she truly needs me. or i need her. somehow, we know. the mutuality and chemistry between us has heightened to such a level. a good thing, i would say ever so proudly.

but those few days, my mind lingered around thoughts of her. i am not usually perturbed by her. guess, i have always had this positive gut feeling that she would always be okie. but those few days, brew worries for me of her. my knack was proven true, she had been secluding herself (one habit of mine has permanently seemed to brush onto her). she kept to herself, trying to lick her wounds. it pains me to see her that way. invited her for dinner. we spent time.

do u know, it hurts me to see those tears running down ur cheeks?
do u know, as much as i try, i do try to protect you the most? i am aware that i do not have much calibre and experience-equipped to be protecting someone, but you know what i mean.
try...just try. not for me, neither for people around you. try because it is for your own good.

really, when you love someone/something so much, you just got to learn to let it go.
as much as it pains you, his happiness is what you have been seeking satisfaction from. if only you had realised it soon, then your tears would not even flow.

***

i am a magnet for older man, now?
single, but older man. not a bad thing. not a good thing either.
there are holes 'here'.

*shake head*
is it a common homosapiens' habit: when a man and a woman meets, and when there is attraction, the next step to take is to be in a relationship. [friendship is also one common form of a relationship] the relationship i am referring to here is the BGR-kind. *sigh* why can't everybody just be merry by strictly becoming and staying as friends?

*shake head*
i do agree that there are restrictions when two people are only frens [oh! oh! my brother and i happened to stumble upon his fren at the interchange one day. he told me, the day before, that this guy-fren of his is unattached. but that very day, i saw two hickies on his neck. ah...my brother labels the hickies were made by his fren's fren: a fren with benefits. a new term i might add.]. they happened to behave. the stripes are not revealed. to a certain extent, i guess. on a personal note, i do prefer to just be frens first: kenal hati budi and isihati. many people overlooked this.

chemistry may be brew due to our innate animalistic behaviors and needs. most of the time, the heart's will over-rules the animalistic needs, especially when already fully satiated.

know me.
i am more complex and complicated than you think i am.
the outers are extremely hard because the inners are extremely soft and fragile.
i do agree i am a hard nut to crack.

help?

***

"kau tu, dier nak buat kahwin agaknyer?"

no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!